Lincoln's Cast

So a while back I saw Lincoln and loved it!!!!! It was a movie basically made about my life and when I say my life (of Pie made by Kerri Russell for Matlock RIP) I'm referring to that doppelganger known as James Spader who plays some amazing character named after a hobbit. Btw I wonder why hobbit porn  hasn't caught on yet or maybe it has and I'm just too out the loop to know that market exists. But if furies can exist and midget sex can exist and both dooooo thrive, wouldn't Hobbit porn be the next logical destination? And to think a man like James Spader could lead me to such deep (blue sea) thoughts. Of course he would, he sleeps in the same bed as the Shat man aka TJ Hooks aka Showtime aka De Niro's lost career and any hope of being the greatest actor of all time. He's now somewhere ahead of Pacino but below My Dog Skip (which is underrated to say the least, it gave Muniz a freakin heart attack for Gods sake). Ok where were we then? That's right, Lincoln was awesome and so was the cast so let's do this hibachi style (no guns allowed) and bang this mother.......with a turban out.

James Spader: He's obviously the most accomplished actor in this movie so we should start with him. He's had an amazing 30 year run that saw him go chameleon for every decade. He was piece of shit coke head rich boy heart throb in the 80's ie. Pretty in Pink, Less Then Zero (which is the Yentl for coke addicts but where was Mandy Patikin? Playing alien in Alien Nation!!! How bout you sing me another Haftorah portion Mandy to close out another episode of Homeland.) He then slithered his way into becoming really the character that he's kind of been playing ever since because it prob most resembles his everyday life, that being the extremely creepy dude who inappropriately touches/fingers the random girl at the bar he just met but somehow not only is not arrested but picks her up because he's just good looking enough to pull it off and has enough confidence to make Alex Pettyfer not the # 1 best looking guy in the room but make him say things like "I'm am #4!" The movie I speak of is Sex Lies and Videotape (if you replace Andie Mcdowell with Asian chicks you get the Nic Cage Story: High Praise). He played that role over and over and over and climax and smoke and sleep over and over again aside from the his looks are fading but I remember that guy so lets put him #2 in a high budget action movie like Stargate. High praise! He finished his run with Secretary in which he beats and fucks a man who plays a woman who shares the same last name as the Prince of Persia. Some would say this man/woman known as Maggie is somehow attractive but they must have a jarhead to think that. FYI I have a Jarhead. He then took his act to TV where they say the camera adds 10 ponds but in his case adds 45. Boston Legal was our generations Vietnam in that it effected our adolescence greatly and forever. Too soon? Unfortunately he died and his ghost continued to act in The Office but his soul (is MINE!!!!! Mortal Combat!!!! Johnny CAGE!!! Sonya BLADE!!! Finish Him!!!! Sub-Zero!) was never there. He, however was ressurected from the dead like Jesus Christ himself to play the role he was born to play, that of one Abraham Lincoln. He was unjustly not given this part so he settled for a tour de force performance as himself circa 1965. OSCAR ALERT!!!!



To Be Continued.....

Great cast or Greatest cast of All-time?

Film : BOOGIE NIGHTS

Okay, let's get this out rite now, I love this film like it's my child and when I say child I mean I want to make love with it aka I'm Woody Allen everyone! This film has all the qualities of a masterpiece such as:

1) The title is perfection. Firstly Boogie is something I have in common with Biggie Smalls. We both don't dance, we boogie down! Also I happen to be alive so ha. The word nights represents my second favorite part of a 24 hour cycle right after daytime, together they make the movie Knight and Day which is our modern day Benny and June or for those sentimental older folks, Henry and Iris. All three have two names in the title seperated by the word the. Also, the word knight happens to be the last name of former Charlotte Bobcat and LA Clipper great Brevin Knight and when your a great from those two teams, your dog shit in the eyes of everyone else. Not bad dog shit but like celebrity dog shit like you came from the anus of one of those dogs from the film Homeward Bound. High praise Nic Cage states and yes, it is high praise when it's coming from the mouth of a man who has schtuped a Presley and dozen a little asian ladies (They make him go Bangkok Crazy/Beautiful).

2) I have something in common with Mr. Dirk Diggler and it's huge......my friedship with Reed Rothchild aka the Polar Bear. It's like a huge bright shining star big time massive maybe a little hairy at the root friendship anyone has ever seen. Pretty overwhelming if you ask me and I was only talking about the climax.....of the film.

