Is Pearl Harbor our generation's Deer Hunter?

The answer is Yes......and all the good people know it even if it takes a roundabout way to admit it including those who are owner's of a lonely heart. I'm looking at you Davey Jones ala The Monkees. God, I liked myself better when I was a daydream believer but things (turn and face the strange) change like my age and my innocence or simply put my age of innocence Scorcese (so that's why your now directing family fair like Hugo: The story of Weaving's childhood). I use to care, I used to want you to want me but instead now I surrender because I guess (who) I feel cheap like a trick has been played on me. I've been tarnished like an American Woman of our day. It used to be "I am sixteen, going on (edge of) seventeen!" and I'll have that with "some of my favorite things." But now it's sixteen going on pregnant and no one wants to talk or feel or dance. That's maybe what I miss most about us, I liked the way danced. You pretend things change for the good but we never leave the chain gang. Don't get me wrong, I want to stand by you but like I already said, I'd then be a pretender and I want more. Maybe that's why I myself am an owner of a lonely heart. I'm nostalgic for a time and place that I never knew but yearn for. An era that probably was all to much the same as now. Yet I till wonder why I take the higher ground. Not to girl interupt(ed) but half this (no) country (for old men) is clinically depressed so why's the other half so (don't worry, be) happy? Ignorance? and like I began, the answer my friend is (blowin' in the wind)...Yes, that is correct Blondie. You just have to take the good, the bad and the ugly and deal or no deal with it otherwise your dead again ala Lovelace. When life throws you lemons, make lemonade even with a heart of ("they me Mr. (Tibbs)) glass. That brings me to my main point...Pearl Harbor is our generation's Deer Hunter and you can God Bless America for that.

(to be continued)

Bucky Larson:Born to be an Oscar Winner?

Hello folks, I'm back like Brian Mcaffrey was back for his brother because when your brother is in trouble, sometimes you just have to look into the fire and scream, "I'm going for the hose!" Anyways, my brother in arms, the celery trick, has left me despite my best efforts. Hopefully, as I grab the hose, he will atleast due me the solid of exclaming, "That's my brother Goddammit!" In other words, though I disapear a lot, neglect this blog, and am a completely selfish self centered attention whore, I will always be back because that's what firends are for, that and benefits. I feel like I'm the other (Boleyn) girl in that new movie "3" (not to be confused with the Dale Earnhardt movie because been there, done that, Pepper!), you know, the girl (as well as movie) you never saw because everyone's too busy three waying it that they never (ever say never - McGruber) stop to say, "hey, maybe we should make this a swingers party and add a fourth" and I'd gladly go Pettyffer and be like "I am number 4." But noooo, no invitation for moi because I'm still too Favreau. Maybe that's why he's off too New York, maybe he can't handle my love (actually, definately, maybe) becuase I've become James Gandolfini ala The Mexican. I'm a fat sweaty, hairy, ugly gay (not actually gay Kate) man that's insecure because I'm a fat sweaty, hairy, ugly gay (Once again no, not that there's anything wrong with it) man who nobody can love (Can't buy me love Lover Boy? Too Dempsey). But don't worry (Julie and) Julia, I won't kill you becuase in the end of the day, Polar Bear is gonna ask for me to let go Bull. But YOU GO, WE GO. Who's your brother (now) Brian? cue the flatline(rs) becuase nothing screams sexy like Oliver Platt (see The Three Musketeers or any Oliver Platt movie). Back to my main point for this article, Bucky Larson is the film of the year and this is why....

Nick Swardson: Move over Zac Efron because we have a new sheriff in town and his name is BONG! What's his name? Oh ya, He's a ni..BONG! I kid around ala Mikael Richards on a bad day, maybe one day (Anne Hathaway will go away) Mr. Richards will have his good day or for Russell Crowe's sake, a good year. But no, I digress as Leslie Nielsen would stop me and remind all, "no, the worse." RIP you crazy canuck who gave us such classics as Mr. Magoo and Men with Brooms (curling equivalent to Schindler's list). Swardson goes method as he often does and pulls off a performance of a life time for an actor who should never (say never - Justin Bieber) had been (unfor)given the chance to star in a movie in the first place because he has limited talent (except for being amazing). The last time we saw Nick, he was the lead in the Dolph Lundgren Docudrama Just Go With It: How Stallone Raped Dolph in the Pooper. I haven't been so horrified (aroused) by a performance since Michael Douglas dido'd (Still can Swayze it) that shit on Jeanne Tripplehorn. Wow, she's never recovered considering the men (who stare at goats) she's been with since (A man with webbed feet, a polygamist, and Bill Paxton, confused? So's Harry Dean Stanton since he hit senior citizenship back in 1963. Maybe what we have here is a failure to communicate.). Swardson sadly was not nominated for this virtuoso performance but with Bucky, he's a shoe in.

Christina Ricci: I thought she hit her (Dante's) peak in The Addams Family but I was wrong after seeing Casper. She left acting only to return with much vigor in Pecker. Little did we know, this film was only made in an attempt to prolong Edward Furlong's career into a 16th minute (Even Ed Burns knows you only get 15 minutes). Mr. Furlong, please follow your destiny (see River Phoenix, too wrong?). I Somehow how watched all of Black Snake Moan while only actually watching exactly 4 mins 52 seconds. If you can't understand then you probably also missed my Basic Instinct ref earlier in the article. But let's continue because I don't have the time for a total recall (BOOOM!). In Bucky, Ricci plays it straight as a women who's dream is to become a waitress. It's sad how she suffers kind of like Kevin Nealon's career since....well, since.....Fuck it, Kevin Nealon never really had a career so let's say birth (of a nation - cue the Michael Richards comment). Wait, now that I think of it, Ricci actually hit her sexual peak in Mermaids or was that Cher in her 60's. Moral of the story is Winoma Ryder was once that it girl all girls could aspire to be (not hot but worth a lay and a conversation) but now she looks terrible. What happened? Or was that Cher in Burlesque? Anyways, can we bring Bob Hoskins back into popular culture. No man has ever effected little boys lives (excluding Michael Jackson) more then Bob Hoskins. He was Super Mario, Smee (Hook is criminally underrated, seriously!!!!) and the pumpkin from Nightmare Before Christmas. I need this man back in my life maybe more then I need a girlfriend in my life.....I'll take the girlfriend on second thought.

Stephen Dorff: Let's keep it short, he played a character named Dick Shadow who apparently has the best taint and claims that, "Nothing grows in my cock shade, nothing!!!" All this actually occurred in the movie. Unfortunately I was unaware that Dorff was in this movie until the second half (baked) because I thought I was watching Brad Renfro. Then I realized Renfro went River on us, God damn you Furlong . This paragraph was almost shorter then Stephen Dorff's career potential.

Christopher Mcdonald: The real winner of the film. He went Wesley Snipes (Dorff connection) ala To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar as he was almost unrecognizable as Bucky Larson's penis. Everyone, we have our best actor at the Oscars! (Once again I can neither confirm nor deny Mr. Mcdonald's participation in this film due to the fact he was not credited (Like fuckin Gary Oldman) and is possibly dead from being to good at his craft (with a young Robin Tunney).

Bucky Larson was a star, a big bright shining star. That's right. You can all re-zip your pants now including you Dirk (Nowitzki) Diggler.

