The One, The Only, The Paci...Oooooohaaaa!

Welcome bac...Ooooohaaaaa! It's been a whil....Oooooohaaaaa! Ok, ok, enough fun with the Dunkacino back in his "Post glory (without black actors) borderlining on crazy Pacino-still love him though cause he makes classics even if he mostly screams his lines - give me a fuckin Oscar" faze. Today I will go through the many fazes of Mr. Al Pacino's brilliant career.

I break it down into 5 fazes (in Tony Montana voice) -

1) "Glory Years AKA I'm a fuckin stud even when I play a narc, a gay dude, and a motha fuckin brother killer" (Is Gollum the modern day Freido? "It should have been mine, my precious! I'm the older hobbit, I can do things like live in a cave and shit. I'm not an idiot like Samwise Gangee claims. It was mine, mt precious.") Faze

2) "I make 1 movie every fuckin 3 years cause I'm Al MothaFuckin Pacino and if Art Carney can rob an Oscar from me then fuck you and your sister" faze

3) "Post Glory, I'm mother fuckin borderlining on crazy Pacino but you still love me cause I don't break my balls for nobody. Now give me a fuckin Oscar" Faze

4) "I've lost my fuckin mind" Faze

5) "I'm Tony Mothafuckin Montana, Say hello to my little Dunkacino, Oh wait, I've fuckin lost my mind but still every time you get away, I bring you back in" Faze

1) Al Pacino was the coolest guy anywhere, cooler then Bobby D. (who also has his "lost his fuckin mind" faze. Rocky and Bullwinkle anyone?). From 1972-1983, Al Pacino ruled Hollywood. The guy played 4, 4!!!!! iconic characters in 5 movies while making another 2 very solid films (Thank you Jeffrey Tambor) to (puss in) boot(s). Oh, what's that? Cruising? I'm sorry I think your thinking of De Niro in Stardust. Honest mistake. But it is odd that Pac(hes O'houlihan)ino did play two gay like dudes when being a gay like dude was still not cool. Unless your Pacino and you made it cool. Attica! Attica! He was soooo money. If you take cool guys from that period, Pacino murders them with his little friend that somehow ruined Beverly D'Angelo, Oh how I miss you old school (Your my boy blue) D'Angelo. From boobs in hair to Lampoon's Vacation and still keeping it strong in Summer Catch (Thank heavens that Mathew Willard made a comeback that wasn't cancelled on Showtime) but then she went full Pacino. And this was Faze 4 Pacino which is scary as fuck like 88 minutes scary as fuck. She was 80's Julianne Moore, the hotter Glen Close, the less talented Maggie Smith. John Travolta had 3 iconic roles, not 5. He also loses a point for Stayin Alive. Frank Stallone actually ruined a movie that was already ruined in his 3 minutes of screen time. If I want to watch a talentless brother have sex with a musical instrument, I have 2, the Sklar Brothers. Too Cheap? Plus in one movie he idolizes Pacino with da beard ala Serpico. De Niro had 4 iconic performances but in only 4 movies. Close(r - Natalie Portman is a goddess) but no cigar (which could be used on Portman in Closer. Too graphic?). That's it. Pacino wins. Women are less equal to men to begin with so no argument can be made for them so Dunkacino wins by knockout.

2) to be continued - very soon like sooner then they can release another horrible journey film. What will the next one be, Jour (french for day) short for journey. I've already seen two of these and the Hunger Games, and besides Brendan Fraser's hair plugs, I can honestly say The kids are not alright except when Julianne Moore shows boobs which is every movie (classic Moore). Speaking of French, love Cirque du Freak except for the kid Hutcherson. Wait, Did I just Moore it up with a sprinkle of Reed Rothchild? I did.....NEW BLOG ENTRY EVERYONE!!!!!

Is Pearl Harbor our generation's Deer Hunter?

The answer is Yes......and all the good people know it even if it takes a roundabout way to admit it including those who are owner's of a lonely heart. I'm looking at you Davey Jones ala The Monkees. God, I liked myself better when I was a daydream believer but things (turn and face the strange) change like my age and my innocence or simply put my age of innocence Scorcese (so that's why your now directing family fair like Hugo: The story of Weaving's childhood). I use to care, I used to want you to want me but instead now I surrender because I guess (who) I feel cheap like a trick has been played on me. I've been tarnished like an American Woman of our day. It used to be "I am sixteen, going on (edge of) seventeen!" and I'll have that with "some of my favorite things." But now it's sixteen going on pregnant and no one wants to talk or feel or dance. That's maybe what I miss most about us, I liked the way danced. You pretend things change for the good but we never leave the chain gang. Don't get me wrong, I want to stand by you but like I already said, I'd then be a pretender and I want more. Maybe that's why I myself am an owner of a lonely heart. I'm nostalgic for a time and place that I never knew but yearn for. An era that probably was all to much the same as now. Yet I till wonder why I take the higher ground. Not to girl interupt(ed) but half this (no) country (for old men) is clinically depressed so why's the other half so (don't worry, be) happy? Ignorance? and like I began, the answer my friend is (blowin' in the wind)...Yes, that is correct Blondie. You just have to take the good, the bad and the ugly and deal or no deal with it otherwise your dead again ala Lovelace. When life throws you lemons, make lemonade even with a heart of ("they me Mr. (Tibbs)) glass. That brings me to my main point...Pearl Harbor is our generation's Deer Hunter and you can God Bless America for that.

