Movie Review: Bad Teacher

Behind masterful direction from Director Jake Kasdan and a Sorkin-like script from Lee Eisneberg and Gene Stupinksy, Bad Teacher proves to be a cinematic triumph. Kasdan, who of course directed the criminally underrated Orange County and Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, artfully orchestrated a masterpiece by utilizing the comedic chops of all involved. Eisenberg and Stupinsky previously collaborated for the critical darling Year One, and they have managed to one-up themselves with this effort. Cameron Diaz gives a inspiring performance as the lead, displaying all of the raw emotion we have seen from her in previous works such as in The Sweetest Thing (I still miss you babe, and I don't wanna miss a thinggggg) and The Mask. Jason Segel and Phyllis from the Office shine as well. A Cinema Talk original theory was in play in this movie- The "There has never been a bad movie with anyone from The Office in it"- and Bad Teacher delivered in spades.

Random tangent: Is Bad Teacher badder than Bad Santa? If so, is it badder than Bad Blake?

Summary: For a movie with no plot, likable characters or character development, Bad Teacher had a surprisingly low Rotten Tomatoes score of 40%. This movie has it all- sexual innuendos, facetious people, dry-humping and John Michael Higgins (Gary, on the kick drum!). I absolutely recommend this flick.

Final Rating: CLASSIC!!

Blast from the Past

Because the Celery Stick refuses to post any new material because he's to busy watching Brian's (Song) basketball games, I, of course, have to pick up the slack(ers) like cool Ethan in early decline Devon Sawa era (Too removed from Casper but still searching for his Final Destination. Now and Then we reminisce about this fallen icon ala River Phoenix). So I will be starting a series of posts on classic movies from my childhood. Blast for the Past may be one of them considering it has an all-time great cast in the J-Man, Cher, A Jew who plays football, and a late bloomer who kills people (or lives in Badlands with Terrence Malick's 1st wife) plus this guy from Mad TV. But todays film is one I watched yesterday for the first time in ages.

Mortal Combat (1995)

Pure classic and the graphics are amazing as well. It's like watching an action video game using Who Framed Roger Rabbit special effects or it's like watching a Paul W.S. Anderson film who just so happened to be the director on Mortal Combat. Ving Rhames and Danny Trejo would be homeless without Anderson and it was this film that allowed him to further his directing prowess in such classics as AVP and Death Race. Oscar anyone?

Cast:

Robin Shou: Not only did he play the male lead in Mortal Combat, he battled wits with Chris Farley in Beverly Hills Ninja. Most versatile actor of our generation or most versatile actor of all-time? He was funnier opposite Farley than Matthew Perry was in Almost Heroes but that's like saying getting C - on a test is great because the retarded kid next to you failed. Robin Shou has not been seen since 1995 unless he is Jackie Chan, Jet Li, or Chow Yun Fat or are these people one in the same but I digress.

Christopher Lambert: Never heard of him? That's because he is not the voice of reason in Dexter's head as James Remar is. How are these two even linked? Both played Lord Rayden in the Mortal Combat franchise, Remar in the classic sequel that made no sense. Lambert has not been seen since 1995.

Linden Ashby: He played Johnny Cage, killed in 3rd minute of sequel, hasn't been seen since 1995.

Taliso Soto: She sizzled opposite the greatest Bond ever (possibly George Lazenby?) but found herself finally in the role of the century as a 10 thousand year old princess fighting for the good guys. She has been seen since 1995 but as the rebound girl for Benjamin Bratt and the cleaner of his children's diapers. Meow!!!!

Bridgette Wilson: when she was wholesome and mine. Then Pete Sampras had to screw it all up for everyone. Do you know he's a terrible tipper and really boring. Why?!!!!!!!!! Oh Bridgette, how I yearn for your return on the silver screen. Sooooo Hot, what to touch her heiny! If anyone could split these two up, it would be gratefully appreciated. I double dog dare you!

Christopher Mcdonald: Not in this movie. But don't I have a nice rack!

That's all for now. i know it's not great but deal (or no deal) with it. I was bored, now I'm lazy so I'll come back later and hyperlink it up. Let's consider this a rough draft.

