Transformers 3: But what about Chicago?

Where do I start with this giant mess of a third film stolen off a B side of a Pink Floyd album. Roger (Brian) Waters says run like hell but for the sake of a new post, I will dive head first into the carnage of Michael Bay's third installment about how to kill millions of lives as well as a city but save Shia his girlfriend because he'd really miss her if she was lost.

Cast:

Shia LeBeoff: Not to be confused with LaBeof from True Grit because that would be just too LaBeofy for Shia's liking and way too Ned Pepper but we've gone there already. The only rooster (too local Polar Bear?) he knows is the one Mel Gibson played in Chicken Run. That film I believe was about how kosher chickens were being slaughtered and Mel thought that was okay...right....cause he's a Nazi sympathizer. Too soon? Fine, Never again! Wallace and Gromit just threw up. Not as much as Tintin who rolled over like all Frenchman do cause he had to save his loser culture. USA!!! Which reminds, this is a review of Transformers 3. Let's not get off track like Kip Pardue. Shia really branched out this time by not just dating a hot chick for no reason except he's short and cast as the male lead, but dated a British hot chick. Nothing (but trouble - RIP Mr. Candy, Canadian (Bacon) icon) says America like Britain being America's Bitch and so you have it, Shia Lebeoff's best role since The Battle of Shaker Heights (Too William Sandler or too Project Greenlight? How I yearn for you Stolen Summer and Bonnie Hunt's sexual prowess over Steve Martin's penis). All one needs to know about his character is he's a messenger, not a postman. Oh, and he survived because you never kill the messenger unless when it's SPARTAAAAAAA!

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley: She's the new Megan Fox (Shut Up!) except she doesn't have the stigma of Jonah Hex on her rap sheet (oh, how that sill burns like Williem Dafoe's movies burn when they involve either Mississippi or Jason Patric). Here's my take, She's really hot, really smart, never gets dirty, and falls for Shia because Michael Bay said so. In a six hour movie of complete destruction and Frances McDormand butt shots (also burns but only after reading), there's only one kiss between the two lovers. Michael Bay must have of been sick that day because Rosie's his, all his I say!!!! His Precious! Did I mention Peter Jackson's involved in the Tintin movie even after that fruitcake, Tintin, bailed on us in WWII (Fruitcake means a cake made of fruit and nothing else). Rosie Huntington-Whitely is the best hyphenated name to come about since Ryan Nugent-Hopkins (half Ted Nugent, half Bernard Hopkins, all Amazing, it's the Doorman!!!) went first overall in the NHL draft to your Edmonton Oilers. Btw she can really act and what I really mean is she can't act at all.

Tyrese Gibson: He added nothing and I believe I didn't see a Ving Rhames naked butt shot, though I can't be certain.

Mr. Fergie: See Tyrese Gibson. After Win a Date with Tad Hamilton, I really thought he'd be the break out star, instead it was nobody from that picture (Gary Cole was already a star aka see (Spot Run) A Very Brady Sequel (Too Shelly Long or just long enough?)

John Malkovich: He wasn't dangerous (Liasons) in this movie but certainly red in the face. He brought some fresh (Con) air to a film lacking some punch except for the delicious performance given by a bowling child molester (Too Coen for ya cause I've already doubled my count? Where Art Thou now Joel and Ethan?). He was able overcame the stigma of Jonah Hex by playing himself. In this movie however, he did something I thought he did once before, go full retard. Who knew that Lenny was somewhat normal. Damn you Gary Sinise, damn you to hell you impostor! Nobody puts baby in a corner, not even for a ransom (So Swayze) even if it targets a Jew hater. Actually I rescind that statement, good for you, Mr. Sinise. I made 10 movie refs not involving Transformers with no hyperlinks. Figure it out yourself or keep the change you filthy animal. 11!!!!

Steve the Pirate and Dr. Ken Jeong: Pirate Steve gave a virtuoso performance as a man named Dutch who goes method with a strong accent only to break from it randomly for no reason whatsoever. His character is never explained or understood but some how steals every scene in which he's located. Kenny on the other hand actually didn't make sense at all. He was like Jackie Chan and the audience was like Chris Tucker pre "I hate acting so I quit" but post Jackie Brown aka Larry Crowne aka Rob Riggle's man boobs (respect the man boobs). Ken Jeong spoke nonsense until he was killed by a flying robot whithhout one shot of his penis. This is when I realized I was not in Hangover 2 but Knocked Up, what a role model.

Patrick Dempsey: Spoiler alert, McDreamy looked fat....and was also the bad guy. Character not needed but what dreamy (angel) eyes.

Anthony Anderson: Not in this movie. Why not?

Chicago: It was destroyed, millions died, and nobody cared. I literally watched people's heads explode in a kid's film. I thought Cary Elwes was going to show up like he did in Saw. First I think Robin Hood: Men in Tights, and then BAM! guy's cutting his leg off and Danny Glover is dead. I hate you Mel Gibson!!!!! Apparently Los Angeles was taken because it was still recovering form Hancock and the Rodney King riots. New York was taken after Cloverfield effed shit up. Washington D.C. has never been the same since Bill Pullman was in office. Seattle was a no because it's been sleepless way too long. So Chicago was the next obvious choice to be leveled to the ground. The film was actually shot in Detroit (I actually don't know) because it was the perfect location to display a city already destroyed and ravaged with poverty, death, and the smell of a dirty Randy porn shoot or is that Dirty Mike and the boys. Good for you Detroit.

The movie will make a billion dollars, Michael Bay will bang a billion more chicks and children around the world will go to bed orphaned, starving, and possibly HIV positive. Happy 4th of July America!

Machine