3) The cast which leads me to the larger portion of this post about men who stare (at goats) at large penises who stare at girls boobs who stare at Burt Reynolds grey hared chest who stares a Loni Anderson who stares at his money that stares at the way it was.. oh the way it was and the way we were, when Redford had Barbara and Barbara had Redford and they had the world, the mad mad mad mad world....Spencer Tracy!

Mark Whalberg: He's like Billy Zane in that they are both pretty cool dud(a)es, we should listen to him. Let's go over Mark's highlights, he was a white rapper known as Marky Mark who grabbed his penis in every Calvin Klein underwear catwalk only to become an actor who had a 12 inch Johnson, out act Lou Diamond Phillips (which in itself is feat to behold) and bone Zooey Deschanel (and if I spelled her name wrong well screw you, I refuse to look her up after she broke my heart like Charleze Theron literally does in every film she's in or if we're reffering to Stuart Townsend's career.). So yaa, he's a pretty rad motherfucker.

Julianne Moore: How I love her, her bright red her, her average body, her little breasts she exposes in EVERY FREAKIN MOVIE EVER, who white pasty skin that scream sex appeall. She is the grooviest bitch ever straight from the mouth of the guy who's a cop and a half cause he has to carry that tripod around all day....BOOM! Think about, Moore has boned every type of person imagineable . She's bones the entire cast of Boogie Nights including Luiz Guzman who face it, is our generations Ricardo Montalban aka he's one sexy....KHANNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!! She's bones a brit (Hugh Grant), an old guy (Anthony Hopkins), JEFF GOLDBLUM!!!!!!, The Dude, The Ladies Man (The Ladies Man), and extremely old dude (Jason Robards), a gay man and a black man in the same movie, Mark Ruffalo (TWICE!!!!! Once Blind and once when she was gay, that's two ways Ruffalo which is one more way then Laura Linney can have it), Annette Benning (Seriously, thekids will never be alright) and Kevin Bacon (in the six degrees way and in the with his penis (see Wild Things) in her vagina way as well). Wow, that's a mouthful...and I'm saying that because it is with all that cum she now has to spit or swallow, her choice, equal rights everyone. People, she's the freakin catchline of this site, she's a goddess.

Luiz Guzman: Greatest. Of. All. Time. Why you ask? well for four reasons off the top of my head which are 1) He will understandddddddddd! 2) I like my Carlito's Way in two's and when I say two I mean the sequel which has this guy, the modern day Ricardo Monta...KHANNNNNNNNNNN!!!!! 3) He's boned Julianne Moore, 4) he made Journey 2 watchable even if it starred that hobbit Hutcherson aka the Hutch aka not the hitch aka not Will Smith the actor aka prob Will Smith of the New Orleans Saints aka enjoy your motherfuckin suspension asshole, that Superbowl was (Your soul is) mine!!!!!

Heather Graham: I'd still marry her even if she's comfortably in her 40's. She had all the traits of superstar like her right breast, her left breast and her right breast. She had what you called the It factor like the starring in a movie about how aliens come down in raindrops making them chubby all the while Keith Kincaid runs towards the aliens and then away from the aliens all meeting at a conclusion in which our protagonist screams "Gotcha Suckaaaaaaaa!!!!" it factor. And if you didn't get that movie ref then you don't like movies so get the fuck off this site. Plus she Favreau'd it, not Vaughn'd it, Favreau'd it, she swings that way. Whatever happens, she'll always be my it girl, jus call me Big Tuna.

John C. (stands for Charles in Charge) Reilly: The guy was in 3 of my four favorite films of the last 20 years. 1) Walk Hard 2) Cirque de Freak: Vampire's Assistant 3) The Good Girl (Got Yaaaa.. of course I'm going with the Ziegler, hell I am the Ziegler as long as I get to bone Anne Heche...while she's still lesbo cause I'm wierd like that). Oh what's that, my 4th favorite film of the last 20 years? Notting Hill

Thomas Jane: The guy is a legend. He gets killed by Alfred Molina (Sally Field got away, Too obscure?), he was Mickey Mantle, he had a kid with an Arquette, not David though unfortunately, and he boned Anne Heche a lot producing the two ugliest children to ever be born. One fat and the other is not human, not that there's anything wrong with that. The only thing cooler then Thomas Jane is Thomas Jane killing genetically enhanced smart sharks....DONE!!!!

