Movie Review: Bad Teacher

Behind masterful direction from Director Jake Kasdan and a Sorkin-like script from Lee Eisneberg and Gene Stupinksy, Bad Teacher proves to be a cinematic triumph. Kasdan, who of course directed the criminally underrated Orange County and Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, artfully orchestrated a masterpiece by utilizing the comedic chops of all involved. Eisenberg and Stupinsky previously collaborated for the critical darling Year One, and they have managed to one-up themselves with this effort. Cameron Diaz gives a inspiring performance as the lead, displaying all of the raw emotion we have seen from her in previous works such as in The Sweetest Thing (I still miss you babe, and I don't wanna miss a thinggggg) and The Mask. Jason Segel and Phyllis from the Office shine as well. A Cinema Talk original theory was in play in this movie- The "There has never been a bad movie with anyone from The Office in it"- and Bad Teacher delivered in spades.

Random tangent: Is Bad Teacher badder than Bad Santa? If so, is it badder than Bad Blake?

Summary: For a movie with no plot, likable characters or character development, Bad Teacher had a surprisingly low Rotten Tomatoes score of 40%. This movie has it all- sexual innuendos, facetious people, dry-humping and John Michael Higgins (Gary, on the kick drum!). I absolutely recommend this flick.

Final Rating: CLASSIC!!

Blast from the Past

Because the Celery Stick refuses to post any new material because he's to busy watching Brian's (Song) basketball games, I, of course, have to pick up the slack(ers) like cool Ethan in early decline Devon Sawa era (Too removed from Casper but still searching for his Final Destination. Now and Then we reminisce about this fallen icon ala River Phoenix). So I will be starting a series of posts on classic movies from my childhood. Blast for the Past may be one of them considering it has an all-time great cast in the J-Man, Cher, A Jew who plays football, and a late bloomer who kills people (or lives in Badlands with Terrence Malick's 1st wife) plus this guy from Mad TV. But todays film is one I watched yesterday for the first time in ages.

Mortal Combat (1995)

Pure classic and the graphics are amazing as well. It's like watching an action video game using Who Framed Roger Rabbit special effects or it's like watching a Paul W.S. Anderson film who just so happened to be the director on Mortal Combat. Ving Rhames and Danny Trejo would be homeless without Anderson and it was this film that allowed him to further his directing prowess in such classics as AVP and Death Race. Oscar anyone?

Cast:

Robin Shou: Not only did he play the male lead in Mortal Combat, he battled wits with Chris Farley in Beverly Hills Ninja. Most versatile actor of our generation or most versatile actor of all-time? He was funnier opposite Farley than Matthew Perry was in Almost Heroes but that's like saying getting C - on a test is great because the retarded kid next to you failed. Robin Shou has not been seen since 1995 unless he is Jackie Chan, Jet Li, or Chow Yun Fat or are these people one in the same but I digress.

Christopher Lambert: Never heard of him? That's because he is not the voice of reason in Dexter's head as James Remar is. How are these two even linked? Both played Lord Rayden in the Mortal Combat franchise, Remar in the classic sequel that made no sense. Lambert has not been seen since 1995.

Linden Ashby: He played Johnny Cage, killed in 3rd minute of sequel, hasn't been seen since 1995.

Taliso Soto: She sizzled opposite the greatest Bond ever (possibly George Lazenby?) but found herself finally in the role of the century as a 10 thousand year old princess fighting for the good guys. She has been seen since 1995 but as the rebound girl for Benjamin Bratt and the cleaner of his children's diapers. Meow!!!!

Bridgette Wilson: when she was wholesome and mine. Then Pete Sampras had to screw it all up for everyone. Do you know he's a terrible tipper and really boring. Why?!!!!!!!!! Oh Bridgette, how I yearn for your return on the silver screen. Sooooo Hot, what to touch her heiny! If anyone could split these two up, it would be gratefully appreciated. I double dog dare you!

Christopher Mcdonald: Not in this movie. But don't I have a nice rack!

That's all for now. i know it's not great but deal (or no deal) with it. I was bored, now I'm lazy so I'll come back later and hyperlink it up. Let's consider this a rough draft.