Born in Britain Made in America

He’s been described as having a sultry smooth voice that is pure as butter. He’s delivered knock out performances one after the other. In the cinema world he’s described as ‘Liquid Gold.’ Were talking about a man who’s consistently robbed the careers of Chi McBride and Faizon Love. Here at Cinema Bros. we want to devote our attention to those under the radar stars and today it happens to be the exceptional Delroy Lindo. Born to Jamaican parents Delroy honed his skills in theater before getting his breakthrough role in Malcolm X. In Hollywood Dennis Farina has been described as the white Delroy Lindo. As a result Farina has demanded that Lindo (Romeo) must die. After being one of Crooklyn’s finest and delivering the goods in Get Shorty, Lindo truly broke through with his performance of Captain Wanta in 1995s Congo. It can be confirmed that Lindo is only the second person ever to put Tim Curry in a corner, and as we know not just anybody can put the Curry in a corner.

Lindo has given the audience a sense of protection as he is constantly cast as member of law enforcement. Soon after the dominos began to fall and Lindo landed the role of a lifetime facing off with Nicolas Cage in Gone in Sixty Seconds. Two Hollywood Heavyweights jousting each other for ultimate glory. The only film comparison that can be made to this is when Dennis Hopper had the audacity to go toe-too-toe with the Deedles. On the Paul Walker front has there ever been a better actor out there that we literally know absolutely nothing about.

Back to Lindo following his ‘Cage-Off’ his career did not take off as we expected and was nearly blackballed out of the profession by some (Charles) minor amateur. Through his code of conduct and constant professionalism Delroy returned and joined us This Christmas where he showed his fathering skills to a young Sisqo. We’ve hung by Lindo and in return he has brought us a wealth of enjoyment. To conclude I wanted to inform Celery Trick that in 1994 Lindo traveled to Africa with both Angela Basset and Alfre Woodard proving that they are two separate people, and once again Delroy Lindo showed the world that he is the (Minnesota) miracle man. Delroy Lindo part man, part machine, TOTAL WEAPON.

The Life and Times of Christopher Mcdonald

Never has one man tickled the cinema world's balls more delightfully then Mr. Mcdonald. Some say he was a gift from the Greek Gods, others say he was the love child of Clark Gable and Marie Curie. I personally am just happy to have had my balls tickled so delightfully by this (iron) giant among men.

Filmography:

Grease 2 (1982): Mcdoanld burst onto the scene in his method portrayal of Goose Mckenzie, a bad boy with style. Most watch this classic sequel for a pre-Fisher Stevens Michelle Pfeiffer because seriously, things were never the same afterwards. She took the role in Grease 2 because she was looking for some more serious material after the laugher Scarface. She found it here because obviously Al Pacino is no Maxwell Caulfield (Who's that guy? :-0). Btw my personal favorite pre-Fisher Stevens Pfeiffer film has to be Married to the Mob because Matthew Modine has never made a bad movie. Look it up, the guy's batting 100 percent like Denny Crane in court (Wow, Too post-Fisher Stevens obscure?) Only Mathew Modine can turn an AIDs movie into a rousing romantic comedy where everyone goes home happy but in this case, everyone dies. Back to my main point, please try not get lost, I don't watch Grease 2 for Pfeiffer, I watch it for Mcdonald and the cleverly well written songs of course, such as We're Gonna Score Tonight (while bowling), Do It (not duet) for Our Country (in a war bunker), and Reproduction (while talking about reproduction). Mcdonald made Grease 2 the best sequel ever until Sly Stallone's Stayin' Alive came out one year later. Because when a woman wants to make love to you, there's only one action a man can take, and that is to STRUT!

Another Midnight Run (TV Movie - 1994): The first Midnight Run was so good and had such great finality to it (Seriously!) that the studio executives just had to make a straight to television sequel starring Mcdonald rather than De Niro because in all honesty De Niro cannot even imagine the emotional depths Mcdonald brings to each and every character he becomes (Run on sentence). Mcdonald was in 1 episode of Cheers, an American classic, whereas Bobby D. made a movie with Val Kilmer (all careers die with Val Kilmer unless your Macgruber where your career triples itself a thousand times in strength ex. Bridesmaids). Easy win for Mcdonald.

Happy Gilmore (1996): I will not talk about Shooter Mcgavin except it is the greatest performance ever captured on celluloid. This one character deserves it's own post by itself on a mantle where people can only look but can't touch. And I'll leave it at that.

