Movie Review: Zookeeper

Here at Cinema Talk, we live for movies like Zookeeper. Why do I say that? Because we love movies with not even a trace of plot. We love movies that have no character development. We love movies that throw in big name actors just for the heck of it. We love it even more if those actors hide via voice-work of animals in order to feel less shame in accepting a paycheck for that film. And finally, we love Kevin James. Kevin James is one of those rare actors who can not only make us laugh, but he can consistently do it while outkicking his coverage with chicks on screen (Leah Remini, Allegra Cole, Winona Ryder, Maria Bello (all Grown Up), Jayma Mays (can I get a Paul Blart shoutout?), and even Adam Sandler). Now, Kevin James manages to pull a double whammy in his latest effort by pulling both Leslie Bibb AND Rosario "La La" Dawson. Maybe personality really does matter!

As for the movie itself, behind obviously an emotionally-gripping performance from James, other Standouts were Sly Stallone in a classic "I have to do what? ok fine, just make sure the paycheck doesn't bounce" role, and Nick Nolte as the emo-gorilla. Also, a nice supporting effort from TGI Friday's, who acted about as well as anyone else in the film.

We love you Kevin James! Keep churning em out buddy. First, a Mall Cop then a Zookeeper then what's next????? Fingers crossed for a Chinese Delivery Boy flick!!! Wooo-hooooo i can just see it now, co-starring Leslie Chow as the prick manager and Chow-Yun Fat as the old but wise store owner. Cinema Talk will bring you the exclusive sneak peak from the next Kevin James movie Chicken Wing or Egg Roll?

Where Are They Now?

With the Fall classic quickly approaching, I feel it is necessary to open up the video vault and relive the timeless and poignant film Summer Catch. Considered to be a cinematic masterpiece Summer Catch brought together every young and upcoming star it could find. The basis of the film revolves around the Cape Cod Summer Baseball League, and through thorough research from Cinema Talk we found out that these characters happen to have actual baseball careers. In this rags to riches tale some succeeded, most failed and Brian Dennehy managed his way out of baseball and acting in one fell swoop.

Ryan Dunne- The hometown hero who can best be described as hard throwing lefty who can bring the heat on and off the field. Originally Dunne was supposed to be the next big thing until one night of debauchery led to him being dealt a 'Full Weasely.' Dunne was able to conquer his demons at the Cape Cod Baseball League and landed himself a lucrative deal with Phillies. Following a successful stint in Philly that included have a sub 6 era, Dunne hit it big with a massive contract from the Washington Nationals. Unfortunately, Dunne's career did not have a happy ending. Dunne invested all of his money in the game 'Jump to Conclusions Mat,' quite possibly the worst idea I've ever heard. To cover his losses while he was still playing Dunne moonlighted as a street pharmacist, but due to the burden he had Dunne developed massive anxiety issues that became all to Willie Beamin like or maybe for the old timers he was 'McNowning' it. Currently Dunne's occupation can be described as drifter or is that Cade's job, I don't even know anymore.

Billy Brubaker- The catcher with the heart of gold and the swing of the seven year old. Known as 'Bru' he struggled with the switch to wood bats and never could get his stroke back. He never made it to the show and spent a career toiling in the minors. Upon dealing with this shame and realizing this aint no place for the weary kind Bru became a sexual deviant, spending his free time at the Playboy Mansion stealing Hef's and Timmy Couch's girlfriends, that resulted in a lifetime ban from the Mansion, or was that Mr. McNown.

Eric Van Leemer- Considered to be the real and only talent of Summer Catch Van Leemer had it all a hard throwing righty with a nasty slider, not to mention a flowing mane of bleach blonde tips. After a long holdout Van Leemer eventually signed with the Dodgers and was able to put together a few good seasons. All did not end well as Van Leemer failed MLB's Substance Abuse Policy (To Lambo for ya). He was also accused of being involved in a point shaving scandal, but then again that could have been Cade. There we have it three McNown references also known as the 'Turkey.' This is quite possibly the first and last time McNown has been referenced since 1999. Thanks for the memories Cade.

Your welcome.

Classic Movies: Cocktail

I miss the 80's. I miss everything about them from That 80's Show to Marvin Gaye being alive (then shot) speaking of which RIP to Phil Hartman, black Michael Jackson, white Michael Jackson, Annie Lennox's human body, Dana Carvey's career (though I hear he's actually been playing Tim Meadows now for 20 years because he a master of disguise.) to the Clippers glory years (How I long for you Benoit Benjamin). Being constructed myself in the 80's (screw you Jonathan Lipnicki, you little vampire) I felt it was necessary to pay homage to the decade by reviewing the classic, Cocktail. I also happen to be considered by some (Polar Bear?) to be an alcoholic so how tasty a treat for me to explore the inner workings of such a fine beverage.

