Ronimal!!!!

Ok folks, this is Machine (sigh) and I have some breaking news!!!!! We have added a new member to the group so now I guess the Banger Bros. makes three's company. The celery trick was adamant that the Ronimal (who does a pretty good convincing Omar from the HBO show, The Wire) be added. I think this occurred because, pardon my french, the Celery Trick had a celery stick stuck up his ass. I haven't felt this scorned since Primo took Bobby Rayburn's number and I had to take things into my hands. Too obsure or too Barkin? Answer: too Leguizamo! But I had to make a decision, add Ronimal or lose a friend in the Celery Trick. It was the toughest choice since Sophie had to choose in the early 1940's . I hope this time around, the right choice was made. Too soon? No, just right.

Machine

Actor Spotlight: Ben Stiller

Ben Stiller, what a fine actor. But his career has been a sort of a mystery, man. After he shot to fame in the mid 90's with his starring turn in Happy Gilmore, Stiller had a huge, heavy weight lifted off his shoulder. He was finally a leading man. But, then reality bit. Stiller didn't catch a break until 1998, but that was merely because critics loved something about his costar. Now, she was MAGELLIN! During this time, his tv show was moved time-slots and into the midnight slot permanently. Meanwhile, in his personal life, Stiller was able to keep up with his faith and was a devoted family man to his family the Tenenbaums (Stiller is a stage name). In addition, he spent a lot of time on his farm home, where he tended to the animals.

Some personal tidbits on Stiller: he loved orange mocha frappuccinos, was good pals with Billy Zane (who's a good dude btw), befriended local tribesmen on a charitable mission in Madagascar (he did it too), and resided in Orange County (too local?). He moved into a duplex in New York City, where he had an envious neighbor (the J-MAN!!) who was into some sort of voodoo rain dance. Trust me, he did it!

Focusing back on Stiller's eclectic career, Stiller decided to take a break from the whole "acting" thang and went to work at a museum (he did it too), until the POLICIA! came and escorted him out. It's really a wonder he never went to prison. I'll tell you what I want, what I really wanted from Stiller at this point in his career, which was for Scorcher 7.

Now, Stiller has reclaimed his status as one of the elite actors in Hollywood after his courageous turn in his personal project film on arctic exploration and how lush green grass could grow on icebergs in frigid temperature, titled "Greenberg".

Hope you enjoyed this behind-the-scenes investigative report, that is all for now....

But seriously... why male models?????

Chris Farley or John Belushi?

This has to be at least one of the top 13 questions of all-time with:

- What does Nic Cage know that we all don't?

- How long has Brendan Fraser worn a hair piece?

- Did that little boy in Searching for Bobby Fischer ever find Bobby Fischer?

- How does Carl Everett know dinosaurs never existed?

- How come Jesse James cheated on America's Sweetheart, Sandra Bullock? Oh wait, I think it's because she married a tattooed trailer trash bike maker. waaah waaah I feel soooooo bad for you.....NOT! and God you were annoying in Speed. No wonder Jack left you before Speed 2: Cruise Control. Too Dafoe?

-Etc, Etc, Etc...

Back to my main point, the Belushi-Farley debate!

Lets look at the comparisons:

1) Both owned on SNL during the glory periods of the franchise unless you really enjoyed Joe Piscopo and his fine years in the 80's.

ADVANTAGE: Farley - though Belushi was an original, even he can't ever be better then a naked fat man dancing. That's Gold Jerry, Gold!

2) Both had great short movie careers such as classics like 1941 for Belushi and Almost Heroes for Farley.

ADVANTAGE: Belushi cause he's a zit! Get it! Booooom!

3) Both were fat

ADVANTAGE: Cholesterol

4) Both died young.

ADVANTAGE: River Phoenix

5) Both had brother in what we call the Biz.

ADVANTAGE: Minus 842 thousand for each. Seriously Nobody saw Farley's bro play Michael Moore in that Zanuck spoof but everybody's fine. And Jim Belushi has scourged the earth with his T.V. show that shall not be named (Some say J.K. Rowling stole that idea from that very show).