Celtic Pride (1996): The true inspiration for this post as I just watched this classic for the hundredth time earlier today. Mcdonald gets to the heart of coaching professional basketball with his quote: "In basketball, you see the problem, you solve the problem, that's coaching." And that my friend is Oscar worthy. Well done sir, Well done. But Daniel Stern deserved better but after his bush whacking accident, well it's to hard to talk about (He strutted too). Maybe I'll tell you in the next three days.

The Perfect Storm (2000): Mcdonald brought some needed weight to a film that Dewey Cox just couldn't carry himself. I love pre-Will Ferrell John C. Reilly as much as I love John C. Reilly now. The way he caressed Jennifer Aniston's boob (That's Holden Caulfield, not Maxwell Caulfield, don't be greedy, you had Grease 2), the way he wanted to bang that heroin addict because he was lonely while Tom Cruise acted like himself on screen, the way he used to dance. Yes, that's what I miss most, I liked the way we danced (Too soon? A black man can't be God unless his name is Morgan Freeman but even the trailer gets me emotional). The real problem with The Perfect Storm is it had a cast, and a budget, and a script (notice my Steinbeck style with the repetitive "And") but it didn't have a title. Cue Christopher Mcdonald. He came in all serious, looked at a weather report and said, "A storm is coming from the left, and another storm is coming from the right, and a third one just appeared and my lord, they're all gonna merge at the center and create......THE PERFECT STORM!" -exact lines from film

61* (2001) His long goodbye. Mcdonald had a voice that could melt a woman's heart and used it to great effect in this true classic about America's pastime. This film was already classic as it starred Barry Pepper and you can never ever get enough pepper from the Pepper even if he's losing his hair. Thomas Jane hung on for dear life as these two heavyweights duked it out on screen. Jane ultimately was lost forever to a deep blue sea.

Christopher Mcdonald died shortly after the release of 61* . He knew his time was up so he left the way he came, abruptly. A fat man, however claiming to be a Christopher Mcdonald, has appeared on several T.V shows in bit parts over the last decade. I can neither confirm or deny if this man is telling the truth.

There you have it. I missed many films (Flubber) but I ran out of power and need be recharged for future posts.

Hope you were tickled a little,

Machine

Law of Phillippe

There is the timeless phrase "when in doubt, run the football". Here at Cinema Talk. we have the mantra "when in doubt, cast Ryan Phillippe". He crashed onto the scene with one spine tingling performance after another. To put it simply, on a scale of one to ten, Phillippe is a 54. According to our fact checkers, when Ryan is cast in a movie that film is guaranteed to go up one star, as well as having a 46% increase in revenue. Furthermore, his mere presence upgrades a film one level in our ratings scale. There is a sense of (anti) trust the audience has with Phillippe, and this has led to him being in a (Bang Bang) club of his own. We’ve never stopped (loss) pursuing the law of Phillippe as he has constantly displayed and perfected his acting chops. I can assure our intentions are purely innocent in this post. Phillippe's opus is obviously as Lieutenant Dixon Piper (if you are going to click one link in this post, please let it be this one. OPUS, people) in the MacGruber.

Post is over I can't top that last link... CELERY TRICK!!!!!

(this was a joint effort with Ronimal)

Reindeer Games: Greatest Supporting Cast Ever

The term bench mob is widely associated with the non-starters of an NBA team. The origin of the term is still widely debated in basketball circles in terms of when it started whether it be Jordan’s 1990s Bulls, the glory days of the of Sacramento Kings, or the 2007-2008 Lakers.

All of these options fall short to John Frankenheimer’s Reindeer Games. Frankenheimer’s last and possibly best worked was initially billed as an Affleck, Sinise, Theron headliner. Upon further inspection Frankehnheimer’s real achievement was the supporting cast that included the likes of Dana Stubblefield, Isaac Hayes, Danny Trejo, Dennis Farina, Ashton Kutcher, Ron Jeremy and Donal Logue. To put it lightly we haven’t seen an eclectic cast like this since Warren Beatty’s beacon of hope Town & Country.

A movie with early 00s Affleck was a feast in itself but throw in a BALCO client, a manager, a rapper, and a tennis star you have quite the spread. Rather you are not looking at a movie but rather a casting job done by none other than God himself. Is the plot of this film important, not really, does it matter that Frankenheimer insist on Affleck close ups or how he manages to get pummeled in every scene yet only end up with a bloody nose, not at all. What does matter is being gripped and tickled by this supporting cast and the fact that Frankenheimer got them all. The notion of landing only one of these guys would have been a remarkable feat, but to acquire such a trough of talent is rather unheard of. We shouldn’t disregard such a timeless classic, but rather embrace it. It does not matter that parts of this movie leaves us in flux what does matter is that Reindeer Games is a gem of a picture that should be embraced for its supporting cast that can simply be described as poetry in motion.