Philip Seymour Hoffman: The guy has somehow made himself a quasi sex symbol even the tho he's balding, pasty, and obese. He just gets that scent of a woman, you know, when a man loves a woman, and he goes all out for her in the 25th hour. And tho he may seem flawless and was almost famous, he turns out to be a savage in the sack. Yes, I did just spend the last 5 minutes on IMDB and no, I'm not ashamed of myself. I love this guy only because of Along Came Polly. Just see that movie and you'll ask yourself this question? This guy's got an Oscar?.........How doesn't he have two? If Forest Whitaker's lazy eye can win one of golden boys, Hoffman can atleast win 2.

William H. Macy: Now this man is Shameless and not because he stars on the show by the same name. He's shameless because he's willing to be seen in open daylight with that hideous creature known as Felicity Huffman. When I saw Transamerica, i said "Hey, she went no makup for this one, good for her." I give him props for being the shoveler in Mystery Men and not because he a superhero but because he moved the needle on inter racial marriages being excepted in these United States, kind of like how OJ and Nicole did 2 decades earlier, how did that end up again? Too Soon????? I guess Felicity just enjoys to FREAK BILL MACY, FREAK BILL MACY!!!!!! (!!!!!)

Don Cheadle: He's Don Cheadle. The only man you'd happily let into your house knowing full well if he broke in mid night you'd never see him coming....not that there's anything wrong with that. Thank you everyone, I'll be here all...KHANNNNNNNN!!!!

Finally Burt Reynolds: The guy was a nobody TV scrub who hit the big time at 36 and never looked back until he got married, divorced, lost all his money and had to make a mini comeback in his early 60's which led to the remake of the Longest Yard which gave us Tracy Morgan in drag not to be confused with David Spade in drag or anyone associated with To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar. God Bless America where even the good ones who strike it rich with there chiseled looks and rock star mustache eventually will somehow piss it all away and die alone and unhappy. Americaaaaaa Fuck Yaaaaa.

Boogie Nights!!!!!!!

FROM,
MACHINE

The One, The Only, The Paci...Oooooohaaaa!

Welcome bac...Ooooohaaaaa! It's been a whil....Oooooohaaaaa! Ok, ok, enough fun with the Dunkacino back in his "Post glory (without black actors) borderlining on crazy Pacino-still love him though cause he makes classics even if he mostly screams his lines - give me a fuckin Oscar" faze. Today I will go through the many fazes of Mr. Al Pacino's brilliant career.

I break it down into 5 fazes (in Tony Montana voice) -

1) "Glory Years AKA I'm a fuckin stud even when I play a narc, a gay dude, and a motha fuckin brother killer" (Is Gollum the modern day Freido? "It should have been mine, my precious! I'm the older hobbit, I can do things like live in a cave and shit. I'm not an idiot like Samwise Gangee claims. It was mine, mt precious.") Faze

2) "I make 1 movie every fuckin 3 years cause I'm Al MothaFuckin Pacino and if Art Carney can rob an Oscar from me then fuck you and your sister" faze

3) "Post Glory, I'm mother fuckin borderlining on crazy Pacino but you still love me cause I don't break my balls for nobody. Now give me a fuckin Oscar" Faze

4) "I've lost my fuckin mind" Faze

5) "I'm Tony Mothafuckin Montana, Say hello to my little Dunkacino, Oh wait, I've fuckin lost my mind but still every time you get away, I bring you back in" Faze