Born in Britain Made in America

He’s been described as having a sultry smooth voice that is pure as butter. He’s delivered knock out performances one after the other. In the cinema world he’s described as ‘Liquid Gold.’ Were talking about a man who’s consistently robbed the careers of Chi McBride and Faizon Love. Here at Cinema Bros. we want to devote our attention to those under the radar stars and today it happens to be the exceptional Delroy Lindo. Born to Jamaican parents Delroy honed his skills in theater before getting his breakthrough role in Malcolm X. In Hollywood Dennis Farina has been described as the white Delroy Lindo. As a result Farina has demanded that Lindo (Romeo) must die. After being one of Crooklyn’s finest and delivering the goods in Get Shorty, Lindo truly broke through with his performance of Captain Wanta in 1995s Congo. It can be confirmed that Lindo is only the second person ever to put Tim Curry in a corner, and as we know not just anybody can put the Curry in a corner.

Lindo has given the audience a sense of protection as he is constantly cast as member of law enforcement. Soon after the dominos began to fall and Lindo landed the role of a lifetime facing off with Nicolas Cage in Gone in Sixty Seconds. Two Hollywood Heavyweights jousting each other for ultimate glory. The only film comparison that can be made to this is when Dennis Hopper had the audacity to go toe-too-toe with the Deedles. On the Paul Walker front has there ever been a better actor out there that we literally know absolutely nothing about.

Back to Lindo following his ‘Cage-Off’ his career did not take off as we expected and was nearly blackballed out of the profession by some (Charles) minor amateur. Through his code of conduct and constant professionalism Delroy returned and joined us This Christmas where he showed his fathering skills to a young Sisqo. We’ve hung by Lindo and in return he has brought us a wealth of enjoyment. To conclude I wanted to inform Celery Trick that in 1994 Lindo traveled to Africa with both Angela Basset and Alfre Woodard proving that they are two separate people, and once again Delroy Lindo showed the world that he is the (Minnesota) miracle man. Delroy Lindo part man, part machine, TOTAL WEAPON.

The Life and Times of Christopher Mcdonald

Never has one man tickled the cinema world's balls more delightfully then Mr. Mcdonald. Some say he was a gift from the Greek Gods, others say he was the love child of Clark Gable and Marie Curie. I personally am just happy to have had my balls tickled so delightfully by this (iron) giant among men.

Filmography:

Grease 2 (1982): Mcdoanld burst onto the scene in his method portrayal of Goose Mckenzie, a bad boy with style. Most watch this classic sequel for a pre-Fisher Stevens Michelle Pfeiffer because seriously, things were never the same afterwards. She took the role in Grease 2 because she was looking for some more serious material after the laugher Scarface. She found it here because obviously Al Pacino is no Maxwell Caulfield (Who's that guy? :-0). Btw my personal favorite pre-Fisher Stevens Pfeiffer film has to be Married to the Mob because Matthew Modine has never made a bad movie. Look it up, the guy's batting 100 percent like Denny Crane in court (Wow, Too post-Fisher Stevens obscure?) Only Mathew Modine can turn an AIDs movie into a rousing romantic comedy where everyone goes home happy but in this case, everyone dies. Back to my main point, please try not get lost, I don't watch Grease 2 for Pfeiffer, I watch it for Mcdonald and the cleverly well written songs of course, such as We're Gonna Score Tonight (while bowling), Do It (not duet) for Our Country (in a war bunker), and Reproduction (while talking about reproduction). Mcdonald made Grease 2 the best sequel ever until Sly Stallone's Stayin' Alive came out one year later. Because when a woman wants to make love to you, there's only one action a man can take, and that is to STRUT!

Another Midnight Run (TV Movie - 1994): The first Midnight Run was so good and had such great finality to it (Seriously!) that the studio executives just had to make a straight to television sequel starring Mcdonald rather than De Niro because in all honesty De Niro cannot even imagine the emotional depths Mcdonald brings to each and every character he becomes (Run on sentence). Mcdonald was in 1 episode of Cheers, an American classic, whereas Bobby D. made a movie with Val Kilmer (all careers die with Val Kilmer unless your Macgruber where your career triples itself a thousand times in strength ex. Bridesmaids). Easy win for Mcdonald.