A movie and a supporting cast ahead of its time that will never be duplicated or replicated. To put it plainly the viewing public only has one decision to make when it comes to the personalities surrounding Reindeer Games, great or greatest.

Oh Machine thought I would tell you a little bit about myself
My a favorite song ‘One’ by Metallica
My second favorite song ‘The One’ by Limp Bizkit
My favorite game Uno
My favorite movie is Solo with the ever incomparable Mario Van Peebles
Your welcome

Classic Movies: Jennifer's Body

I will be doing a series of posts simply called classic movies where I present classic movies through the history of filmmaking. Today's installment is the true classic, Jennifer's Body written by the ever slender and clean cut Diablo Cody from The United States of Tara fame.

JENNIFER'S BODY

I had never seen this film before last night because it was a open friday, gone Saturday type of release. I happen to be a Sunday matinee type of machine. So what a delight for me when I saw it was on at 11 PM in an apartment where I happened to be alone to myself. Now you give me Amanda Seyfried and i'll raise you a Meryl Streep because that's how I role (Mamma Mia - ultimate classic especially with Pierce Brosnan sultry voice). But then if you add a Megan Fox then I'm in trouble until, Hello, how you doing Mathew Fox! Double Whammy! Not so impressed. The kicker however was Adam Brody who happen to have some of the finest acting chops I've seen since Channing Tatum was a tour de force in GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra. I decided to to watch.

What I liked:

J.K. Simmons - The man was rocking hair better then Beverly D'Angelo in Hair (Made you look). There has never been a bad movie with J.K. Simmons and that's a fact. He really went method in this one like he did when he out peppered Barry Pepper in 3: The Dale Earnhardt Story as Dale's daddy. Do you realize how hard it is to out pepper pepper? Barry Pepper can't even out pepper himself when Ned Pepper took over his body in True Grit. Too Pepper or too Reelz Channel? Then add a little salt and wow, that's a hell of a formula that maybe only some Marley Shelton's Sugar and Spice can out do. What I'm trying to say is J.K Simmons is the inside man's Omar aka I jus made an OZ ref!

Amanda Seyfried playing the ugly girl: I mean what a fine performance by such a beautiful woman. The way she put those glasses on and then wore her hair back made her hideous. So hideous that even Captain America would turn Dalton Trumbo on her ass (That's as too obscure as you get!). And the way she lost her virginity to the nerdy six packed kid felt so realistic. She felt no pain at all as he jumped right into action but right before she started hallucinating dead people. Now that's movie magic!

What I didn't like:

No Boobies: No boobies

Consensus: Must see movie. I actually only watched the first hour and a bit because it was late and I had done what I intended to do when I turned it on in the first place.....Get to the second kill scene of course. For all you sick minded people, let me remind you that mothers read this site. I am definitely one machine that will not get myself involved in mommy issues like an Albert Brook's over written somewhat funny but overall annoying film. Though, I still love you Debbie even if your daughter turned into a man.

That's how it's done Ronimal. Read and learn, short and sweet. Though the players have changed, the game is still the same. Reverse Grubes!

Machine

He Giveth He Taketh Away

The Academy Awards are designed to spotlight the very best that Hollywood has to offer. Winning an Oscar can either be a seminal moment in one’s career or a jump off to stardom. The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences needs to do right by the viewing public and rescue awards that have been both desecrated and to a certain extent defecated on. Here is the top five list of actors and actresses who should save us all the embarrassment and give back what is not theirs to keep.

Adrien Brody- In 2002 he became the youngest actor at the age of 29 to win for best actor in a leading role. His portrayal Władysław Szpilman in Roman Polanski’s The Pianist has been regarded as one of the finest roles this past decade. For Adrien it starts and stops here. A rather peculiar looking man who is Jewish both by birth and enflamed nostrils is a man who is not the prototypical leading man and for this reason alone out of the graciousness of his heart and nose that he gives back his Oscars. Since 2002, Brody has gone on to do some decent work of which has been acclaimed yet no one seems to give a shit about. Perhaps Adrien Brody can best be equated to basketball player Quentin Richardson or ‘Q Rich’ as he is known. As Brody has given us many forgetful performances in The Village and King Kong, Q Rich has done the same as he has been widely regarded as averaging the most meaningless 13 ppg. Adrien has now been reduced to shooting Stella Artois commercials where he has managed to sing his way out of show business and out of our hearts.

