Hello folks, I'm back like Brian Mcaffrey was back for his brother because when your brother is in trouble, sometimes you just have to look into the fire and scream, "I'm going for the hose!" Anyways, my brother in arms, the celery trick, has left me despite my best efforts. Hopefully, as I grab the hose, he will atleast due me the solid of exclaming, "That's my brother Goddammit!" In other words, though I disapear a lot, neglect this blog, and am a completely selfish self centered attention whore, I will always be back because that's what firends are for, that and benefits. I feel like I'm the other (Boleyn) girl in that new movie "3" (not to be confused with the Dale Earnhardt movie because been there, done that, Pepper!), you know, the girl (as well as movie) you never saw because everyone's too busy three waying it that they never (ever say never - McGruber) stop to say, "hey, maybe we should make this a swingers party and add a fourth" and I'd gladly go Pettyffer and be like "I am number 4." But noooo, no invitation for moi because I'm still too Favreau. Maybe that's why he's off too New York, maybe he can't handle my love (actually, definately, maybe) becuase I've become James Gandolfini ala The Mexican. I'm a fat sweaty, hairy, ugly gay (not actually gay Kate) man that's insecure because I'm a fat sweaty, hairy, ugly gay (Once again no, not that there's anything wrong with it) man who nobody can love (Can't buy me love Lover Boy? Too Dempsey). But don't worry (Julie and) Julia, I won't kill you becuase in the end of the day, Polar Bear is gonna ask for me to let go Bull. But YOU GO, WE GO. Who's your brother (now) Brian? cue the flatline(rs) becuase nothing screams sexy like Oliver Platt (see The Three Musketeers or any Oliver Platt movie). Back to my main point for this article, Bucky Larson is the film of the year and this is why....
Nick Swardson: Move over Zac Efron because we have a new sheriff in town and his name is BONG! What's his name? Oh ya, He's a ni..BONG! I kid around ala Mikael Richards on a bad day, maybe one day (Anne Hathaway will go away) Mr. Richards will have his good day or for Russell Crowe's sake, a good year. But no, I digress as Leslie Nielsen would stop me and remind all, "no, the worse." RIP you crazy canuck who gave us such classics as Mr. Magoo and Men with Brooms (curling equivalent to Schindler's list). Swardson goes method as he often does and pulls off a performance of a life time for an actor who should never (say never - Justin Bieber) had been (unfor)given the chance to star in a movie in the first place because he has limited talent (except for being amazing). The last time we saw Nick, he was the lead in the Dolph Lundgren Docudrama Just Go With It: How Stallone Raped Dolph in the Pooper. I haven't been so horrified (aroused) by a performance since Michael Douglas dido'd (Still can Swayze it) that shit on Jeanne Tripplehorn. Wow, she's never recovered considering the men (who stare at goats) she's been with since (A man with webbed feet, a polygamist, and Bill Paxton, confused? So's Harry Dean Stanton since he hit senior citizenship back in 1963. Maybe what we have here is a failure to communicate.). Swardson sadly was not nominated for this virtuoso performance but with Bucky, he's a shoe in.
Christina Ricci: I thought she hit her (Dante's) peak in The Addams Family but I was wrong after seeing Casper. She left acting only to return with much vigor in Pecker. Little did we know, this film was only made in an attempt to prolong Edward Furlong's career into a 16th minute (Even Ed Burns knows you only get 15 minutes). Mr. Furlong, please follow your destiny (see River Phoenix, too wrong?). I Somehow how watched all of Black Snake Moan while only actually watching exactly 4 mins 52 seconds. If you can't understand then you probably also missed my Basic Instinct ref earlier in the article. But let's continue because I don't have the time for a total recall (BOOOM!). In Bucky, Ricci plays it straight as a women who's dream is to become a waitress. It's sad how she suffers kind of like Kevin Nealon's career since....well, since.....Fuck it, Kevin Nealon never really had a career so let's say birth (of a nation - cue the Michael Richards comment). Wait, now that I think of it, Ricci actually hit her sexual peak in Mermaids or was that Cher in her 60's. Moral of the story is Winoma Ryder was once that it girl all girls could aspire to be (not hot but worth a lay and a conversation) but now she looks terrible. What happened? Or was that Cher in Burlesque? Anyways, can we bring Bob Hoskins back into popular culture. No man has ever effected little boys lives (excluding Michael Jackson) more then Bob Hoskins. He was Super Mario, Smee (Hook is criminally underrated, seriously!!!!) and the pumpkin from Nightmare Before Christmas. I need this man back in my life maybe more then I need a girlfriend in my life.....I'll take the girlfriend on second thought.
Stephen Dorff: Let's keep it short, he played a character named Dick Shadow who apparently has the best taint and claims that, "Nothing grows in my cock shade, nothing!!!" All this actually occurred in the movie. Unfortunately I was unaware that Dorff was in this movie until the second half (baked) because I thought I was watching Brad Renfro. Then I realized Renfro went River on us, God damn you Furlong . This paragraph was almost shorter then Stephen Dorff's career potential.
Christopher Mcdonald: The real winner of the film. He went Wesley Snipes (Dorff connection) ala To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar as he was almost unrecognizable as Bucky Larson's penis. Everyone, we have our best actor at the Oscars! (Once again I can neither confirm nor deny Mr. Mcdonald's participation in this film due to the fact he was not credited (Like fuckin Gary Oldman) and is possibly dead from being to good at his craft (with a young Robin Tunney).
Bucky Larson was a star, a big bright shining star. That's right. You can all re-zip your pants now including you Dirk (Nowitzki) Diggler.
Goodnight, rest time for Machine. Need to recharge.
P.S. Heather Graham or Julianne Moore? Greatest debate our generation. What what Luis Guzman say? Probably "Step away from that ledge my friend." Yes, man, yes.
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