Happy Gilmore (1996): I will not talk about Shooter Mcgavin except it is the greatest performance ever captured on celluloid. This one character deserves it's own post by itself on a mantle where people can only look but can't touch. And I'll leave it at that.

Celtic Pride (1996): The true inspiration for this post as I just watched this classic for the hundredth time earlier today. Mcdonald gets to the heart of coaching professional basketball with his quote: "In basketball, you see the problem, you solve the problem, that's coaching." And that my friend is Oscar worthy. Well done sir, Well done. But Daniel Stern deserved better but after his bush whacking accident, well it's to hard to talk about (He strutted too). Maybe I'll tell you in the next three days.

The Perfect Storm (2000): Mcdonald brought some needed weight to a film that Dewey Cox just couldn't carry himself. I love pre-Will Ferrell John C. Reilly as much as I love John C. Reilly now. The way he caressed Jennifer Aniston's boob (That's Holden Caulfield, not Maxwell Caulfield, don't be greedy, you had Grease 2), the way he wanted to bang that heroin addict because he was lonely while Tom Cruise acted like himself on screen, the way he used to dance. Yes, that's what I miss most, I liked the way we danced (Too soon? A black man can't be God unless his name is Morgan Freeman but even the trailer gets me emotional). The real problem with The Perfect Storm is it had a cast, and a budget, and a script (notice my Steinbeck style with the repetitive "And") but it didn't have a title. Cue Christopher Mcdonald. He came in all serious, looked at a weather report and said, "A storm is coming from the left, and another storm is coming from the right, and a third one just appeared and my lord, they're all gonna merge at the center and create......THE PERFECT STORM!" -exact lines from film

61* (2001) His long goodbye. Mcdonald had a voice that could melt a woman's heart and used it to great effect in this true classic about America's pastime. This film was already classic as it starred Barry Pepper and you can never ever get enough pepper from the Pepper even if he's losing his hair. Thomas Jane hung on for dear life as these two heavyweights duked it out on screen. Jane ultimately was lost forever to a deep blue sea.

Christopher Mcdonald died shortly after the release of 61* . He knew his time was up so he left the way he came, abruptly. A fat man, however claiming to be a Christopher Mcdonald, has appeared on several T.V shows in bit parts over the last decade. I can neither confirm or deny if this man is telling the truth.

There you have it. I missed many films (Flubber) but I ran out of power and need be recharged for future posts.

Hope you were tickled a little,

Machine

Law of Phillippe

There is the timeless phrase "when in doubt, run the football". Here at Cinema Talk. we have the mantra "when in doubt, cast Ryan Phillippe". He crashed onto the scene with one spine tingling performance after another. To put it simply, on a scale of one to ten, Phillippe is a 54. According to our fact checkers, when Ryan is cast in a movie that film is guaranteed to go up one star, as well as having a 46% increase in revenue. Furthermore, his mere presence upgrades a film one level in our ratings scale. There is a sense of (anti) trust the audience has with Phillippe, and this has led to him being in a (Bang Bang) club of his own. We’ve never stopped (loss) pursuing the law of Phillippe as he has constantly displayed and perfected his acting chops. I can assure our intentions are purely innocent in this post. Phillippe's opus is obviously as Lieutenant Dixon Piper (if you are going to click one link in this post, please let it be this one. OPUS, people) in the MacGruber.

Post is over I can't top that last link... CELERY TRICK!!!!!

(this was a joint effort with Ronimal)

Reindeer Games: Greatest Supporting Cast Ever

The term bench mob is widely associated with the non-starters of an NBA team. The origin of the term is still widely debated in basketball circles in terms of when it started whether it be Jordan’s 1990s Bulls, the glory days of the of Sacramento Kings, or the 2007-2008 Lakers.

All of these options fall short to John Frankenheimer’s Reindeer Games. Frankenheimer’s last and possibly best worked was initially billed as an Affleck, Sinise, Theron headliner. Upon further inspection Frankehnheimer’s real achievement was the supporting cast that included the likes of Dana Stubblefield, Isaac Hayes, Danny Trejo, Dennis Farina, Ashton Kutcher, Ron Jeremy and Donal Logue. To put it lightly we haven’t seen an eclectic cast like this since Warren Beatty’s beacon of hope Town & Country.