(to be continued)

Bucky Larson:Born to be an Oscar Winner?

Hello folks, I'm back like Brian Mcaffrey was back for his brother because when your brother is in trouble, sometimes you just have to look into the fire and scream, "I'm going for the hose!" Anyways, my brother in arms, the celery trick, has left me despite my best efforts. Hopefully, as I grab the hose, he will atleast due me the solid of exclaming, "That's my brother Goddammit!" In other words, though I disapear a lot, neglect this blog, and am a completely selfish self centered attention whore, I will always be back because that's what firends are for, that and benefits. I feel like I'm the other (Boleyn) girl in that new movie "3" (not to be confused with the Dale Earnhardt movie because been there, done that, Pepper!), you know, the girl (as well as movie) you never saw because everyone's too busy three waying it that they never (ever say never - McGruber) stop to say, "hey, maybe we should make this a swingers party and add a fourth" and I'd gladly go Pettyffer and be like "I am number 4." But noooo, no invitation for moi because I'm still too Favreau. Maybe that's why he's off too New York, maybe he can't handle my love (actually, definately, maybe) becuase I've become James Gandolfini ala The Mexican. I'm a fat sweaty, hairy, ugly gay (not actually gay Kate) man that's insecure because I'm a fat sweaty, hairy, ugly gay (Once again no, not that there's anything wrong with it) man who nobody can love (Can't buy me love Lover Boy? Too Dempsey). But don't worry (Julie and) Julia, I won't kill you becuase in the end of the day, Polar Bear is gonna ask for me to let go Bull. But YOU GO, WE GO. Who's your brother (now) Brian? cue the flatline(rs) becuase nothing screams sexy like Oliver Platt (see The Three Musketeers or any Oliver Platt movie). Back to my main point for this article, Bucky Larson is the film of the year and this is why....

Nick Swardson: Move over Zac Efron because we have a new sheriff in town and his name is BONG! What's his name? Oh ya, He's a ni..BONG! I kid around ala Mikael Richards on a bad day, maybe one day (Anne Hathaway will go away) Mr. Richards will have his good day or for Russell Crowe's sake, a good year. But no, I digress as Leslie Nielsen would stop me and remind all, "no, the worse." RIP you crazy canuck who gave us such classics as Mr. Magoo and Men with Brooms (curling equivalent to Schindler's list). Swardson goes method as he often does and pulls off a performance of a life time for an actor who should never (say never - Justin Bieber) had been (unfor)given the chance to star in a movie in the first place because he has limited talent (except for being amazing). The last time we saw Nick, he was the lead in the Dolph Lundgren Docudrama Just Go With It: How Stallone Raped Dolph in the Pooper. I haven't been so horrified (aroused) by a performance since Michael Douglas dido'd (Still can Swayze it) that shit on Jeanne Tripplehorn. Wow, she's never recovered considering the men (who stare at goats) she's been with since (A man with webbed feet, a polygamist, and Bill Paxton, confused? So's Harry Dean Stanton since he hit senior citizenship back in 1963. Maybe what we have here is a failure to communicate.). Swardson sadly was not nominated for this virtuoso performance but with Bucky, he's a shoe in.