Goodnight, rest time for Machine. Need to recharge.

P.S. Heather Graham or Julianne Moore? Greatest debate our generation. What what Luis Guzman say? Probably "Step away from that ledge my friend." Yes, man, yes.

Say It Isn't So

Very rarely does the viewing public get a chance to witness a once in a generation talent. With his Midwestern roots and TCU education, it seemed only appropriate to anoint him as the new Sheriff of Hollywood. Were talking about none another than screen legend Chris Klein. Never mind the fact that Chris consistently showed the same blank stare in every film or that he came from Omaha. Truth of matter is that he's an 'actors, actor' similar to when Bobby Schneider graced us with his starring and directing role in the art house film Big Stan. A cinematic adventure that tickled us in all the right places. We'll deal with Bobby another time and return to focusing on cinematic God Chris Klein.

Klein got his start in Election, but that's to decent of a movie for this site to comment on. Really Chris got his breakout role in American Pie as Chris 'Oz' Ostreicher brilliantly playing a member of the lacrosse team who was a bit more sensitive than the normal jock. But what made this role stand out was Klein's brilliant use of his animalistic charm as he often referred to him as 'Nova' 'Casanova' and also his ability to tell any woman to and quote "Suck him beautiful." Eventually 'Oz' put his Big Dick Playa days behind him and settled down with Mena Suvari and finally someone was able to uncover the mysteries of Pittsburgh.

With all this good fortune Chris had finally landed a lead role in Say It Isn't So. A cutting edge comedy with some of Hollywood's biggest hitters including Richard Jenkins, although he may have just been visiting, Dig McCaffrey, and Julianne Moore's better half Heather Graham. However all of this didn't equate to box office success as the film bombed, but Klein got another chance as the lead in Rollerball. A film that did the 'Halle Berry' meaning that it did not go straight to DVD but rather straight to video. Unfortunately Chris could not rebound from this and through these failures he has been arrested twice for DUIs. During the second of these arrest Chris was asked if he was suicidal, and another direct quote from him "If I wanted to kill myself I'd fucking kill myself I'd be awesome at it, Shotgun to the dick."

Settle Down El Paso.

Great films I've never seen (but should I?)

Hello everybody, It's me, Dr. Nick Riviera........... No just kidding, It's actually Machine back again to spout more nonsense onto the world as it slowly tumbles into a descent of darkness only to be never seen from again. Or is that just the premise of Sactum (I don't know, nobody does cause nobody saw it James Cameron aka Mr. Kathryn (Deuce (Mcallister)) Bigelow)? Which leads me to my next (grosse) point (blank), please don't make Avatar 2, 3, or deep space 9 cause when I look In Your Eyes, James, I only see madness. You can't say make or say anything. Your head needs to be examined by a Sledgehammer down by Solsbury Hill (Three-Peat! TM that Pat Riley). This is obviously all just bible talk both from Job and GENESIS! Boom! That was fun as will the rest of this column but not before this important announcement:

"I sincerely apologise for forgetting (Sarah Marshall) my duties to this blog as I have recently been severly compromised my best friend. I thought we were Drake and Josh, Penn and Teller, Harold and Kumar, or Lilo and Stitch. I was wrong. Though I was the (Joey) fat one, he loved the Wackness and the separation began. What can I say, he was born to be a modern day Mary Tyler Moore aka Caroline in the City. He understands the nuances of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle 2: The Secret of the Ooze, whereas I could only wrap my mind around the cartoon. Isn't it obvious?!!! I put my baby in a corner and now my baby's running off to NYC like he was James in James and the Giant Peach. Due to this, I've been unable to write or do anything for that matter but now I'm back and reformed to be a better (more unselfish, caring, non-emo hipster) machine. This will never happen again, I 100 percent guarentee it unless it happens again due to my laziness. I'm like Kate Winslet in Titanic where she goes "I'll never let you go Jack" and then she let's go. CAMERONNNNNN!"

Now for fun. Yaaaaaa!!! Today's return (of the Jedi) column is about the great movies I've never seen before but still are great considering nobody saw them except critics who hated them worse then Amy Winehouse hated a sober day (Too soon?). And if your thinking what I'm thinking then yes, I have seen both I Know Who Killed Me (Classic! Killied me with lauhgter) and Stuart Saves his Family (Double Classic! Never has Al Franken screamed sexy more then in this which still equals less then zero Jami Gertz). A film I have never seen but bear mentioning in this column is the one and only:

Charlie St. Cloud

A movie so great, I gave it a standing ovation when first seeing the preview in theaters only to not go when it came out. The movie has everything. A title which makes you wonder, a possible spinoff of Boondock Saints, in an attempt to catch some of the buzz generated from the sequel, Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day. A cast so eclectic it was confused as a radio station one might play at an underground coffee house.

Zac Efron: Great actor or greatest actor of our generation? He's in the running with the likes of Rob Schnieder, Willem Dafoe, and Howard the Duck. Speaking of which, I have never seen Howard the Duck but I know Lea Thompson has if you know what I mean. Never has beastiality felt so wrong but yet so good kind of like a Alex Pettyfer film :-0. Btw Pettyfer, Efron's been there, done that, gorgeous and the carpet does match the drapes. Many say Howard the Duck was simply Coppola's follow up to Apocalypse Now because after an apocalypse, ducks probably do fuck hot chicks named Caroline in the City (Full circle once again). Why Polar Bear, Whyyyyyyyy? The horror, the horror. Efron showed the same range he showed as Link (Yahoo) in Hairspray. Fortunately, nobody out Marsden's a James Marsden, peasent. The guy freakin killed Honest Abe fore Pete's (Dragon) sake and what great cheek structure he had as well. Cool story Hansel. The only person who can out Marsden Marsden is BARRY PEPPER becuase it is man law, nobody out pepper's a pepper. Just look at another great film I never saw, Battlefield Earth. Why did it fail? Not because it was terrible but because it was obvious to all that Pepper was going to beat Travolta due to his power as the Pepper. Travolta wants a faceoff, Pepper gives him a Pepper. Travolta holds the general's daughter hostage, Pepper steals her with some Pepper. Travolta is barely Stayin' Alive and Pepper finishes him with some Pepper. And that's Jenga. So predictable. Barry Pepper obviously created Scientology so he could rule the world. Also Forest Whitaker was miscast.

Kim Basinger: Already wanked off atleast once since writing her name. Even at 72, she still is a (Nelie) fox. She has a Post-Fisher Stevens Michelle Pfieffer appeal with a pre Fisher Stevens Michelle Pfeiffer mystique. Except for those bruises under her eye from the third lightest yet still plump Baldwin (Thank God for Billy who still takes down single white females :-0 Too obscure?). Doesn't he know she's a working girl or does she dump him in the end after all for Harrison Ford?

Ray Liotta: He's the best. He bats righty though Shoeless Joe bats lefty, rats on the mob, sleeps with Whoopie Goldberg (but so did Ted Danson ala black face) and steals honey from the bees but we all still love him. You keep doing it Ray even if thats stealing Mark Grace's wife at a baseball game in which mark was playing in. No, no, yes, now that's jenga.