Forest Whitaker- Oh Forest why do you make me do this. He captivated our minds as Charles Jefferson in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and then brought home the Oscar for his 2006 performance as Idi Amin in The Last King of Scotland. For the sake of this post its best we fast-forward 25 years. It was the pinnacle moment in a career that should have continued on the up and up. The final straw was Whitaker deciding to partake in Our Family Wedding. A film that has been recommended by abortion clinics. After collaborating with the likes of Denzel Washington and James McAvoy, Forest decided it was his time to duke it out with Carlos Mencia (Born Ned Mencia). Most recently Forest has been whoring himself out in the CBS television drama Criminal Minds, a no no for all Oscar winners. Just ask Timothy Hutton we took back his Oscar without even asking. Perhaps Forest is blinded by light and someday he will be able to see the forest through the trees.

Halle Berry- The body of a Goddess and the acting range of a seven year old. Again this pains me to do this as Halle has been described as one of America’s remaining treasures but for the sake of this article she fits the bill. Halle won for her portrayal as Leticia Musgrove in 2001’s Monster Ball becoming the first African-American woman to win the Oscar. It was a monumental moment for all to see and in her speech Halle promised to continue doing good work. Apparently she forgot her own words and followed this up with Catwoman. A movie so bad that according to our I-team reporting we can neither confirm nor deny that this was the last actual sighting of Benjamin Bratt. I give Halle Berry credit for her performance and her body in Swordfish as she was able to turn straight both Hugh Jackman and John Travolta, no easy task. But we expect more from her and thankfully motherhood has brought her great joy as well as the viewing public from preventing anymore Halle Berry films.

Roberto Benigni- See 2002’s Pinocchio.

Nicolas Cage- The man was an institution in the 1990s. With such films as The Rock, Con Air, Face Off, and rumored to be the inspiration for the movie Reindeer Games, maybe it was too good to be true. Cage won his Oscar for his portrayal of suicidal alcoholic Ben Sanderson in Leaving Las Vegas. Being a Coppola it was fitting that Nic would continue on to do great work and to a certain extent he did with the likes of Gone in Sixty Seconds, Adaptation and Matchstick Men. He could no wrong, accept marry the fat chick that happened to be Elvis daughter. Unfortunately the mystique and magic of Nicolas Cage came to a scathing halt with 2006s Wicker Man. The utter shittiness of this performance can best be described in this scene. The onslaught of horror continued with Bangkok Dangerous, Season of the Witch and his crowning jewel Drive Angry. Maybe I’m being too harsh on the man we call Cage, but we want greatness, rather we need it. Maybe Nic has chosen one bad choice after another, after it had been revealed by Kevin Smith that Liam Neeson has the biggest cock in Hollywood and not Nicolas Cage. Nic I want you to achieve glory once again but for now its best that you do this.

Ronimal!!!!

Ok folks, this is Machine (sigh) and I have some breaking news!!!!! We have added a new member to the group so now I guess the Banger Bros. makes three's company. The celery trick was adamant that the Ronimal (who does a pretty good convincing Omar from the HBO show, The Wire) be added. I think this occurred because, pardon my french, the Celery Trick had a celery stick stuck up his ass. I haven't felt this scorned since Primo took Bobby Rayburn's number and I had to take things into my hands. Too obsure or too Barkin? Answer: too Leguizamo! But I had to make a decision, add Ronimal or lose a friend in the Celery Trick. It was the toughest choice since Sophie had to choose in the early 1940's . I hope this time around, the right choice was made. Too soon? No, just right.

Machine

Actor Spotlight: Ben Stiller

Ben Stiller, what a fine actor. But his career has been a sort of a mystery, man. After he shot to fame in the mid 90's with his starring turn in Happy Gilmore, Stiller had a huge, heavy weight lifted off his shoulder. He was finally a leading man. But, then reality bit. Stiller didn't catch a break until 1998, but that was merely because critics loved something about his costar. Now, she was MAGELLIN! During this time, his tv show was moved time-slots and into the midnight slot permanently. Meanwhile, in his personal life, Stiller was able to keep up with his faith and was a devoted family man to his family the Tenenbaums (Stiller is a stage name). In addition, he spent a lot of time on his farm home, where he tended to the animals.