Cast:

Tom Cruise: This was classic Tom before we thought he was gay even though he was in Top Gun and was (Rachel getting) married to Mimi Rogers. Oh wait, he sounds pretty straight to me back in the 80's. Unless you died from aids in Hollywood, you were all machismo back then but that's a story reserved for pillow talk (Too wrong?). He smiled, he wooed, he mixed some cocktails and of course ended with the girl somehow (though he met her in Caribbean as a bartender, knocked her up, cheated on her with a woman twice his age (DJ Enerate?) only to realize that he was just (about) a boy toy so he runs back to the girl, gets her and becomes a bartender again .... COCKTAIL!!!!). - spoiler alert! If you just read that last statement, I've ruined this movie for you like Nia Vardalos ruined life as well as sex and did I mention Tom Hanks' career. Now that's movie magic back when a blockbuster was 78 mil at the box office. 80's!!!!!

Elisabeth Shue: I had to go back to the future (part 2 or 3 - move over Claudia Wells) for this one and what I mean by that is some alone time in my bathroom for approximately 2 minutes to 1 hr 43 mins (Depends if I'm playing Sporcle or not). The only cocktail Cruise could handle when he saw her was the cocktail of love and boy, Oh boy, am I addicted to love (80's!!!!!!). Men everywhere went Tears for Fears for her in the 80's be it how she took the virginity of a 12 year old in The Karate Kid or how she taught the world how to babysit (Fuck you Christina Applegate or should I say Jim Gaffigan's dry hump lover). She has never done wrong be it earning Nic Cage an oscar or going Shakespeare in Hamlet 2 (Too Coogan?). Speaking of the devil (went down to Georgia), Nick Nolte once wasn't a crazy mad man who always needed a COCKTAIL!!!!, he was once actually a heartthrob. But don't ask me, ask Jaqueline Bissette's rock hard nips or was that statement too deep for you. Shue is such a tour de force that she placed her brother on Melrose Place instead of herself because Elisabeth never sells out her decade Heather. She's even 0 degrees of separation from Mr. Kevin (loves to show his penis, it's how he closed on Sedgwick) Bacon but you already knew that because your not that hollow, man.

Bryan Brown: He's Australian, recognizable, bones a gorgeous Kelly Lynch in the movie (though she was a (lady and the) tramp but it was the 80's baby, all goes), loses everything (classic 80's), and kills himself. Hasn't been heard from since. COCKTAIL!!!!

That's it for now, no links for a little because the Internet didn't exist back when this film was released. So make due, have a little fun, and sip on a COCKTAIL!!!!

Machine

Movie Review: Horrible Bosses

Horrible Bosses is a seductress. The film can be best described in the following analogy- Horrible Bosses is a hot stripper. Horrible Bosses (hereby referred to as Candy) catches your eye because of how hot she is (moreover, the all-star cast catches your eye). You go to the strip club (theater) because you saw Candy's picture (movie poster) on a taxi-cab or billboard. You then proceed to spot out Candy in the club after a few drinks and throwing a few ones down (after watching the trailers). Finally, you find Candy, ask her for a private dance and proceed to head to a backroom with her (the movie starts). You are so excited because of how hot she is and you are so eager for the song (opening credits) to kick in so that you can begin your dance (film). The dance proceeds to be awesome and you are loving it. The whole time you can't believe how fun it is and you just lose yourself in Candy's moves (the film's one-liners). After the dance is over, you are left blue-balled due to all of Candy's teasing (the film's plethora of jokes). Looking back, you feel a bit gross because of how raunchy it was, but in the end you thought it was so freaking cool and you can't wait to go back and do it all again.

Horrible Bosses is a great film, with lots of razzle and lots of dazzle. The cast is superb, headlined by Donald Sutherland's greatest performance since Animal House. Charlie Day and Jason Sudekis are standouts as well, as they go the distance and deliver stellar performances. Jennifer Aniston was great as playing someone other than Jennifer Aniston for a change. (By the way, didn't her dentist's office have a lot of space, or was it just me?) Kevin Spacey came through as usual, this time with his 7th best performance to date. The director was able to extract a virtuoso performance from Jason Bateman as well. Lastly, Colin Farrell was in the zone (also known as being in bruges).