1) Al Pacino was the coolest guy anywhere, cooler then Bobby D. (who also has his "lost his fuckin mind" faze. Rocky and Bullwinkle anyone?). From 1972-1983, Al Pacino ruled Hollywood. The guy played 4, 4!!!!! iconic characters in 5 movies while making another 2 very solid films (Thank you Jeffrey Tambor) to (puss in) boot(s). Oh, what's that? Cruising? I'm sorry I think your thinking of De Niro in Stardust. Honest mistake. But it is odd that Pac(hes O'houlihan)ino did play two gay like dudes when being a gay like dude was still not cool. Unless your Pacino and you made it cool. Attica! Attica! He was soooo money. If you take cool guys from that period, Pacino murders them with his little friend that somehow ruined Beverly D'Angelo, Oh how I miss you old school (Your my boy blue) D'Angelo. From boobs in hair to Lampoon's Vacation and still keeping it strong in Summer Catch (Thank heavens that Mathew Willard made a comeback that wasn't cancelled on Showtime) but then she went full Pacino. And this was Faze 4 Pacino which is scary as fuck like 88 minutes scary as fuck. She was 80's Julianne Moore, the hotter Glen Close, the less talented Maggie Smith. John Travolta had 3 iconic roles, not 5. He also loses a point for Stayin Alive. Frank Stallone actually ruined a movie that was already ruined in his 3 minutes of screen time. If I want to watch a talentless brother have sex with a musical instrument, I have 2, the Sklar Brothers. Too Cheap? Plus in one movie he idolizes Pacino with da beard ala Serpico. De Niro had 4 iconic performances but in only 4 movies. Close(r - Natalie Portman is a goddess) but no cigar (which could be used on Portman in Closer. Too graphic?). That's it. Pacino wins. Women are less equal to men to begin with so no argument can be made for them so Dunkacino wins by knockout.

2) to be continued - very soon like sooner then they can release another horrible journey film. What will the next one be, Jour (french for day) short for journey. I've already seen two of these and the Hunger Games, and besides Brendan Fraser's hair plugs, I can honestly say The kids are not alright except when Julianne Moore shows boobs which is every movie (classic Moore). Speaking of French, love Cirque du Freak except for the kid Hutcherson. Wait, Did I just Moore it up with a sprinkle of Reed Rothchild? I did.....NEW BLOG ENTRY EVERYONE!!!!!

Is Pearl Harbor our generation's Deer Hunter?

The answer is Yes......and all the good people know it even if it takes a roundabout way to admit it including those who are owner's of a lonely heart. I'm looking at you Davey Jones ala The Monkees. God, I liked myself better when I was a daydream believer but things (turn and face the strange) change like my age and my innocence or simply put my age of innocence Scorcese (so that's why your now directing family fair like Hugo: The story of Weaving's childhood). I use to care, I used to want you to want me but instead now I surrender because I guess (who) I feel cheap like a trick has been played on me. I've been tarnished like an American Woman of our day. It used to be "I am sixteen, going on (edge of) seventeen!" and I'll have that with "some of my favorite things." But now it's sixteen going on pregnant and no one wants to talk or feel or dance. That's maybe what I miss most about us, I liked the way danced. You pretend things change for the good but we never leave the chain gang. Don't get me wrong, I want to stand by you but like I already said, I'd then be a pretender and I want more. Maybe that's why I myself am an owner of a lonely heart. I'm nostalgic for a time and place that I never knew but yearn for. An era that probably was all to much the same as now. Yet I till wonder why I take the higher ground. Not to girl interupt(ed) but half this (no) country (for old men) is clinically depressed so why's the other half so (don't worry, be) happy? Ignorance? and like I began, the answer my friend is (blowin' in the wind)...Yes, that is correct Blondie. You just have to take the good, the bad and the ugly and deal or no deal with it otherwise your dead again ala Lovelace. When life throws you lemons, make lemonade even with a heart of ("they me Mr. (Tibbs)) glass. That brings me to my main point...Pearl Harbor is our generation's Deer Hunter and you can God Bless America for that.

(to be continued)

Bucky Larson:Born to be an Oscar Winner?