Christina Ricci: I thought she hit her (Dante's) peak in The Addams Family but I was wrong after seeing Casper. She left acting only to return with much vigor in Pecker. Little did we know, this film was only made in an attempt to prolong Edward Furlong's career into a 16th minute (Even Ed Burns knows you only get 15 minutes). Mr. Furlong, please follow your destiny (see River Phoenix, too wrong?). I Somehow how watched all of Black Snake Moan while only actually watching exactly 4 mins 52 seconds. If you can't understand then you probably also missed my Basic Instinct ref earlier in the article. But let's continue because I don't have the time for a total recall (BOOOM!). In Bucky, Ricci plays it straight as a women who's dream is to become a waitress. It's sad how she suffers kind of like Kevin Nealon's career since....well, since.....Fuck it, Kevin Nealon never really had a career so let's say birth (of a nation - cue the Michael Richards comment). Wait, now that I think of it, Ricci actually hit her sexual peak in Mermaids or was that Cher in her 60's. Moral of the story is Winoma Ryder was once that it girl all girls could aspire to be (not hot but worth a lay and a conversation) but now she looks terrible. What happened? Or was that Cher in Burlesque? Anyways, can we bring Bob Hoskins back into popular culture. No man has ever effected little boys lives (excluding Michael Jackson) more then Bob Hoskins. He was Super Mario, Smee (Hook is criminally underrated, seriously!!!!) and the pumpkin from Nightmare Before Christmas. I need this man back in my life maybe more then I need a girlfriend in my life.....I'll take the girlfriend on second thought.

Stephen Dorff: Let's keep it short, he played a character named Dick Shadow who apparently has the best taint and claims that, "Nothing grows in my cock shade, nothing!!!" All this actually occurred in the movie. Unfortunately I was unaware that Dorff was in this movie until the second half (baked) because I thought I was watching Brad Renfro. Then I realized Renfro went River on us, God damn you Furlong . This paragraph was almost shorter then Stephen Dorff's career potential.

Christopher Mcdonald: The real winner of the film. He went Wesley Snipes (Dorff connection) ala To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar as he was almost unrecognizable as Bucky Larson's penis. Everyone, we have our best actor at the Oscars! (Once again I can neither confirm nor deny Mr. Mcdonald's participation in this film due to the fact he was not credited (Like fuckin Gary Oldman) and is possibly dead from being to good at his craft (with a young Robin Tunney).

Bucky Larson was a star, a big bright shining star. That's right. You can all re-zip your pants now including you Dirk (Nowitzki) Diggler.

Goodnight, rest time for Machine. Need to recharge.

P.S. Heather Graham or Julianne Moore? Greatest debate our generation. What what Luis Guzman say? Probably "Step away from that ledge my friend." Yes, man, yes.

Say It Isn't So

Very rarely does the viewing public get a chance to witness a once in a generation talent. With his Midwestern roots and TCU education, it seemed only appropriate to anoint him as the new Sheriff of Hollywood. Were talking about none another than screen legend Chris Klein. Never mind the fact that Chris consistently showed the same blank stare in every film or that he came from Omaha. Truth of matter is that he's an 'actors, actor' similar to when Bobby Schneider graced us with his starring and directing role in the art house film Big Stan. A cinematic adventure that tickled us in all the right places. We'll deal with Bobby another time and return to focusing on cinematic God Chris Klein.

Klein got his start in Election, but that's to decent of a movie for this site to comment on. Really Chris got his breakout role in American Pie as Chris 'Oz' Ostreicher brilliantly playing a member of the lacrosse team who was a bit more sensitive than the normal jock. But what made this role stand out was Klein's brilliant use of his animalistic charm as he often referred to him as 'Nova' 'Casanova' and also his ability to tell any woman to and quote "Suck him beautiful." Eventually 'Oz' put his Big Dick Playa days behind him and settled down with Mena Suvari and finally someone was able to uncover the mysteries of Pittsburgh.

With all this good fortune Chris had finally landed a lead role in Say It Isn't So. A cutting edge comedy with some of Hollywood's biggest hitters including Richard Jenkins, although he may have just been visiting, Dig McCaffrey, and Julianne Moore's better half Heather Graham. However all of this didn't equate to box office success as the film bombed, but Klein got another chance as the lead in Rollerball. A film that did the 'Halle Berry' meaning that it did not go straight to DVD but rather straight to video. Unfortunately Chris could not rebound from this and through these failures he has been arrested twice for DUIs. During the second of these arrest Chris was asked if he was suicidal, and another direct quote from him "If I wanted to kill myself I'd fucking kill myself I'd be awesome at it, Shotgun to the dick."

Settle Down El Paso.

Great films I've never seen (but should I?)