Some personal tidbits on Stiller: he loved orange mocha frappuccinos, was good pals with Billy Zane (who's a good dude btw), befriended local tribesmen on a charitable mission in Madagascar (he did it too), and resided in Orange County (too local?). He moved into a duplex in New York City, where he had an envious neighbor (the J-MAN!!) who was into some sort of voodoo rain dance. Trust me, he did it!

Focusing back on Stiller's eclectic career, Stiller decided to take a break from the whole "acting" thang and went to work at a museum (he did it too), until the POLICIA! came and escorted him out. It's really a wonder he never went to prison. I'll tell you what I want, what I really wanted from Stiller at this point in his career, which was for Scorcher 7.

Now, Stiller has reclaimed his status as one of the elite actors in Hollywood after his courageous turn in his personal project film on arctic exploration and how lush green grass could grow on icebergs in frigid temperature, titled "Greenberg".

Hope you enjoyed this behind-the-scenes investigative report, that is all for now....

But seriously... why male models?????

Chris Farley or John Belushi?

This has to be at least one of the top 13 questions of all-time with:

- What does Nic Cage know that we all don't?

- How long has Brendan Fraser worn a hair piece?

- Did that little boy in Searching for Bobby Fischer ever find Bobby Fischer?

- How does Carl Everett know dinosaurs never existed?

- How come Jesse James cheated on America's Sweetheart, Sandra Bullock? Oh wait, I think it's because she married a tattooed trailer trash bike maker. waaah waaah I feel soooooo bad for you.....NOT! and God you were annoying in Speed. No wonder Jack left you before Speed 2: Cruise Control. Too Dafoe?

-Etc, Etc, Etc...

Back to my main point, the Belushi-Farley debate!

Lets look at the comparisons:

1) Both owned on SNL during the glory periods of the franchise unless you really enjoyed Joe Piscopo and his fine years in the 80's.

ADVANTAGE: Farley - though Belushi was an original, even he can't ever be better then a naked fat man dancing. That's Gold Jerry, Gold!

2) Both had great short movie careers such as classics like 1941 for Belushi and Almost Heroes for Farley.

ADVANTAGE: Belushi cause he's a zit! Get it! Booooom!

3) Both were fat

ADVANTAGE: Cholesterol

4) Both died young.

ADVANTAGE: River Phoenix

5) Both had brother in what we call the Biz.

ADVANTAGE: Minus 842 thousand for each. Seriously Nobody saw Farley's bro play Michael Moore in that Zanuck spoof but everybody's fine. And Jim Belushi has scourged the earth with his T.V. show that shall not be named (Some say J.K. Rowling stole that idea from that very show).

So after running the results for each, the question has finally been solved:

Horatio Sanz

Thank you All and oh, I almost forgot, I love you, Beth Cooper,

Machine

A Calculation: How hard did Dewey Cox actually walk?

Walking is defined as "an 'inverted pendulum' gait in which the body vaults over the stiff limb or limbs with each step". Now, the average pedestrian walks at 3.1 mph (or 5 km for you Euro deep-v wearers out there). "In walking the body "vaults" over the leg on the ground, raising the center of mass to its highest point as the leg passes the vertical, and dropping it to the lowest as the legs are spread apart. Essentially kinetic energy of forward motion is constantly being traded for a rise in potential energy."

Now let's examine how hard Dewey Cox walked, approximately. Obviously, he has walked harder than any human has ever before. Trust me, you're gonna want some of this shit.

Walking hard can be directly correlated to walking faster, as the higher the rate (or frequency) at which someone walks in a line, the higher the speed. Since Dewey is pretty much twice the man that anyone else is (because he had to be twice the man he was after he cut his brother in half), we can calculate the he walks approximately twice as fast as the average human.

Thus, 2 x 3.1 miles = 6.2 miles/hour. Therefore, Dewey walks at an average rate of 6.2 mph.

By the way, just in case you readers are cold out there in front of your computers, here are some blankets for you.

Random Thoughts with a Machine

Since today is the day that Sports Show with Norm Macdonald was cancelled, I will honor him by spouting any nonsense (about Movies or otherwise) that comes to my mind onto this blog. Enjoy!