In summation, Horrible Bosses gets a rating of: ALL TIME CLASSIC!

What Could've Been

Here at Cinema Talk we tend to always shine a light on the people who still have careers and are worth mentioning. It's necessary to look back and truly cherish a fallen star. The man had it all, fame fortune, a three part name. Simply put, he was magic. I'm of course referencing cinema legend and Banger Bros. favorite Casper Van Dien. With his "Butabi" charm and his Florida State education he was supposed to be a film icon. Van Dien bounced around the Soap world until he got his break in the 90s classic Starship Troopers playing the lead role Johnny Rico. Rico was described as a futuristic Tyler Durden only this time with a 20 pound python in his pants. Starship Troopers had everything from a star studded cast featuring Hollywood heavyweights Jake Busey, Denise Richards and NPH, to a unisex shower scene and football in the future. This was supposed to be Van Dien's launching pad and with Starship Troopers landing a visual effects nomination, the stars should have aligned.

Unfortunately this did not happen as Van Dien went to back to the television world being paired with the Meryl Streep of TV Yasmine Bleeth. Dien tried to land back in the film world but unfortunately all his scenes were cut out of Patrick Bateman's The Rules of Attraction, missing out on the opportunity to star alongside Jonathan Moxon. In 2008, a third installment of the beloved Starship Troopers franchise was rebooted and Van Dien reprised his role this time as General Johnny Rico. Sadly Van Dien has become a Hollywood nomad and has developed the nickname STV (Straight to Video). It's important to remember Van Dien as an actor's actor even though all of his films can be purchased at your local Office Depot or car wash.

Random Thoughts with a Machine 2

- I hate clubbing like a hate strip clubbing unless it's the Vegas strip. I wanna quit both but can't. I'm like the third Gyllenhaal sibling. I can't quit you, unless you overdose (Too soon or only for an Olsen twin?) which I doubt (like Amy Adams of The Office fame) a club can do. Maggie's still fighting the Skarsgard fight but how could she know he would turn out to be the bad guy in the third act? I hope I can stay away, I hope the Pacific is as blue as it is in my dreams, I hope.

- The penis game was created by me way before (500) Days of Summer stole it. You hear that Zooey, stay out of my dreams (Get into my car) or else, or else..., or else, time for my first quota shout out. :-(

- Saw Horrible Bosses, it was good, like Going the Distance good (Hot Pockets!!!) but not the Goods good. No Ving Rhames equals minus, but less Drew Barrymore post Firestarter (in her Lawry's prime ((Adam's) rib))) equals plus. So the movie gets a classic rating not all time great rating cause no Aniston boob shots (but a little birdie told me that she bares it all in her next film. Justin Theroux of Herbie (fully loaded) Hancock fame obviously liked the goods). If your selling a hard R then show me some tits. I now know why Brad left you.....because he saw Gia and Original Sin (City of Angels in the Outfield) though no one else did. How can the chick from Leprechaun be too high class for a boob shot when her claim to fame is a haircut. (From) Hell, I got more cleavage action from Phillip Seymour Hoffman in Along Came Polly though I'm not complaining. New law: If a R-rated comedy doesn't have the main female star baring it all, Heather Graham must be cast immediately. ... or Julianne Moore. Note to self, Barrymore is the only woman mentioned under 40. And who said old ladies were out work unless you look like Meg Ryan didn't make the cut (So Ruffalo)?

- Who'd you rather, Eleanor Roosevelt or Milton Berle in drag? Answer: FDR because he wouldn't move around much. :-0

- Watched Matrix Revolutions last night as well. I remember now why it was so poorly received. Note to the Wachowski Brothers pre the Chazz Bono debacle, maybe you shouldn't kill the two main characters. Just a thought. But I can't wait for the fourth installment! Speed Racer 2 anyone?

Davey Johnson blows as the Nats new manager. I'd rather have Don Johnson manage because he now makes that my third indirect stretch reference to Melanie Griffith that have much ado about nothing (Too Lovelace?). Now that's Shakespeare! Shake a spear, spear chucker! (Referring to Kit Ramsey line from Bowfinger. NOT RACIST)

And good night,

Machine

Transformers 3: But what about Chicago?

Where do I start with this giant mess of a third film stolen off a B side of a Pink Floyd album. Roger (Brian) Waters says run like hell but for the sake of a new post, I will dive head first into the carnage of Michael Bay's third installment about how to kill millions of lives as well as a city but save Shia his girlfriend because he'd really miss her if she was lost.