Christopher Mcdonald: He was wonderful. (I can neither confirm nor deny that Mr. Mcdonald was even in this film let alone still alive)

Let's not forget about the most important part of Charlie St. Cloud, the premise. Because when young man faces the dilemma of either yachting around the globe with a chick who wants to bang him or play baseball with his imaginary brother in a forest then, well....that's just too tough a decision for one machine to make. It something I feel we face in Parenthood and now I only need one more Ron Howard ref to make it a triumvirate (The Backdraft ref was way too obscure to even count). Fuck it, Charlie, choose the chick on the yacht, I can ensure only happy days for you. Booya, just Ruth'd it!

Okay, that's all. I need to recharge myself for the next time. Hope you enjoyed and if you didn't well I know who you are because only 7 people read this shit anyways.

Machine

Movie Review: Zookeeper

Here at Cinema Talk, we live for movies like Zookeeper. Why do I say that? Because we love movies with not even a trace of plot. We love movies that have no character development. We love movies that throw in big name actors just for the heck of it. We love it even more if those actors hide via voice-work of animals in order to feel less shame in accepting a paycheck for that film. And finally, we love Kevin James. Kevin James is one of those rare actors who can not only make us laugh, but he can consistently do it while outkicking his coverage with chicks on screen (Leah Remini, Allegra Cole, Winona Ryder, Maria Bello (all Grown Up), Jayma Mays (can I get a Paul Blart shoutout?), and even Adam Sandler). Now, Kevin James manages to pull a double whammy in his latest effort by pulling both Leslie Bibb AND Rosario "La La" Dawson. Maybe personality really does matter!

As for the movie itself, behind obviously an emotionally-gripping performance from James, other Standouts were Sly Stallone in a classic "I have to do what? ok fine, just make sure the paycheck doesn't bounce" role, and Nick Nolte as the emo-gorilla. Also, a nice supporting effort from TGI Friday's, who acted about as well as anyone else in the film.

We love you Kevin James! Keep churning em out buddy. First, a Mall Cop then a Zookeeper then what's next????? Fingers crossed for a Chinese Delivery Boy flick!!! Wooo-hooooo i can just see it now, co-starring Leslie Chow as the prick manager and Chow-Yun Fat as the old but wise store owner. Cinema Talk will bring you the exclusive sneak peak from the next Kevin James movie Chicken Wing or Egg Roll?

Where Are They Now?

With the Fall classic quickly approaching, I feel it is necessary to open up the video vault and relive the timeless and poignant film Summer Catch. Considered to be a cinematic masterpiece Summer Catch brought together every young and upcoming star it could find. The basis of the film revolves around the Cape Cod Summer Baseball League, and through thorough research from Cinema Talk we found out that these characters happen to have actual baseball careers. In this rags to riches tale some succeeded, most failed and Brian Dennehy managed his way out of baseball and acting in one fell swoop.

Ryan Dunne- The hometown hero who can best be described as hard throwing lefty who can bring the heat on and off the field. Originally Dunne was supposed to be the next big thing until one night of debauchery led to him being dealt a 'Full Weasely.' Dunne was able to conquer his demons at the Cape Cod Baseball League and landed himself a lucrative deal with Phillies. Following a successful stint in Philly that included have a sub 6 era, Dunne hit it big with a massive contract from the Washington Nationals. Unfortunately, Dunne's career did not have a happy ending. Dunne invested all of his money in the game 'Jump to Conclusions Mat,' quite possibly the worst idea I've ever heard. To cover his losses while he was still playing Dunne moonlighted as a street pharmacist, but due to the burden he had Dunne developed massive anxiety issues that became all to Willie Beamin like or maybe for the old timers he was 'McNowning' it. Currently Dunne's occupation can be described as drifter or is that Cade's job, I don't even know anymore.

Billy Brubaker- The catcher with the heart of gold and the swing of the seven year old. Known as 'Bru' he struggled with the switch to wood bats and never could get his stroke back. He never made it to the show and spent a career toiling in the minors. Upon dealing with this shame and realizing this aint no place for the weary kind Bru became a sexual deviant, spending his free time at the Playboy Mansion stealing Hef's and Timmy Couch's girlfriends, that resulted in a lifetime ban from the Mansion, or was that Mr. McNown.

Eric Van Leemer- Considered to be the real and only talent of Summer Catch Van Leemer had it all a hard throwing righty with a nasty slider, not to mention a flowing mane of bleach blonde tips. After a long holdout Van Leemer eventually signed with the Dodgers and was able to put together a few good seasons. All did not end well as Van Leemer failed MLB's Substance Abuse Policy (To Lambo for ya). He was also accused of being involved in a point shaving scandal, but then again that could have been Cade. There we have it three McNown references also known as the 'Turkey.' This is quite possibly the first and last time McNown has been referenced since 1999. Thanks for the memories Cade.

Your welcome.

Classic Movies: Cocktail

I miss the 80's. I miss everything about them from That 80's Show to Marvin Gaye being alive (then shot) speaking of which RIP to Phil Hartman, black Michael Jackson, white Michael Jackson, Annie Lennox's human body, Dana Carvey's career (though I hear he's actually been playing Tim Meadows now for 20 years because he a master of disguise.) to the Clippers glory years (How I long for you Benoit Benjamin). Being constructed myself in the 80's (screw you Jonathan Lipnicki, you little vampire) I felt it was necessary to pay homage to the decade by reviewing the classic, Cocktail. I also happen to be considered by some (Polar Bear?) to be an alcoholic so how tasty a treat for me to explore the inner workings of such a fine beverage.

Cast:

Tom Cruise: This was classic Tom before we thought he was gay even though he was in Top Gun and was (Rachel getting) married to Mimi Rogers. Oh wait, he sounds pretty straight to me back in the 80's. Unless you died from aids in Hollywood, you were all machismo back then but that's a story reserved for pillow talk (Too wrong?). He smiled, he wooed, he mixed some cocktails and of course ended with the girl somehow (though he met her in Caribbean as a bartender, knocked her up, cheated on her with a woman twice his age (DJ Enerate?) only to realize that he was just (about) a boy toy so he runs back to the girl, gets her and becomes a bartender again .... COCKTAIL!!!!). - spoiler alert! If you just read that last statement, I've ruined this movie for you like Nia Vardalos ruined life as well as sex and did I mention Tom Hanks' career. Now that's movie magic back when a blockbuster was 78 mil at the box office. 80's!!!!!

Elisabeth Shue: I had to go back to the future (part 2 or 3 - move over Claudia Wells) for this one and what I mean by that is some alone time in my bathroom for approximately 2 minutes to 1 hr 43 mins (Depends if I'm playing Sporcle or not). The only cocktail Cruise could handle when he saw her was the cocktail of love and boy, Oh boy, am I addicted to love (80's!!!!!!). Men everywhere went Tears for Fears for her in the 80's be it how she took the virginity of a 12 year old in The Karate Kid or how she taught the world how to babysit (Fuck you Christina Applegate or should I say Jim Gaffigan's dry hump lover). She has never done wrong be it earning Nic Cage an oscar or going Shakespeare in Hamlet 2 (Too Coogan?). Speaking of the devil (went down to Georgia), Nick Nolte once wasn't a crazy mad man who always needed a COCKTAIL!!!!, he was once actually a heartthrob. But don't ask me, ask Jaqueline Bissette's rock hard nips or was that statement too deep for you. Shue is such a tour de force that she placed her brother on Melrose Place instead of herself because Elisabeth never sells out her decade Heather. She's even 0 degrees of separation from Mr. Kevin (loves to show his penis, it's how he closed on Sedgwick) Bacon but you already knew that because your not that hollow, man.

