The Academy Awards are designed to spotlight the very best that Hollywood has to offer. Winning an Oscar can either be a seminal moment in one’s career or a jump off to stardom. The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences needs to do right by the viewing public and rescue awards that have been both desecrated and to a certain extent defecated on. Here is the top five list of actors and actresses who should save us all the embarrassment and give back what is not theirs to keep.
Adrien Brody- In 2002 he became the youngest actor at the age of 29 to win for best actor in a leading role. His portrayal Władysław Szpilman in Roman Polanski’s The Pianist has been regarded as one of the finest roles this past decade. For Adrien it starts and stops here. A rather peculiar looking man who is Jewish both by birth and enflamed nostrils is a man who is not the prototypical leading man and for this reason alone out of the graciousness of his heart and nose that he gives back his Oscars. Since 2002, Brody has gone on to do some decent work of which has been acclaimed yet no one seems to give a shit about. Perhaps Adrien Brody can best be equated to basketball player Quentin Richardson or ‘Q Rich’ as he is known. As Brody has given us many forgetful performances in The Village and King Kong, Q Rich has done the same as he has been widely regarded as averaging the most meaningless 13 ppg. Adrien has now been reduced to shooting Stella Artois commercials where he has managed to sing his way out of show business and out of our hearts.
Forest Whitaker- Oh Forest why do you make me do this. He captivated our minds as Charles Jefferson in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and then brought home the Oscar for his 2006 performance as Idi Amin in The Last King of Scotland. For the sake of this post its best we fast-forward 25 years. It was the pinnacle moment in a career that should have continued on the up and up. The final straw was Whitaker deciding to partake in Our Family Wedding. A film that has been recommended by abortion clinics. After collaborating with the likes of Denzel Washington and James McAvoy, Forest decided it was his time to duke it out with Carlos Mencia (Born Ned Mencia). Most recently Forest has been whoring himself out in the CBS television drama Criminal Minds, a no no for all Oscar winners. Just ask Timothy Hutton we took back his Oscar without even asking. Perhaps Forest is blinded by light and someday he will be able to see the forest through the trees.
Halle Berry- The body of a Goddess and the acting range of a seven year old. Again this pains me to do this as Halle has been described as one of America’s remaining treasures but for the sake of this article she fits the bill. Halle won for her portrayal as Leticia Musgrove in 2001’s Monster Ball becoming the first African-American woman to win the Oscar. It was a monumental moment for all to see and in her speech Halle promised to continue doing good work. Apparently she forgot her own words and followed this up with Catwoman. A movie so bad that according to our I-team reporting we can neither confirm nor deny that this was the last actual sighting of Benjamin Bratt. I give Halle Berry credit for her performance and her body in Swordfish as she was able to turn straight both Hugh Jackman and John Travolta, no easy task. But we expect more from her and thankfully motherhood has brought her great joy as well as the viewing public from preventing anymore Halle Berry films.
Roberto Benigni- See 2002’s Pinocchio.
Nicolas Cage- The man was an institution in the 1990s. With such films as The Rock, Con Air, Face Off, and rumored to be the inspiration for the movie Reindeer Games, maybe it was too good to be true. Cage won his Oscar for his portrayal of suicidal alcoholic Ben Sanderson in Leaving Las Vegas. Being a Coppola it was fitting that Nic would continue on to do great work and to a certain extent he did with the likes of Gone in Sixty Seconds, Adaptation and Matchstick Men. He could no wrong, accept marry the fat chick that happened to be Elvis daughter. Unfortunately the mystique and magic of Nicolas Cage came to a scathing halt with 2006s Wicker Man. The utter shittiness of this performance can best be described in this scene. The onslaught of horror continued with Bangkok Dangerous, Season of the Witch and his crowning jewel Drive Angry. Maybe I’m being too harsh on the man we call Cage, but we want greatness, rather we need it. Maybe Nic has chosen one bad choice after another, after it had been revealed by Kevin Smith that Liam Neeson has the biggest cock in Hollywood and not Nicolas Cage. Nic I want you to achieve glory once again but for now its best that you do this.
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