Hello folks, I'm back like Brian Mcaffrey was back for his brother because when your brother is in trouble, sometimes you just have to look into the fire and scream, "I'm going for the hose!" Anyways, my brother in arms, the celery trick, has left me despite my best efforts. Hopefully, as I grab the hose, he will atleast due me the solid of exclaming, "That's my brother Goddammit!" In other words, though I disapear a lot, neglect this blog, and am a completely selfish self centered attention whore, I will always be back because that's what firends are for, that and benefits. I feel like I'm the other (Boleyn) girl in that new movie "3" (not to be confused with the Dale Earnhardt movie because been there, done that, Pepper!), you know, the girl (as well as movie) you never saw because everyone's too busy three waying it that they never (ever say never - McGruber) stop to say, "hey, maybe we should make this a swingers party and add a fourth" and I'd gladly go Pettyffer and be like "I am number 4." But noooo, no invitation for moi because I'm still too Favreau. Maybe that's why he's off too New York, maybe he can't handle my love (actually, definately, maybe) becuase I've become James Gandolfini ala The Mexican. I'm a fat sweaty, hairy, ugly gay (not actually gay Kate) man that's insecure because I'm a fat sweaty, hairy, ugly gay (Once again no, not that there's anything wrong with it) man who nobody can love (Can't buy me love Lover Boy? Too Dempsey). But don't worry (Julie and) Julia, I won't kill you becuase in the end of the day, Polar Bear is gonna ask for me to let go Bull. But YOU GO, WE GO. Who's your brother (now) Brian? cue the flatline(rs) becuase nothing screams sexy like Oliver Platt (see The Three Musketeers or any Oliver Platt movie). Back to my main point for this article, Bucky Larson is the film of the year and this is why....

Nick Swardson: Move over Zac Efron because we have a new sheriff in town and his name is BONG! What's his name? Oh ya, He's a ni..BONG! I kid around ala Mikael Richards on a bad day, maybe one day (Anne Hathaway will go away) Mr. Richards will have his good day or for Russell Crowe's sake, a good year. But no, I digress as Leslie Nielsen would stop me and remind all, "no, the worse." RIP you crazy canuck who gave us such classics as Mr. Magoo and Men with Brooms (curling equivalent to Schindler's list). Swardson goes method as he often does and pulls off a performance of a life time for an actor who should never (say never - Justin Bieber) had been (unfor)given the chance to star in a movie in the first place because he has limited talent (except for being amazing). The last time we saw Nick, he was the lead in the Dolph Lundgren Docudrama Just Go With It: How Stallone Raped Dolph in the Pooper. I haven't been so horrified (aroused) by a performance since Michael Douglas dido'd (Still can Swayze it) that shit on Jeanne Tripplehorn. Wow, she's never recovered considering the men (who stare at goats) she's been with since (A man with webbed feet, a polygamist, and Bill Paxton, confused? So's Harry Dean Stanton since he hit senior citizenship back in 1963. Maybe what we have here is a failure to communicate.). Swardson sadly was not nominated for this virtuoso performance but with Bucky, he's a shoe in.

Christina Ricci: I thought she hit her (Dante's) peak in The Addams Family but I was wrong after seeing Casper. She left acting only to return with much vigor in Pecker. Little did we know, this film was only made in an attempt to prolong Edward Furlong's career into a 16th minute (Even Ed Burns knows you only get 15 minutes). Mr. Furlong, please follow your destiny (see River Phoenix, too wrong?). I Somehow how watched all of Black Snake Moan while only actually watching exactly 4 mins 52 seconds. If you can't understand then you probably also missed my Basic Instinct ref earlier in the article. But let's continue because I don't have the time for a total recall (BOOOM!). In Bucky, Ricci plays it straight as a women who's dream is to become a waitress. It's sad how she suffers kind of like Kevin Nealon's career since....well, since.....Fuck it, Kevin Nealon never really had a career so let's say birth (of a nation - cue the Michael Richards comment). Wait, now that I think of it, Ricci actually hit her sexual peak in Mermaids or was that Cher in her 60's. Moral of the story is Winoma Ryder was once that it girl all girls could aspire to be (not hot but worth a lay and a conversation) but now she looks terrible. What happened? Or was that Cher in Burlesque? Anyways, can we bring Bob Hoskins back into popular culture. No man has ever effected little boys lives (excluding Michael Jackson) more then Bob Hoskins. He was Super Mario, Smee (Hook is criminally underrated, seriously!!!!) and the pumpkin from Nightmare Before Christmas. I need this man back in my life maybe more then I need a girlfriend in my life.....I'll take the girlfriend on second thought.

Stephen Dorff: Let's keep it short, he played a character named Dick Shadow who apparently has the best taint and claims that, "Nothing grows in my cock shade, nothing!!!" All this actually occurred in the movie. Unfortunately I was unaware that Dorff was in this movie until the second half (baked) because I thought I was watching Brad Renfro. Then I realized Renfro went River on us, God damn you Furlong . This paragraph was almost shorter then Stephen Dorff's career potential.