Bryan Brown: He's Australian, recognizable, bones a gorgeous Kelly Lynch in the movie (though she was a (lady and the) tramp but it was the 80's baby, all goes), loses everything (classic 80's), and kills himself. Hasn't been heard from since. COCKTAIL!!!!

That's it for now, no links for a little because the Internet didn't exist back when this film was released. So make due, have a little fun, and sip on a COCKTAIL!!!!

Machine

Movie Review: Horrible Bosses

Horrible Bosses is a seductress. The film can be best described in the following analogy- Horrible Bosses is a hot stripper. Horrible Bosses (hereby referred to as Candy) catches your eye because of how hot she is (moreover, the all-star cast catches your eye). You go to the strip club (theater) because you saw Candy's picture (movie poster) on a taxi-cab or billboard. You then proceed to spot out Candy in the club after a few drinks and throwing a few ones down (after watching the trailers). Finally, you find Candy, ask her for a private dance and proceed to head to a backroom with her (the movie starts). You are so excited because of how hot she is and you are so eager for the song (opening credits) to kick in so that you can begin your dance (film). The dance proceeds to be awesome and you are loving it. The whole time you can't believe how fun it is and you just lose yourself in Candy's moves (the film's one-liners). After the dance is over, you are left blue-balled due to all of Candy's teasing (the film's plethora of jokes). Looking back, you feel a bit gross because of how raunchy it was, but in the end you thought it was so freaking cool and you can't wait to go back and do it all again.

Horrible Bosses is a great film, with lots of razzle and lots of dazzle. The cast is superb, headlined by Donald Sutherland's greatest performance since Animal House. Charlie Day and Jason Sudekis are standouts as well, as they go the distance and deliver stellar performances. Jennifer Aniston was great as playing someone other than Jennifer Aniston for a change. (By the way, didn't her dentist's office have a lot of space, or was it just me?) Kevin Spacey came through as usual, this time with his 7th best performance to date. The director was able to extract a virtuoso performance from Jason Bateman as well. Lastly, Colin Farrell was in the zone (also known as being in bruges).

In summation, Horrible Bosses gets a rating of: ALL TIME CLASSIC!

What Could've Been

Here at Cinema Talk we tend to always shine a light on the people who still have careers and are worth mentioning. It's necessary to look back and truly cherish a fallen star. The man had it all, fame fortune, a three part name. Simply put, he was magic. I'm of course referencing cinema legend and Banger Bros. favorite Casper Van Dien. With his "Butabi" charm and his Florida State education he was supposed to be a film icon. Van Dien bounced around the Soap world until he got his break in the 90s classic Starship Troopers playing the lead role Johnny Rico. Rico was described as a futuristic Tyler Durden only this time with a 20 pound python in his pants. Starship Troopers had everything from a star studded cast featuring Hollywood heavyweights Jake Busey, Denise Richards and NPH, to a unisex shower scene and football in the future. This was supposed to be Van Dien's launching pad and with Starship Troopers landing a visual effects nomination, the stars should have aligned.

Unfortunately this did not happen as Van Dien went to back to the television world being paired with the Meryl Streep of TV Yasmine Bleeth. Dien tried to land back in the film world but unfortunately all his scenes were cut out of Patrick Bateman's The Rules of Attraction, missing out on the opportunity to star alongside Jonathan Moxon. In 2008, a third installment of the beloved Starship Troopers franchise was rebooted and Van Dien reprised his role this time as General Johnny Rico. Sadly Van Dien has become a Hollywood nomad and has developed the nickname STV (Straight to Video). It's important to remember Van Dien as an actor's actor even though all of his films can be purchased at your local Office Depot or car wash.

Random Thoughts with a Machine 2

- I hate clubbing like a hate strip clubbing unless it's the Vegas strip. I wanna quit both but can't. I'm like the third Gyllenhaal sibling. I can't quit you, unless you overdose (Too soon or only for an Olsen twin?) which I doubt (like Amy Adams of The Office fame) a club can do. Maggie's still fighting the Skarsgard fight but how could she know he would turn out to be the bad guy in the third act? I hope I can stay away, I hope the Pacific is as blue as it is in my dreams, I hope.

- The penis game was created by me way before (500) Days of Summer stole it. You hear that Zooey, stay out of my dreams (Get into my car) or else, or else..., or else, time for my first quota shout out. :-(

- Saw Horrible Bosses, it was good, like Going the Distance good (Hot Pockets!!!) but not the Goods good. No Ving Rhames equals minus, but less Drew Barrymore post Firestarter (in her Lawry's prime ((Adam's) rib))) equals plus. So the movie gets a classic rating not all time great rating cause no Aniston boob shots (but a little birdie told me that she bares it all in her next film. Justin Theroux of Herbie (fully loaded) Hancock fame obviously liked the goods). If your selling a hard R then show me some tits. I now know why Brad left you.....because he saw Gia and Original Sin (City of Angels in the Outfield) though no one else did. How can the chick from Leprechaun be too high class for a boob shot when her claim to fame is a haircut. (From) Hell, I got more cleavage action from Phillip Seymour Hoffman in Along Came Polly though I'm not complaining. New law: If a R-rated comedy doesn't have the main female star baring it all, Heather Graham must be cast immediately. ... or Julianne Moore. Note to self, Barrymore is the only woman mentioned under 40. And who said old ladies were out work unless you look like Meg Ryan didn't make the cut (So Ruffalo)?

- Who'd you rather, Eleanor Roosevelt or Milton Berle in drag? Answer: FDR because he wouldn't move around much. :-0

- Watched Matrix Revolutions last night as well. I remember now why it was so poorly received. Note to the Wachowski Brothers pre the Chazz Bono debacle, maybe you shouldn't kill the two main characters. Just a thought. But I can't wait for the fourth installment! Speed Racer 2 anyone?

Davey Johnson blows as the Nats new manager. I'd rather have Don Johnson manage because he now makes that my third indirect stretch reference to Melanie Griffith that have much ado about nothing (Too Lovelace?). Now that's Shakespeare! Shake a spear, spear chucker! (Referring to Kit Ramsey line from Bowfinger. NOT RACIST)

And good night,

Machine

Transformers 3: But what about Chicago?

Where do I start with this giant mess of a third film stolen off a B side of a Pink Floyd album. Roger (Brian) Waters says run like hell but for the sake of a new post, I will dive head first into the carnage of Michael Bay's third installment about how to kill millions of lives as well as a city but save Shia his girlfriend because he'd really miss her if she was lost.