Cast:

Shia LeBeoff: Not to be confused with LaBeof from True Grit because that would be just too LaBeofy for Shia's liking and way too Ned Pepper but we've gone there already. The only rooster (too local Polar Bear?) he knows is the one Mel Gibson played in Chicken Run. That film I believe was about how kosher chickens were being slaughtered and Mel thought that was okay...right....cause he's a Nazi sympathizer. Too soon? Fine, Never again! Wallace and Gromit just threw up. Not as much as Tintin who rolled over like all Frenchman do cause he had to save his loser culture. USA!!! Which reminds, this is a review of Transformers 3. Let's not get off track like Kip Pardue. Shia really branched out this time by not just dating a hot chick for no reason except he's short and cast as the male lead, but dated a British hot chick. Nothing (but trouble - RIP Mr. Candy, Canadian (Bacon) icon) says America like Britain being America's Bitch and so you have it, Shia Lebeoff's best role since The Battle of Shaker Heights (Too William Sandler or too Project Greenlight? How I yearn for you Stolen Summer and Bonnie Hunt's sexual prowess over Steve Martin's penis). All one needs to know about his character is he's a messenger, not a postman. Oh, and he survived because you never kill the messenger unless when it's SPARTAAAAAAA!

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley: She's the new Megan Fox (Shut Up!) except she doesn't have the stigma of Jonah Hex on her rap sheet (oh, how that sill burns like Williem Dafoe's movies burn when they involve either Mississippi or Jason Patric). Here's my take, She's really hot, really smart, never gets dirty, and falls for Shia because Michael Bay said so. In a six hour movie of complete destruction and Frances McDormand butt shots (also burns but only after reading), there's only one kiss between the two lovers. Michael Bay must have of been sick that day because Rosie's his, all his I say!!!! His Precious! Did I mention Peter Jackson's involved in the Tintin movie even after that fruitcake, Tintin, bailed on us in WWII (Fruitcake means a cake made of fruit and nothing else). Rosie Huntington-Whitely is the best hyphenated name to come about since Ryan Nugent-Hopkins (half Ted Nugent, half Bernard Hopkins, all Amazing, it's the Doorman!!!) went first overall in the NHL draft to your Edmonton Oilers. Btw she can really act and what I really mean is she can't act at all.

Tyrese Gibson: He added nothing and I believe I didn't see a Ving Rhames naked butt shot, though I can't be certain.

Mr. Fergie: See Tyrese Gibson. After Win a Date with Tad Hamilton, I really thought he'd be the break out star, instead it was nobody from that picture (Gary Cole was already a star aka see (Spot Run) A Very Brady Sequel (Too Shelly Long or just long enough?)

John Malkovich: He wasn't dangerous (Liasons) in this movie but certainly red in the face. He brought some fresh (Con) air to a film lacking some punch except for the delicious performance given by a bowling child molester (Too Coen for ya cause I've already doubled my count? Where Art Thou now Joel and Ethan?). He was able overcame the stigma of Jonah Hex by playing himself. In this movie however, he did something I thought he did once before, go full retard. Who knew that Lenny was somewhat normal. Damn you Gary Sinise, damn you to hell you impostor! Nobody puts baby in a corner, not even for a ransom (So Swayze) even if it targets a Jew hater. Actually I rescind that statement, good for you, Mr. Sinise. I made 10 movie refs not involving Transformers with no hyperlinks. Figure it out yourself or keep the change you filthy animal. 11!!!!

Steve the Pirate and Dr. Ken Jeong: Pirate Steve gave a virtuoso performance as a man named Dutch who goes method with a strong accent only to break from it randomly for no reason whatsoever. His character is never explained or understood but some how steals every scene in which he's located. Kenny on the other hand actually didn't make sense at all. He was like Jackie Chan and the audience was like Chris Tucker pre "I hate acting so I quit" but post Jackie Brown aka Larry Crowne aka Rob Riggle's man boobs (respect the man boobs). Ken Jeong spoke nonsense until he was killed by a flying robot whithhout one shot of his penis. This is when I realized I was not in Hangover 2 but Knocked Up, what a role model.

Patrick Dempsey: Spoiler alert, McDreamy looked fat....and was also the bad guy. Character not needed but what dreamy (angel) eyes.

Anthony Anderson: Not in this movie. Why not?