Hello everybody, It's me, Dr. Nick Riviera........... No just kidding, It's actually Machine back again to spout more nonsense onto the world as it slowly tumbles into a descent of darkness only to be never seen from again. Or is that just the premise of Sactum (I don't know, nobody does cause nobody saw it James Cameron aka Mr. Kathryn (Deuce (Mcallister)) Bigelow)? Which leads me to my next (grosse) point (blank), please don't make Avatar 2, 3, or deep space 9 cause when I look In Your Eyes, James, I only see madness. You can't say make or say anything. Your head needs to be examined by a Sledgehammer down by Solsbury Hill (Three-Peat! TM that Pat Riley). This is obviously all just bible talk both from Job and GENESIS! Boom! That was fun as will the rest of this column but not before this important announcement:

"I sincerely apologise for forgetting (Sarah Marshall) my duties to this blog as I have recently been severly compromised my best friend. I thought we were Drake and Josh, Penn and Teller, Harold and Kumar, or Lilo and Stitch. I was wrong. Though I was the (Joey) fat one, he loved the Wackness and the separation began. What can I say, he was born to be a modern day Mary Tyler Moore aka Caroline in the City. He understands the nuances of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle 2: The Secret of the Ooze, whereas I could only wrap my mind around the cartoon. Isn't it obvious?!!! I put my baby in a corner and now my baby's running off to NYC like he was James in James and the Giant Peach. Due to this, I've been unable to write or do anything for that matter but now I'm back and reformed to be a better (more unselfish, caring, non-emo hipster) machine. This will never happen again, I 100 percent guarentee it unless it happens again due to my laziness. I'm like Kate Winslet in Titanic where she goes "I'll never let you go Jack" and then she let's go. CAMERONNNNNN!"

Now for fun. Yaaaaaa!!! Today's return (of the Jedi) column is about the great movies I've never seen before but still are great considering nobody saw them except critics who hated them worse then Amy Winehouse hated a sober day (Too soon?). And if your thinking what I'm thinking then yes, I have seen both I Know Who Killed Me (Classic! Killied me with lauhgter) and Stuart Saves his Family (Double Classic! Never has Al Franken screamed sexy more then in this which still equals less then zero Jami Gertz). A film I have never seen but bear mentioning in this column is the one and only:

Charlie St. Cloud

A movie so great, I gave it a standing ovation when first seeing the preview in theaters only to not go when it came out. The movie has everything. A title which makes you wonder, a possible spinoff of Boondock Saints, in an attempt to catch some of the buzz generated from the sequel, Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day. A cast so eclectic it was confused as a radio station one might play at an underground coffee house.

Zac Efron: Great actor or greatest actor of our generation? He's in the running with the likes of Rob Schnieder, Willem Dafoe, and Howard the Duck. Speaking of which, I have never seen Howard the Duck but I know Lea Thompson has if you know what I mean. Never has beastiality felt so wrong but yet so good kind of like a Alex Pettyfer film :-0. Btw Pettyfer, Efron's been there, done that, gorgeous and the carpet does match the drapes. Many say Howard the Duck was simply Coppola's follow up to Apocalypse Now because after an apocalypse, ducks probably do fuck hot chicks named Caroline in the City (Full circle once again). Why Polar Bear, Whyyyyyyyy? The horror, the horror. Efron showed the same range he showed as Link (Yahoo) in Hairspray. Fortunately, nobody out Marsden's a James Marsden, peasent. The guy freakin killed Honest Abe fore Pete's (Dragon) sake and what great cheek structure he had as well. Cool story Hansel. The only person who can out Marsden Marsden is BARRY PEPPER becuase it is man law, nobody out pepper's a pepper. Just look at another great film I never saw, Battlefield Earth. Why did it fail? Not because it was terrible but because it was obvious to all that Pepper was going to beat Travolta due to his power as the Pepper. Travolta wants a faceoff, Pepper gives him a Pepper. Travolta holds the general's daughter hostage, Pepper steals her with some Pepper. Travolta is barely Stayin' Alive and Pepper finishes him with some Pepper. And that's Jenga. So predictable. Barry Pepper obviously created Scientology so he could rule the world. Also Forest Whitaker was miscast.

Kim Basinger: Already wanked off atleast once since writing her name. Even at 72, she still is a (Nelie) fox. She has a Post-Fisher Stevens Michelle Pfieffer appeal with a pre Fisher Stevens Michelle Pfeiffer mystique. Except for those bruises under her eye from the third lightest yet still plump Baldwin (Thank God for Billy who still takes down single white females :-0 Too obscure?). Doesn't he know she's a working girl or does she dump him in the end after all for Harrison Ford?

Ray Liotta: He's the best. He bats righty though Shoeless Joe bats lefty, rats on the mob, sleeps with Whoopie Goldberg (but so did Ted Danson ala black face) and steals honey from the bees but we all still love him. You keep doing it Ray even if thats stealing Mark Grace's wife at a baseball game in which mark was playing in. No, no, yes, now that's jenga.