Cast:

Shia LeBeoff: Not to be confused with LaBeof from True Grit because that would be just too LaBeofy for Shia's liking and way too Ned Pepper but we've gone there already. The only rooster (too local Polar Bear?) he knows is the one Mel Gibson played in Chicken Run. That film I believe was about how kosher chickens were being slaughtered and Mel thought that was okay...right....cause he's a Nazi sympathizer. Too soon? Fine, Never again! Wallace and Gromit just threw up. Not as much as Tintin who rolled over like all Frenchman do cause he had to save his loser culture. USA!!! Which reminds, this is a review of Transformers 3. Let's not get off track like Kip Pardue. Shia really branched out this time by not just dating a hot chick for no reason except he's short and cast as the male lead, but dated a British hot chick. Nothing (but trouble - RIP Mr. Candy, Canadian (Bacon) icon) says America like Britain being America's Bitch and so you have it, Shia Lebeoff's best role since The Battle of Shaker Heights (Too William Sandler or too Project Greenlight? How I yearn for you Stolen Summer and Bonnie Hunt's sexual prowess over Steve Martin's penis). All one needs to know about his character is he's a messenger, not a postman. Oh, and he survived because you never kill the messenger unless when it's SPARTAAAAAAA!

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley: She's the new Megan Fox (Shut Up!) except she doesn't have the stigma of Jonah Hex on her rap sheet (oh, how that sill burns like Williem Dafoe's movies burn when they involve either Mississippi or Jason Patric). Here's my take, She's really hot, really smart, never gets dirty, and falls for Shia because Michael Bay said so. In a six hour movie of complete destruction and Frances McDormand butt shots (also burns but only after reading), there's only one kiss between the two lovers. Michael Bay must have of been sick that day because Rosie's his, all his I say!!!! His Precious! Did I mention Peter Jackson's involved in the Tintin movie even after that fruitcake, Tintin, bailed on us in WWII (Fruitcake means a cake made of fruit and nothing else). Rosie Huntington-Whitely is the best hyphenated name to come about since Ryan Nugent-Hopkins (half Ted Nugent, half Bernard Hopkins, all Amazing, it's the Doorman!!!) went first overall in the NHL draft to your Edmonton Oilers. Btw she can really act and what I really mean is she can't act at all.

Tyrese Gibson: He added nothing and I believe I didn't see a Ving Rhames naked butt shot, though I can't be certain.

Mr. Fergie: See Tyrese Gibson. After Win a Date with Tad Hamilton, I really thought he'd be the break out star, instead it was nobody from that picture (Gary Cole was already a star aka see (Spot Run) A Very Brady Sequel (Too Shelly Long or just long enough?)

John Malkovich: He wasn't dangerous (Liasons) in this movie but certainly red in the face. He brought some fresh (Con) air to a film lacking some punch except for the delicious performance given by a bowling child molester (Too Coen for ya cause I've already doubled my count? Where Art Thou now Joel and Ethan?). He was able overcame the stigma of Jonah Hex by playing himself. In this movie however, he did something I thought he did once before, go full retard. Who knew that Lenny was somewhat normal. Damn you Gary Sinise, damn you to hell you impostor! Nobody puts baby in a corner, not even for a ransom (So Swayze) even if it targets a Jew hater. Actually I rescind that statement, good for you, Mr. Sinise. I made 10 movie refs not involving Transformers with no hyperlinks. Figure it out yourself or keep the change you filthy animal. 11!!!!

Steve the Pirate and Dr. Ken Jeong: Pirate Steve gave a virtuoso performance as a man named Dutch who goes method with a strong accent only to break from it randomly for no reason whatsoever. His character is never explained or understood but some how steals every scene in which he's located. Kenny on the other hand actually didn't make sense at all. He was like Jackie Chan and the audience was like Chris Tucker pre "I hate acting so I quit" but post Jackie Brown aka Larry Crowne aka Rob Riggle's man boobs (respect the man boobs). Ken Jeong spoke nonsense until he was killed by a flying robot whithhout one shot of his penis. This is when I realized I was not in Hangover 2 but Knocked Up, what a role model.

Patrick Dempsey: Spoiler alert, McDreamy looked fat....and was also the bad guy. Character not needed but what dreamy (angel) eyes.

Anthony Anderson: Not in this movie. Why not?

Chicago: It was destroyed, millions died, and nobody cared. I literally watched people's heads explode in a kid's film. I thought Cary Elwes was going to show up like he did in Saw. First I think Robin Hood: Men in Tights, and then BAM! guy's cutting his leg off and Danny Glover is dead. I hate you Mel Gibson!!!!! Apparently Los Angeles was taken because it was still recovering form Hancock and the Rodney King riots. New York was taken after Cloverfield effed shit up. Washington D.C. has never been the same since Bill Pullman was in office. Seattle was a no because it's been sleepless way too long. So Chicago was the next obvious choice to be leveled to the ground. The film was actually shot in Detroit (I actually don't know) because it was the perfect location to display a city already destroyed and ravaged with poverty, death, and the smell of a dirty Randy porn shoot or is that Dirty Mike and the boys. Good for you Detroit.

The movie will make a billion dollars, Michael Bay will bang a billion more chicks and children around the world will go to bed orphaned, starving, and possibly HIV positive. Happy 4th of July America!

Machine

Greatest Coach Ever

The debate over who is the best coach in movie history has long been discussed at Cinema Talk. The obvious list of candidates would consist of Major Leagues finest Lou Brown (Fuck you Scott Bakula), Patches O’Houlihan of Dodgeball, Coach Kimball of Celtic Pride Soccer legend Phil Weston and of course the erratic yet reliable Tony D’Amato who managed to coach Steamin Willie Beamen to a 4-1 record and chance to win the Pantheon Cup. All of these are valid choices but fall short to our unanimous choice who is none another than Coach Gordon Bombay from the Mighty Duck trilogy. The greatest trilogy of all time (Again Fuck you Scott Bakula). Bombay fits the criteria to be number one on our list for being a crossover success, destroying the game of hockey while enhancing it at the same time and having the greatest nickname ever ‘The Minnesota Miracle Man.’

We first meet Bombay as a hotshot Minneapolis lawyer who is primarily concerned with snapping necks and cashing checks. His brash demeanor has earned him as many detractors as followers. After one long night of debauchery Bombay gets arrested for drunk driving and the aftermath is rather a fistful of glory. Bombay is assigned to coach a Peewee hockey team. Initially he is haunted by his past as Bombay was most remembered for costing his team a shot at the District 5 title as youngster. With the help of his wise yet unstable mentor, Hans, Bombay is able to rally Charlie Conway and the Ducks to glory. What makes Bombay in a league of his own is will to win at all costs and this is represented in Bombay stealing the star player from the Hawks and making him play for the Ducks. Simply put Classic Bombay. The Miracle Man proved that getting wasted and possibly having a slight case of autism (Machine) can in the end lead to victory.