Chicago: It was destroyed, millions died, and nobody cared. I literally watched people's heads explode in a kid's film. I thought Cary Elwes was going to show up like he did in Saw. First I think Robin Hood: Men in Tights, and then BAM! guy's cutting his leg off and Danny Glover is dead. I hate you Mel Gibson!!!!! Apparently Los Angeles was taken because it was still recovering form Hancock and the Rodney King riots. New York was taken after Cloverfield effed shit up. Washington D.C. has never been the same since Bill Pullman was in office. Seattle was a no because it's been sleepless way too long. So Chicago was the next obvious choice to be leveled to the ground. The film was actually shot in Detroit (I actually don't know) because it was the perfect location to display a city already destroyed and ravaged with poverty, death, and the smell of a dirty Randy porn shoot or is that Dirty Mike and the boys. Good for you Detroit.

The movie will make a billion dollars, Michael Bay will bang a billion more chicks and children around the world will go to bed orphaned, starving, and possibly HIV positive. Happy 4th of July America!

Machine

Greatest Coach Ever

The debate over who is the best coach in movie history has long been discussed at Cinema Talk. The obvious list of candidates would consist of Major Leagues finest Lou Brown (Fuck you Scott Bakula), Patches O’Houlihan of Dodgeball, Coach Kimball of Celtic Pride Soccer legend Phil Weston and of course the erratic yet reliable Tony D’Amato who managed to coach Steamin Willie Beamen to a 4-1 record and chance to win the Pantheon Cup. All of these are valid choices but fall short to our unanimous choice who is none another than Coach Gordon Bombay from the Mighty Duck trilogy. The greatest trilogy of all time (Again Fuck you Scott Bakula). Bombay fits the criteria to be number one on our list for being a crossover success, destroying the game of hockey while enhancing it at the same time and having the greatest nickname ever ‘The Minnesota Miracle Man.’

We first meet Bombay as a hotshot Minneapolis lawyer who is primarily concerned with snapping necks and cashing checks. His brash demeanor has earned him as many detractors as followers. After one long night of debauchery Bombay gets arrested for drunk driving and the aftermath is rather a fistful of glory. Bombay is assigned to coach a Peewee hockey team. Initially he is haunted by his past as Bombay was most remembered for costing his team a shot at the District 5 title as youngster. With the help of his wise yet unstable mentor, Hans, Bombay is able to rally Charlie Conway and the Ducks to glory. What makes Bombay in a league of his own is will to win at all costs and this is represented in Bombay stealing the star player from the Hawks and making him play for the Ducks. Simply put Classic Bombay. The Miracle Man proved that getting wasted and possibly having a slight case of autism (Machine) can in the end lead to victory.

What Separates Bombay from the rest of the coaching greats is his performance in ‘D2.’ After having success with the original Ducks, Bombay is asked to coached the U.S. for the Junior Goodwill Games. Instead of relying upon his old roster Bombay retools and reloads by adding five new players: Dean Portman, the Texas two-step Dwayne Robertson, Julie ‘The Cat’ Gaffney, Luis Mendoza, Russ Tyler and Cinema Talk favorite Wu Wu Wu Kenny Wu. At the same time Bombay has embraced the Southern California lifestyle with slicked-backed hair and hanging out with Hollywood Heavyweights such as Kareem Abdul Jabbar. The first sense of adversity Bombay faces is when his team gets blown out by Iceland (Spelled Island in the movie) and to quote states his team is playing like a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off. Instead of looking at film to correct mistakes the sly Bombay uses his animalistic charm to seduce Iceland’s trainer in further hopes of winning the Goodwill Games. As it worked out Bombay’s raw sexual magnetism worked to his favor as the U.S. or should I say Ducks claimed the Gold. There was so much wrong with this movie first being that the entire country of Canada not wanting any part of it, Wayne Gretzky speaking to the U.S. team and having a cowboy play hockey. None of this mattered as this movie brought to the masses the bash brothers, the knuckle puck and of course the greatest hockey play ever the Flying V.

The third film is where many detractors would say that Bombay is not the greatest coach ever. Even though he was not the head coach Bombay took on more of a front office role as helping the Ducks land at prestigious Eden Hall Preparatory School. The rumored excuse as to why Bombay was not around was that Emilio was looking to launch the sequel to early 90s classic Men at Work. Bombay was able to work his magic one more time when he got Dean Portman enrolled at this last minute to face the Varsity Squad and eventually beat them. Bombay may have killed any credibility that went with the game of Hockey and was the final straw in the 2004 lockout but none of this matters when you are ‘The Minnesota Miracle Man.’ Quack, Quack, Quack.