So after running the results for each, the question has finally been solved:

Horatio Sanz

Thank you All and oh, I almost forgot, I love you, Beth Cooper,

Machine

A Calculation: How hard did Dewey Cox actually walk?

Walking is defined as "an 'inverted pendulum' gait in which the body vaults over the stiff limb or limbs with each step". Now, the average pedestrian walks at 3.1 mph (or 5 km for you Euro deep-v wearers out there). "In walking the body "vaults" over the leg on the ground, raising the center of mass to its highest point as the leg passes the vertical, and dropping it to the lowest as the legs are spread apart. Essentially kinetic energy of forward motion is constantly being traded for a rise in potential energy."

Now let's examine how hard Dewey Cox walked, approximately. Obviously, he has walked harder than any human has ever before. Trust me, you're gonna want some of this shit.

Walking hard can be directly correlated to walking faster, as the higher the rate (or frequency) at which someone walks in a line, the higher the speed. Since Dewey is pretty much twice the man that anyone else is (because he had to be twice the man he was after he cut his brother in half), we can calculate the he walks approximately twice as fast as the average human.

Thus, 2 x 3.1 miles = 6.2 miles/hour. Therefore, Dewey walks at an average rate of 6.2 mph.

By the way, just in case you readers are cold out there in front of your computers, here are some blankets for you.

Random Thoughts with a Machine

Since today is the day that Sports Show with Norm Macdonald was cancelled, I will honor him by spouting any nonsense (about Movies or otherwise) that comes to my mind onto this blog. Enjoy!

• Was Nic Cage ever really a respected actor or was Bangkok Dangerous just a pure masterpiece we all didn't understand?
• Rob Schnieder: Great Actor or Greatest Actor of our Generation?
• I will see Zookeeper when Kevin James stops feeling depressed about having lost the hot chick from Ricky Bobby who banged him but left cause she thinks he's fat. Oh Wait....You are a fat pig. I'm happy Winona Ryder broke your heart in the Dilemma (like she did Captain Sparrow, Too Soon?). Win one for the average not fat but still chubby guy who can pick up some decent poon once in a while and be content with that!
• I'd do Julie Bowen over Sofia Vergara from Modern Family. Call me a family man who likes the wholesome chick. What's that, not a film reference. Well let's just say I beg the differ because I spend more time in the sand then David Hasselhoff. Shoooter!!!!
• Speaking of which, can we get Norm's long lost brother, Christopher a starring role in the long overdo movie, Happy Gilmore 2: The return of Shooter McGavin. Now thats a true classic!
• If you enjoyed Tree of Life then GET THE FUCK OFF THIS SITE NOW!
• Green Lantern was so good even Maggie Gyllenhaal can get off on it. Too Local?
• BTW Maggie's bro was great in Pleasantville. I mean Bubble Boy, my bad. God, they should really put Tobey and Jake in a movie together as brothers. :-o
• Who'd you rather: Kristen Wiig or Hilary Swank? Easy, Maya Rudolph

That's all for now as I'm getting too emotional over the loss of an American hero.

My thoughts and prayers are with you,

Machine

Guys Who Should be in more films: Rob Corddry

Here at Cinema Talk, we will be posting a series called "Guys Who should be in more films". Our inaugural post I will be championing the career of Rob Corddry, who is the star of perhaps my favorite Funny or Die ever, THE BRONER. Corddry first burst onto the cinema scene in his starring turn in "Old School", where he had exactly ZERO lines of dialogue. Through such hits as "Harold and Kumar 2" and "Hot Tub Time Machine" , Corrdry has displayed the comedic chops to do anything. Seriously, here's another clip to wet your beaks. Congress should institute a law declaring that Corddry be involved in every comedy ever for the rest of his life. By the time it would take to send crotch shots, you could already push this puppy through.

Seriously Hollywood, do the right thing and give this man a starring role!

Rating Scale

Hey all, just an FYI on my rating scale for these movies-

Here is the hierarchy on my scale (bottom to top):

Piece of Shit How Dare You
Eh, Ok
Classic
All Time Classic
Classic MacGruber
Greatest Movie Ever


*Note rating scale is subject to change