What Separates Bombay from the rest of the coaching greats is his performance in ‘D2.’ After having success with the original Ducks, Bombay is asked to coached the U.S. for the Junior Goodwill Games. Instead of relying upon his old roster Bombay retools and reloads by adding five new players: Dean Portman, the Texas two-step Dwayne Robertson, Julie ‘The Cat’ Gaffney, Luis Mendoza, Russ Tyler and Cinema Talk favorite Wu Wu Wu Kenny Wu. At the same time Bombay has embraced the Southern California lifestyle with slicked-backed hair and hanging out with Hollywood Heavyweights such as Kareem Abdul Jabbar. The first sense of adversity Bombay faces is when his team gets blown out by Iceland (Spelled Island in the movie) and to quote states his team is playing like a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off. Instead of looking at film to correct mistakes the sly Bombay uses his animalistic charm to seduce Iceland’s trainer in further hopes of winning the Goodwill Games. As it worked out Bombay’s raw sexual magnetism worked to his favor as the U.S. or should I say Ducks claimed the Gold. There was so much wrong with this movie first being that the entire country of Canada not wanting any part of it, Wayne Gretzky speaking to the U.S. team and having a cowboy play hockey. None of this mattered as this movie brought to the masses the bash brothers, the knuckle puck and of course the greatest hockey play ever the Flying V.

The third film is where many detractors would say that Bombay is not the greatest coach ever. Even though he was not the head coach Bombay took on more of a front office role as helping the Ducks land at prestigious Eden Hall Preparatory School. The rumored excuse as to why Bombay was not around was that Emilio was looking to launch the sequel to early 90s classic Men at Work. Bombay was able to work his magic one more time when he got Dean Portman enrolled at this last minute to face the Varsity Squad and eventually beat them. Bombay may have killed any credibility that went with the game of Hockey and was the final straw in the 2004 lockout but none of this matters when you are ‘The Minnesota Miracle Man.’ Quack, Quack, Quack.

Movie Review: Bad Teacher

Behind masterful direction from Director Jake Kasdan and a Sorkin-like script from Lee Eisneberg and Gene Stupinksy, Bad Teacher proves to be a cinematic triumph. Kasdan, who of course directed the criminally underrated Orange County and Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, artfully orchestrated a masterpiece by utilizing the comedic chops of all involved. Eisenberg and Stupinsky previously collaborated for the critical darling Year One, and they have managed to one-up themselves with this effort. Cameron Diaz gives a inspiring performance as the lead, displaying all of the raw emotion we have seen from her in previous works such as in The Sweetest Thing (I still miss you babe, and I don't wanna miss a thinggggg) and The Mask. Jason Segel and Phyllis from the Office shine as well. A Cinema Talk original theory was in play in this movie- The "There has never been a bad movie with anyone from The Office in it"- and Bad Teacher delivered in spades.

Random tangent: Is Bad Teacher badder than Bad Santa? If so, is it badder than Bad Blake?

Summary: For a movie with no plot, likable characters or character development, Bad Teacher had a surprisingly low Rotten Tomatoes score of 40%. This movie has it all- sexual innuendos, facetious people, dry-humping and John Michael Higgins (Gary, on the kick drum!). I absolutely recommend this flick.

Final Rating: CLASSIC!!

Blast from the Past

Because the Celery Stick refuses to post any new material because he's to busy watching Brian's (Song) basketball games, I, of course, have to pick up the slack(ers) like cool Ethan in early decline Devon Sawa era (Too removed from Casper but still searching for his Final Destination. Now and Then we reminisce about this fallen icon ala River Phoenix). So I will be starting a series of posts on classic movies from my childhood. Blast for the Past may be one of them considering it has an all-time great cast in the J-Man, Cher, A Jew who plays football, and a late bloomer who kills people (or lives in Badlands with Terrence Malick's 1st wife) plus this guy from Mad TV. But todays film is one I watched yesterday for the first time in ages.

Mortal Combat (1995)

Pure classic and the graphics are amazing as well. It's like watching an action video game using Who Framed Roger Rabbit special effects or it's like watching a Paul W.S. Anderson film who just so happened to be the director on Mortal Combat. Ving Rhames and Danny Trejo would be homeless without Anderson and it was this film that allowed him to further his directing prowess in such classics as AVP and Death Race. Oscar anyone?

Cast:

Robin Shou: Not only did he play the male lead in Mortal Combat, he battled wits with Chris Farley in Beverly Hills Ninja. Most versatile actor of our generation or most versatile actor of all-time? He was funnier opposite Farley than Matthew Perry was in Almost Heroes but that's like saying getting C - on a test is great because the retarded kid next to you failed. Robin Shou has not been seen since 1995 unless he is Jackie Chan, Jet Li, or Chow Yun Fat or are these people one in the same but I digress.

Christopher Lambert: Never heard of him? That's because he is not the voice of reason in Dexter's head as James Remar is. How are these two even linked? Both played Lord Rayden in the Mortal Combat franchise, Remar in the classic sequel that made no sense. Lambert has not been seen since 1995.

Linden Ashby: He played Johnny Cage, killed in 3rd minute of sequel, hasn't been seen since 1995.

Taliso Soto: She sizzled opposite the greatest Bond ever (possibly George Lazenby?) but found herself finally in the role of the century as a 10 thousand year old princess fighting for the good guys. She has been seen since 1995 but as the rebound girl for Benjamin Bratt and the cleaner of his children's diapers. Meow!!!!

Bridgette Wilson: when she was wholesome and mine. Then Pete Sampras had to screw it all up for everyone. Do you know he's a terrible tipper and really boring. Why?!!!!!!!!! Oh Bridgette, how I yearn for your return on the silver screen. Sooooo Hot, what to touch her heiny! If anyone could split these two up, it would be gratefully appreciated. I double dog dare you!

Christopher Mcdonald: Not in this movie. But don't I have a nice rack!

That's all for now. i know it's not great but deal (or no deal) with it. I was bored, now I'm lazy so I'll come back later and hyperlink it up. Let's consider this a rough draft.

Born in Britain Made in America

He’s been described as having a sultry smooth voice that is pure as butter. He’s delivered knock out performances one after the other. In the cinema world he’s described as ‘Liquid Gold.’ Were talking about a man who’s consistently robbed the careers of Chi McBride and Faizon Love. Here at Cinema Bros. we want to devote our attention to those under the radar stars and today it happens to be the exceptional Delroy Lindo. Born to Jamaican parents Delroy honed his skills in theater before getting his breakthrough role in Malcolm X. In Hollywood Dennis Farina has been described as the white Delroy Lindo. As a result Farina has demanded that Lindo (Romeo) must die. After being one of Crooklyn’s finest and delivering the goods in Get Shorty, Lindo truly broke through with his performance of Captain Wanta in 1995s Congo. It can be confirmed that Lindo is only the second person ever to put Tim Curry in a corner, and as we know not just anybody can put the Curry in a corner.

Lindo has given the audience a sense of protection as he is constantly cast as member of law enforcement. Soon after the dominos began to fall and Lindo landed the role of a lifetime facing off with Nicolas Cage in Gone in Sixty Seconds. Two Hollywood Heavyweights jousting each other for ultimate glory. The only film comparison that can be made to this is when Dennis Hopper had the audacity to go toe-too-toe with the Deedles. On the Paul Walker front has there ever been a better actor out there that we literally know absolutely nothing about.

Back to Lindo following his ‘Cage-Off’ his career did not take off as we expected and was nearly blackballed out of the profession by some (Charles) minor amateur. Through his code of conduct and constant professionalism Delroy returned and joined us This Christmas where he showed his fathering skills to a young Sisqo. We’ve hung by Lindo and in return he has brought us a wealth of enjoyment. To conclude I wanted to inform Celery Trick that in 1994 Lindo traveled to Africa with both Angela Basset and Alfre Woodard proving that they are two separate people, and once again Delroy Lindo showed the world that he is the (Minnesota) miracle man. Delroy Lindo part man, part machine, TOTAL WEAPON.