A movie with early 00s Affleck was a feast in itself but throw in a BALCO client, a manager, a rapper, and a tennis star you have quite the spread. Rather you are not looking at a movie but rather a casting job done by none other than God himself. Is the plot of this film important, not really, does it matter that Frankenheimer insist on Affleck close ups or how he manages to get pummeled in every scene yet only end up with a bloody nose, not at all. What does matter is being gripped and tickled by this supporting cast and the fact that Frankenheimer got them all. The notion of landing only one of these guys would have been a remarkable feat, but to acquire such a trough of talent is rather unheard of. We shouldn’t disregard such a timeless classic, but rather embrace it. It does not matter that parts of this movie leaves us in flux what does matter is that Reindeer Games is a gem of a picture that should be embraced for its supporting cast that can simply be described as poetry in motion.

A movie and a supporting cast ahead of its time that will never be duplicated or replicated. To put it plainly the viewing public only has one decision to make when it comes to the personalities surrounding Reindeer Games, great or greatest.

Oh Machine thought I would tell you a little bit about myself
My a favorite song ‘One’ by Metallica
My second favorite song ‘The One’ by Limp Bizkit
My favorite game Uno
My favorite movie is Solo with the ever incomparable Mario Van Peebles
Your welcome

Classic Movies: Jennifer's Body

I will be doing a series of posts simply called classic movies where I present classic movies through the history of filmmaking. Today's installment is the true classic, Jennifer's Body written by the ever slender and clean cut Diablo Cody from The United States of Tara fame.

JENNIFER'S BODY

I had never seen this film before last night because it was a open friday, gone Saturday type of release. I happen to be a Sunday matinee type of machine. So what a delight for me when I saw it was on at 11 PM in an apartment where I happened to be alone to myself. Now you give me Amanda Seyfried and i'll raise you a Meryl Streep because that's how I role (Mamma Mia - ultimate classic especially with Pierce Brosnan sultry voice). But then if you add a Megan Fox then I'm in trouble until, Hello, how you doing Mathew Fox! Double Whammy! Not so impressed. The kicker however was Adam Brody who happen to have some of the finest acting chops I've seen since Channing Tatum was a tour de force in GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra. I decided to to watch.

What I liked:

J.K. Simmons - The man was rocking hair better then Beverly D'Angelo in Hair (Made you look). There has never been a bad movie with J.K. Simmons and that's a fact. He really went method in this one like he did when he out peppered Barry Pepper in 3: The Dale Earnhardt Story as Dale's daddy. Do you realize how hard it is to out pepper pepper? Barry Pepper can't even out pepper himself when Ned Pepper took over his body in True Grit. Too Pepper or too Reelz Channel? Then add a little salt and wow, that's a hell of a formula that maybe only some Marley Shelton's Sugar and Spice can out do. What I'm trying to say is J.K Simmons is the inside man's Omar aka I jus made an OZ ref!

Amanda Seyfried playing the ugly girl: I mean what a fine performance by such a beautiful woman. The way she put those glasses on and then wore her hair back made her hideous. So hideous that even Captain America would turn Dalton Trumbo on her ass (That's as too obscure as you get!). And the way she lost her virginity to the nerdy six packed kid felt so realistic. She felt no pain at all as he jumped right into action but right before she started hallucinating dead people. Now that's movie magic!

What I didn't like:

No Boobies: No boobies

Consensus: Must see movie. I actually only watched the first hour and a bit because it was late and I had done what I intended to do when I turned it on in the first place.....Get to the second kill scene of course. For all you sick minded people, let me remind you that mothers read this site. I am definitely one machine that will not get myself involved in mommy issues like an Albert Brook's over written somewhat funny but overall annoying film. Though, I still love you Debbie even if your daughter turned into a man.

That's how it's done Ronimal. Read and learn, short and sweet. Though the players have changed, the game is still the same. Reverse Grubes!

Machine