• Was Nic Cage ever really a respected actor or was Bangkok Dangerous just a pure masterpiece we all didn't understand?
• Rob Schnieder: Great Actor or Greatest Actor of our Generation?
• I will see Zookeeper when Kevin James stops feeling depressed about having lost the hot chick from Ricky Bobby who banged him but left cause she thinks he's fat. Oh Wait....You are a fat pig. I'm happy Winona Ryder broke your heart in the Dilemma (like she did Captain Sparrow, Too Soon?). Win one for the average not fat but still chubby guy who can pick up some decent poon once in a while and be content with that!
• I'd do Julie Bowen over Sofia Vergara from Modern Family. Call me a family man who likes the wholesome chick. What's that, not a film reference. Well let's just say I beg the differ because I spend more time in the sand then David Hasselhoff. Shoooter!!!!
• Speaking of which, can we get Norm's long lost brother, Christopher a starring role in the long overdo movie, Happy Gilmore 2: The return of Shooter McGavin. Now thats a true classic!
• If you enjoyed Tree of Life then GET THE FUCK OFF THIS SITE NOW!
• Green Lantern was so good even Maggie Gyllenhaal can get off on it. Too Local?
• BTW Maggie's bro was great in Pleasantville. I mean Bubble Boy, my bad. God, they should really put Tobey and Jake in a movie together as brothers. :-o
• Who'd you rather: Kristen Wiig or Hilary Swank? Easy, Maya Rudolph

That's all for now as I'm getting too emotional over the loss of an American hero.

My thoughts and prayers are with you,

Machine

Guys Who Should be in more films: Rob Corddry

Here at Cinema Talk, we will be posting a series called "Guys Who should be in more films". Our inaugural post I will be championing the career of Rob Corddry, who is the star of perhaps my favorite Funny or Die ever, THE BRONER. Corddry first burst onto the cinema scene in his starring turn in "Old School", where he had exactly ZERO lines of dialogue. Through such hits as "Harold and Kumar 2" and "Hot Tub Time Machine" , Corrdry has displayed the comedic chops to do anything. Seriously, here's another clip to wet your beaks. Congress should institute a law declaring that Corddry be involved in every comedy ever for the rest of his life. By the time it would take to send crotch shots, you could already push this puppy through.

Seriously Hollywood, do the right thing and give this man a starring role!

Rating Scale

Hey all, just an FYI on my rating scale for these movies-

Here is the hierarchy on my scale (bottom to top):

Piece of Shit How Dare You
Eh, Ok
Classic
All Time Classic
Classic MacGruber
Greatest Movie Ever


*Note rating scale is subject to change

Welcome to the Greatest, most Fantastic (Mr. Fox), Incredible (Hulk - Not Ang Lee's) Blog of All Time

Hey y'all!

This is my blog, I am the Machine. My friend (or enemy? ala X-Men) is the Celery Trick. We will talk about movies or for you cineasts, cinema in an intellectually satisfying way. What I'm really trying to say is that if you enjoyed Macgruber, then this the place for you. So let's pound some cunth, enjoy some neapolitan ice cream cause it's delicious and bang a little bit about some films.

Till next time,

Go Fuck Yourself San Diego!

Faithfully yours,

Machine

Blake Lively, Oscar Contender?

Green Lantern... Where do I begin? Actually, that's a dumb rhetorical question. We clearly have to commence this review, nay this BLOG, with the superb bit of casting of Blake Lively as the shrewd, sharp, and sassy head of the most elite fighter jet company in the world. Lively really shines here, as she brilliantly executes the full spectrum of her acting acumen: she is the damsel in distress, she has sexual tension with Ryan Reynolds, and she constantly has the pouty look on her face because she knows that she needs to look hot at all times (which is especially crucial to her role as a fighter pilot/Fortune 500 executive). This is the type of performance that we all dreamed she would put together after she shot to fame in Accepted. After she was snubbed by the Oscar Committee for her convincing portrayal as a crack whore in The Town, I see the Academy correcting its wrongs here and at least nominating her for this performance (with a Golden Globe nom at the very least).

While the rest of the cast's performances don't quite match up to Lively's, the rest of the movie does offer a lot. You have giant green glowing (yay for alliteration!) aliens, green rings that form anything you want, and Angela Freaking Bassett. (Speaking of Angela Bassett, has anyone ever seen her and Alfre Woodard in the same place at the same time? They play the same exact roles. Just sayin...)

I would definitely recommend this flick to all you movie-goers out there. It is quite a (joy) ride.

Celery Trick Final Rating: CLASSIC!