The Life and Times of Christopher Mcdonald

Never has one man tickled the cinema world's balls more delightfully then Mr. Mcdonald. Some say he was a gift from the Greek Gods, others say he was the love child of Clark Gable and Marie Curie. I personally am just happy to have had my balls tickled so delightfully by this (iron) giant among men.

Filmography:

Grease 2 (1982): Mcdoanld burst onto the scene in his method portrayal of Goose Mckenzie, a bad boy with style. Most watch this classic sequel for a pre-Fisher Stevens Michelle Pfeiffer because seriously, things were never the same afterwards. She took the role in Grease 2 because she was looking for some more serious material after the laugher Scarface. She found it here because obviously Al Pacino is no Maxwell Caulfield (Who's that guy? :-0). Btw my personal favorite pre-Fisher Stevens Pfeiffer film has to be Married to the Mob because Matthew Modine has never made a bad movie. Look it up, the guy's batting 100 percent like Denny Crane in court (Wow, Too post-Fisher Stevens obscure?) Only Mathew Modine can turn an AIDs movie into a rousing romantic comedy where everyone goes home happy but in this case, everyone dies. Back to my main point, please try not get lost, I don't watch Grease 2 for Pfeiffer, I watch it for Mcdonald and the cleverly well written songs of course, such as We're Gonna Score Tonight (while bowling), Do It (not duet) for Our Country (in a war bunker), and Reproduction (while talking about reproduction). Mcdonald made Grease 2 the best sequel ever until Sly Stallone's Stayin' Alive came out one year later. Because when a woman wants to make love to you, there's only one action a man can take, and that is to STRUT!

Another Midnight Run (TV Movie - 1994): The first Midnight Run was so good and had such great finality to it (Seriously!) that the studio executives just had to make a straight to television sequel starring Mcdonald rather than De Niro because in all honesty De Niro cannot even imagine the emotional depths Mcdonald brings to each and every character he becomes (Run on sentence). Mcdonald was in 1 episode of Cheers, an American classic, whereas Bobby D. made a movie with Val Kilmer (all careers die with Val Kilmer unless your Macgruber where your career triples itself a thousand times in strength ex. Bridesmaids). Easy win for Mcdonald.

Happy Gilmore (1996): I will not talk about Shooter Mcgavin except it is the greatest performance ever captured on celluloid. This one character deserves it's own post by itself on a mantle where people can only look but can't touch. And I'll leave it at that.

Celtic Pride (1996): The true inspiration for this post as I just watched this classic for the hundredth time earlier today. Mcdonald gets to the heart of coaching professional basketball with his quote: "In basketball, you see the problem, you solve the problem, that's coaching." And that my friend is Oscar worthy. Well done sir, Well done. But Daniel Stern deserved better but after his bush whacking accident, well it's to hard to talk about (He strutted too). Maybe I'll tell you in the next three days.

The Perfect Storm (2000): Mcdonald brought some needed weight to a film that Dewey Cox just couldn't carry himself. I love pre-Will Ferrell John C. Reilly as much as I love John C. Reilly now. The way he caressed Jennifer Aniston's boob (That's Holden Caulfield, not Maxwell Caulfield, don't be greedy, you had Grease 2), the way he wanted to bang that heroin addict because he was lonely while Tom Cruise acted like himself on screen, the way he used to dance. Yes, that's what I miss most, I liked the way we danced (Too soon? A black man can't be God unless his name is Morgan Freeman but even the trailer gets me emotional). The real problem with The Perfect Storm is it had a cast, and a budget, and a script (notice my Steinbeck style with the repetitive "And") but it didn't have a title. Cue Christopher Mcdonald. He came in all serious, looked at a weather report and said, "A storm is coming from the left, and another storm is coming from the right, and a third one just appeared and my lord, they're all gonna merge at the center and create......THE PERFECT STORM!" -exact lines from film

61* (2001) His long goodbye. Mcdonald had a voice that could melt a woman's heart and used it to great effect in this true classic about America's pastime. This film was already classic as it starred Barry Pepper and you can never ever get enough pepper from the Pepper even if he's losing his hair. Thomas Jane hung on for dear life as these two heavyweights duked it out on screen. Jane ultimately was lost forever to a deep blue sea.

Christopher Mcdonald died shortly after the release of 61* . He knew his time was up so he left the way he came, abruptly. A fat man, however claiming to be a Christopher Mcdonald, has appeared on several T.V shows in bit parts over the last decade. I can neither confirm or deny if this man is telling the truth.

There you have it. I missed many films (Flubber) but I ran out of power and need be recharged for future posts.

Hope you were tickled a little,

Machine

Law of Phillippe

There is the timeless phrase "when in doubt, run the football". Here at Cinema Talk. we have the mantra "when in doubt, cast Ryan Phillippe". He crashed onto the scene with one spine tingling performance after another. To put it simply, on a scale of one to ten, Phillippe is a 54. According to our fact checkers, when Ryan is cast in a movie that film is guaranteed to go up one star, as well as having a 46% increase in revenue. Furthermore, his mere presence upgrades a film one level in our ratings scale. There is a sense of (anti) trust the audience has with Phillippe, and this has led to him being in a (Bang Bang) club of his own. We’ve never stopped (loss) pursuing the law of Phillippe as he has constantly displayed and perfected his acting chops. I can assure our intentions are purely innocent in this post. Phillippe's opus is obviously as Lieutenant Dixon Piper (if you are going to click one link in this post, please let it be this one. OPUS, people) in the MacGruber.

Post is over I can't top that last link... CELERY TRICK!!!!!

(this was a joint effort with Ronimal)

Reindeer Games: Greatest Supporting Cast Ever

The term bench mob is widely associated with the non-starters of an NBA team. The origin of the term is still widely debated in basketball circles in terms of when it started whether it be Jordan’s 1990s Bulls, the glory days of the of Sacramento Kings, or the 2007-2008 Lakers.

All of these options fall short to John Frankenheimer’s Reindeer Games. Frankenheimer’s last and possibly best worked was initially billed as an Affleck, Sinise, Theron headliner. Upon further inspection Frankehnheimer’s real achievement was the supporting cast that included the likes of Dana Stubblefield, Isaac Hayes, Danny Trejo, Dennis Farina, Ashton Kutcher, Ron Jeremy and Donal Logue. To put it lightly we haven’t seen an eclectic cast like this since Warren Beatty’s beacon of hope Town & Country.

A movie with early 00s Affleck was a feast in itself but throw in a BALCO client, a manager, a rapper, and a tennis star you have quite the spread. Rather you are not looking at a movie but rather a casting job done by none other than God himself. Is the plot of this film important, not really, does it matter that Frankenheimer insist on Affleck close ups or how he manages to get pummeled in every scene yet only end up with a bloody nose, not at all. What does matter is being gripped and tickled by this supporting cast and the fact that Frankenheimer got them all. The notion of landing only one of these guys would have been a remarkable feat, but to acquire such a trough of talent is rather unheard of. We shouldn’t disregard such a timeless classic, but rather embrace it. It does not matter that parts of this movie leaves us in flux what does matter is that Reindeer Games is a gem of a picture that should be embraced for its supporting cast that can simply be described as poetry in motion.