Christopher Mcdonald: He was wonderful. (I can neither confirm nor deny that Mr. Mcdonald was even in this film let alone still alive)

Let's not forget about the most important part of Charlie St. Cloud, the premise. Because when young man faces the dilemma of either yachting around the globe with a chick who wants to bang him or play baseball with his imaginary brother in a forest then, well....that's just too tough a decision for one machine to make. It something I feel we face in Parenthood and now I only need one more Ron Howard ref to make it a triumvirate (The Backdraft ref was way too obscure to even count). Fuck it, Charlie, choose the chick on the yacht, I can ensure only happy days for you. Booya, just Ruth'd it!

Okay, that's all. I need to recharge myself for the next time. Hope you enjoyed and if you didn't well I know who you are because only 7 people read this shit anyways.

Machine

Movie Review: Zookeeper

Here at Cinema Talk, we live for movies like Zookeeper. Why do I say that? Because we love movies with not even a trace of plot. We love movies that have no character development. We love movies that throw in big name actors just for the heck of it. We love it even more if those actors hide via voice-work of animals in order to feel less shame in accepting a paycheck for that film. And finally, we love Kevin James. Kevin James is one of those rare actors who can not only make us laugh, but he can consistently do it while outkicking his coverage with chicks on screen (Leah Remini, Allegra Cole, Winona Ryder, Maria Bello (all Grown Up), Jayma Mays (can I get a Paul Blart shoutout?), and even Adam Sandler). Now, Kevin James manages to pull a double whammy in his latest effort by pulling both Leslie Bibb AND Rosario "La La" Dawson. Maybe personality really does matter!

As for the movie itself, behind obviously an emotionally-gripping performance from James, other Standouts were Sly Stallone in a classic "I have to do what? ok fine, just make sure the paycheck doesn't bounce" role, and Nick Nolte as the emo-gorilla. Also, a nice supporting effort from TGI Friday's, who acted about as well as anyone else in the film.

We love you Kevin James! Keep churning em out buddy. First, a Mall Cop then a Zookeeper then what's next????? Fingers crossed for a Chinese Delivery Boy flick!!! Wooo-hooooo i can just see it now, co-starring Leslie Chow as the prick manager and Chow-Yun Fat as the old but wise store owner. Cinema Talk will bring you the exclusive sneak peak from the next Kevin James movie Chicken Wing or Egg Roll?

Where Are They Now?

With the Fall classic quickly approaching, I feel it is necessary to open up the video vault and relive the timeless and poignant film Summer Catch. Considered to be a cinematic masterpiece Summer Catch brought together every young and upcoming star it could find. The basis of the film revolves around the Cape Cod Summer Baseball League, and through thorough research from Cinema Talk we found out that these characters happen to have actual baseball careers. In this rags to riches tale some succeeded, most failed and Brian Dennehy managed his way out of baseball and acting in one fell swoop.

Ryan Dunne- The hometown hero who can best be described as hard throwing lefty who can bring the heat on and off the field. Originally Dunne was supposed to be the next big thing until one night of debauchery led to him being dealt a 'Full Weasely.' Dunne was able to conquer his demons at the Cape Cod Baseball League and landed himself a lucrative deal with Phillies. Following a successful stint in Philly that included have a sub 6 era, Dunne hit it big with a massive contract from the Washington Nationals. Unfortunately, Dunne's career did not have a happy ending. Dunne invested all of his money in the game 'Jump to Conclusions Mat,' quite possibly the worst idea I've ever heard. To cover his losses while he was still playing Dunne moonlighted as a street pharmacist, but due to the burden he had Dunne developed massive anxiety issues that became all to Willie Beamin like or maybe for the old timers he was 'McNowning' it. Currently Dunne's occupation can be described as drifter or is that Cade's job, I don't even know anymore.

Billy Brubaker- The catcher with the heart of gold and the swing of the seven year old. Known as 'Bru' he struggled with the switch to wood bats and never could get his stroke back. He never made it to the show and spent a career toiling in the minors. Upon dealing with this shame and realizing this aint no place for the weary kind Bru became a sexual deviant, spending his free time at the Playboy Mansion stealing Hef's and Timmy Couch's girlfriends, that resulted in a lifetime ban from the Mansion, or was that Mr. McNown.

Eric Van Leemer- Considered to be the real and only talent of Summer Catch Van Leemer had it all a hard throwing righty with a nasty slider, not to mention a flowing mane of bleach blonde tips. After a long holdout Van Leemer eventually signed with the Dodgers and was able to put together a few good seasons. All did not end well as Van Leemer failed MLB's Substance Abuse Policy (To Lambo for ya). He was also accused of being involved in a point shaving scandal, but then again that could have been Cade. There we have it three McNown references also known as the 'Turkey.' This is quite possibly the first and last time McNown has been referenced since 1999. Thanks for the memories Cade.

Your welcome.