Christopher Mcdonald: The real winner of the film. He went Wesley Snipes (Dorff connection) ala To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar as he was almost unrecognizable as Bucky Larson's penis. Everyone, we have our best actor at the Oscars! (Once again I can neither confirm nor deny Mr. Mcdonald's participation in this film due to the fact he was not credited (Like fuckin Gary Oldman) and is possibly dead from being to good at his craft (with a young Robin Tunney).

Bucky Larson was a star, a big bright shining star. That's right. You can all re-zip your pants now including you Dirk (Nowitzki) Diggler.

Goodnight, rest time for Machine. Need to recharge.

P.S. Heather Graham or Julianne Moore? Greatest debate our generation. What what Luis Guzman say? Probably "Step away from that ledge my friend." Yes, man, yes.

Say It Isn't So

Very rarely does the viewing public get a chance to witness a once in a generation talent. With his Midwestern roots and TCU education, it seemed only appropriate to anoint him as the new Sheriff of Hollywood. Were talking about none another than screen legend Chris Klein. Never mind the fact that Chris consistently showed the same blank stare in every film or that he came from Omaha. Truth of matter is that he's an 'actors, actor' similar to when Bobby Schneider graced us with his starring and directing role in the art house film Big Stan. A cinematic adventure that tickled us in all the right places. We'll deal with Bobby another time and return to focusing on cinematic God Chris Klein.

Klein got his start in Election, but that's to decent of a movie for this site to comment on. Really Chris got his breakout role in American Pie as Chris 'Oz' Ostreicher brilliantly playing a member of the lacrosse team who was a bit more sensitive than the normal jock. But what made this role stand out was Klein's brilliant use of his animalistic charm as he often referred to him as 'Nova' 'Casanova' and also his ability to tell any woman to and quote "Suck him beautiful." Eventually 'Oz' put his Big Dick Playa days behind him and settled down with Mena Suvari and finally someone was able to uncover the mysteries of Pittsburgh.

With all this good fortune Chris had finally landed a lead role in Say It Isn't So. A cutting edge comedy with some of Hollywood's biggest hitters including Richard Jenkins, although he may have just been visiting, Dig McCaffrey, and Julianne Moore's better half Heather Graham. However all of this didn't equate to box office success as the film bombed, but Klein got another chance as the lead in Rollerball. A film that did the 'Halle Berry' meaning that it did not go straight to DVD but rather straight to video. Unfortunately Chris could not rebound from this and through these failures he has been arrested twice for DUIs. During the second of these arrest Chris was asked if he was suicidal, and another direct quote from him "If I wanted to kill myself I'd fucking kill myself I'd be awesome at it, Shotgun to the dick."

Settle Down El Paso.

Great films I've never seen (but should I?)

Hello everybody, It's me, Dr. Nick Riviera........... No just kidding, It's actually Machine back again to spout more nonsense onto the world as it slowly tumbles into a descent of darkness only to be never seen from again. Or is that just the premise of Sactum (I don't know, nobody does cause nobody saw it James Cameron aka Mr. Kathryn (Deuce (Mcallister)) Bigelow)? Which leads me to my next (grosse) point (blank), please don't make Avatar 2, 3, or deep space 9 cause when I look In Your Eyes, James, I only see madness. You can't say make or say anything. Your head needs to be examined by a Sledgehammer down by Solsbury Hill (Three-Peat! TM that Pat Riley). This is obviously all just bible talk both from Job and GENESIS! Boom! That was fun as will the rest of this column but not before this important announcement:

"I sincerely apologise for forgetting (Sarah Marshall) my duties to this blog as I have recently been severly compromised my best friend. I thought we were Drake and Josh, Penn and Teller, Harold and Kumar, or Lilo and Stitch. I was wrong. Though I was the (Joey) fat one, he loved the Wackness and the separation began. What can I say, he was born to be a modern day Mary Tyler Moore aka Caroline in the City. He understands the nuances of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle 2: The Secret of the Ooze, whereas I could only wrap my mind around the cartoon. Isn't it obvious?!!! I put my baby in a corner and now my baby's running off to NYC like he was James in James and the Giant Peach. Due to this, I've been unable to write or do anything for that matter but now I'm back and reformed to be a better (more unselfish, caring, non-emo hipster) machine. This will never happen again, I 100 percent guarentee it unless it happens again due to my laziness. I'm like Kate Winslet in Titanic where she goes "I'll never let you go Jack" and then she let's go. CAMERONNNNNN!"