A movie and a supporting cast ahead of its time that will never be duplicated or replicated. To put it plainly the viewing public only has one decision to make when it comes to the personalities surrounding Reindeer Games, great or greatest.

Oh Machine thought I would tell you a little bit about myself
My a favorite song ‘One’ by Metallica
My second favorite song ‘The One’ by Limp Bizkit
My favorite game Uno
My favorite movie is Solo with the ever incomparable Mario Van Peebles
Your welcome

Classic Movies: Jennifer's Body

I will be doing a series of posts simply called classic movies where I present classic movies through the history of filmmaking. Today's installment is the true classic, Jennifer's Body written by the ever slender and clean cut Diablo Cody from The United States of Tara fame.

JENNIFER'S BODY

I had never seen this film before last night because it was a open friday, gone Saturday type of release. I happen to be a Sunday matinee type of machine. So what a delight for me when I saw it was on at 11 PM in an apartment where I happened to be alone to myself. Now you give me Amanda Seyfried and i'll raise you a Meryl Streep because that's how I role (Mamma Mia - ultimate classic especially with Pierce Brosnan sultry voice). But then if you add a Megan Fox then I'm in trouble until, Hello, how you doing Mathew Fox! Double Whammy! Not so impressed. The kicker however was Adam Brody who happen to have some of the finest acting chops I've seen since Channing Tatum was a tour de force in GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra. I decided to to watch.

What I liked:

J.K. Simmons - The man was rocking hair better then Beverly D'Angelo in Hair (Made you look). There has never been a bad movie with J.K. Simmons and that's a fact. He really went method in this one like he did when he out peppered Barry Pepper in 3: The Dale Earnhardt Story as Dale's daddy. Do you realize how hard it is to out pepper pepper? Barry Pepper can't even out pepper himself when Ned Pepper took over his body in True Grit. Too Pepper or too Reelz Channel? Then add a little salt and wow, that's a hell of a formula that maybe only some Marley Shelton's Sugar and Spice can out do. What I'm trying to say is J.K Simmons is the inside man's Omar aka I jus made an OZ ref!

Amanda Seyfried playing the ugly girl: I mean what a fine performance by such a beautiful woman. The way she put those glasses on and then wore her hair back made her hideous. So hideous that even Captain America would turn Dalton Trumbo on her ass (That's as too obscure as you get!). And the way she lost her virginity to the nerdy six packed kid felt so realistic. She felt no pain at all as he jumped right into action but right before she started hallucinating dead people. Now that's movie magic!

What I didn't like:

No Boobies: No boobies

Consensus: Must see movie. I actually only watched the first hour and a bit because it was late and I had done what I intended to do when I turned it on in the first place.....Get to the second kill scene of course. For all you sick minded people, let me remind you that mothers read this site. I am definitely one machine that will not get myself involved in mommy issues like an Albert Brook's over written somewhat funny but overall annoying film. Though, I still love you Debbie even if your daughter turned into a man.

That's how it's done Ronimal. Read and learn, short and sweet. Though the players have changed, the game is still the same. Reverse Grubes!

Machine

He Giveth He Taketh Away

The Academy Awards are designed to spotlight the very best that Hollywood has to offer. Winning an Oscar can either be a seminal moment in one’s career or a jump off to stardom. The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences needs to do right by the viewing public and rescue awards that have been both desecrated and to a certain extent defecated on. Here is the top five list of actors and actresses who should save us all the embarrassment and give back what is not theirs to keep.

Adrien Brody- In 2002 he became the youngest actor at the age of 29 to win for best actor in a leading role. His portrayal Władysław Szpilman in Roman Polanski’s The Pianist has been regarded as one of the finest roles this past decade. For Adrien it starts and stops here. A rather peculiar looking man who is Jewish both by birth and enflamed nostrils is a man who is not the prototypical leading man and for this reason alone out of the graciousness of his heart and nose that he gives back his Oscars. Since 2002, Brody has gone on to do some decent work of which has been acclaimed yet no one seems to give a shit about. Perhaps Adrien Brody can best be equated to basketball player Quentin Richardson or ‘Q Rich’ as he is known. As Brody has given us many forgetful performances in The Village and King Kong, Q Rich has done the same as he has been widely regarded as averaging the most meaningless 13 ppg. Adrien has now been reduced to shooting Stella Artois commercials where he has managed to sing his way out of show business and out of our hearts.

Forest Whitaker- Oh Forest why do you make me do this. He captivated our minds as Charles Jefferson in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and then brought home the Oscar for his 2006 performance as Idi Amin in The Last King of Scotland. For the sake of this post its best we fast-forward 25 years. It was the pinnacle moment in a career that should have continued on the up and up. The final straw was Whitaker deciding to partake in Our Family Wedding. A film that has been recommended by abortion clinics. After collaborating with the likes of Denzel Washington and James McAvoy, Forest decided it was his time to duke it out with Carlos Mencia (Born Ned Mencia). Most recently Forest has been whoring himself out in the CBS television drama Criminal Minds, a no no for all Oscar winners. Just ask Timothy Hutton we took back his Oscar without even asking. Perhaps Forest is blinded by light and someday he will be able to see the forest through the trees.

Halle Berry- The body of a Goddess and the acting range of a seven year old. Again this pains me to do this as Halle has been described as one of America’s remaining treasures but for the sake of this article she fits the bill. Halle won for her portrayal as Leticia Musgrove in 2001’s Monster Ball becoming the first African-American woman to win the Oscar. It was a monumental moment for all to see and in her speech Halle promised to continue doing good work. Apparently she forgot her own words and followed this up with Catwoman. A movie so bad that according to our I-team reporting we can neither confirm nor deny that this was the last actual sighting of Benjamin Bratt. I give Halle Berry credit for her performance and her body in Swordfish as she was able to turn straight both Hugh Jackman and John Travolta, no easy task. But we expect more from her and thankfully motherhood has brought her great joy as well as the viewing public from preventing anymore Halle Berry films.

Roberto Benigni- See 2002’s Pinocchio.

Nicolas Cage- The man was an institution in the 1990s. With such films as The Rock, Con Air, Face Off, and rumored to be the inspiration for the movie Reindeer Games, maybe it was too good to be true. Cage won his Oscar for his portrayal of suicidal alcoholic Ben Sanderson in Leaving Las Vegas. Being a Coppola it was fitting that Nic would continue on to do great work and to a certain extent he did with the likes of Gone in Sixty Seconds, Adaptation and Matchstick Men. He could no wrong, accept marry the fat chick that happened to be Elvis daughter. Unfortunately the mystique and magic of Nicolas Cage came to a scathing halt with 2006s Wicker Man. The utter shittiness of this performance can best be described in this scene. The onslaught of horror continued with Bangkok Dangerous, Season of the Witch and his crowning jewel Drive Angry. Maybe I’m being too harsh on the man we call Cage, but we want greatness, rather we need it. Maybe Nic has chosen one bad choice after another, after it had been revealed by Kevin Smith that Liam Neeson has the biggest cock in Hollywood and not Nicolas Cage. Nic I want you to achieve glory once again but for now its best that you do this.