Now for fun. Yaaaaaa!!! Today's return (of the Jedi) column is about the great movies I've never seen before but still are great considering nobody saw them except critics who hated them worse then Amy Winehouse hated a sober day (Too soon?). And if your thinking what I'm thinking then yes, I have seen both I Know Who Killed Me (Classic! Killied me with lauhgter) and Stuart Saves his Family (Double Classic! Never has Al Franken screamed sexy more then in this which still equals less then zero Jami Gertz). A film I have never seen but bear mentioning in this column is the one and only:

Charlie St. Cloud

A movie so great, I gave it a standing ovation when first seeing the preview in theaters only to not go when it came out. The movie has everything. A title which makes you wonder, a possible spinoff of Boondock Saints, in an attempt to catch some of the buzz generated from the sequel, Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day. A cast so eclectic it was confused as a radio station one might play at an underground coffee house.

Zac Efron: Great actor or greatest actor of our generation? He's in the running with the likes of Rob Schnieder, Willem Dafoe, and Howard the Duck. Speaking of which, I have never seen Howard the Duck but I know Lea Thompson has if you know what I mean. Never has beastiality felt so wrong but yet so good kind of like a Alex Pettyfer film :-0. Btw Pettyfer, Efron's been there, done that, gorgeous and the carpet does match the drapes. Many say Howard the Duck was simply Coppola's follow up to Apocalypse Now because after an apocalypse, ducks probably do fuck hot chicks named Caroline in the City (Full circle once again). Why Polar Bear, Whyyyyyyyy? The horror, the horror. Efron showed the same range he showed as Link (Yahoo) in Hairspray. Fortunately, nobody out Marsden's a James Marsden, peasent. The guy freakin killed Honest Abe fore Pete's (Dragon) sake and what great cheek structure he had as well. Cool story Hansel. The only person who can out Marsden Marsden is BARRY PEPPER becuase it is man law, nobody out pepper's a pepper. Just look at another great film I never saw, Battlefield Earth. Why did it fail? Not because it was terrible but because it was obvious to all that Pepper was going to beat Travolta due to his power as the Pepper. Travolta wants a faceoff, Pepper gives him a Pepper. Travolta holds the general's daughter hostage, Pepper steals her with some Pepper. Travolta is barely Stayin' Alive and Pepper finishes him with some Pepper. And that's Jenga. So predictable. Barry Pepper obviously created Scientology so he could rule the world. Also Forest Whitaker was miscast.

Kim Basinger: Already wanked off atleast once since writing her name. Even at 72, she still is a (Nelie) fox. She has a Post-Fisher Stevens Michelle Pfieffer appeal with a pre Fisher Stevens Michelle Pfeiffer mystique. Except for those bruises under her eye from the third lightest yet still plump Baldwin (Thank God for Billy who still takes down single white females :-0 Too obscure?). Doesn't he know she's a working girl or does she dump him in the end after all for Harrison Ford?

Ray Liotta: He's the best. He bats righty though Shoeless Joe bats lefty, rats on the mob, sleeps with Whoopie Goldberg (but so did Ted Danson ala black face) and steals honey from the bees but we all still love him. You keep doing it Ray even if thats stealing Mark Grace's wife at a baseball game in which mark was playing in. No, no, yes, now that's jenga.

Christopher Mcdonald: He was wonderful. (I can neither confirm nor deny that Mr. Mcdonald was even in this film let alone still alive)

Let's not forget about the most important part of Charlie St. Cloud, the premise. Because when young man faces the dilemma of either yachting around the globe with a chick who wants to bang him or play baseball with his imaginary brother in a forest then, well....that's just too tough a decision for one machine to make. It something I feel we face in Parenthood and now I only need one more Ron Howard ref to make it a triumvirate (The Backdraft ref was way too obscure to even count). Fuck it, Charlie, choose the chick on the yacht, I can ensure only happy days for you. Booya, just Ruth'd it!

Okay, that's all. I need to recharge myself for the next time. Hope you enjoyed and if you didn't well I know who you are because only 7 people read this shit anyways.

Machine