Say It Isn't So

Very rarely does the viewing public get a chance to witness a once in a generation talent. With his Midwestern roots and TCU education, it seemed only appropriate to anoint him as the new Sheriff of Hollywood. Were talking about none another than screen legend Chris Klein. Never mind the fact that Chris consistently showed the same blank stare in every film or that he came from Omaha. Truth of matter is that he's an 'actors, actor' similar to when Bobby Schneider graced us with his starring and directing role in the art house film Big Stan. A cinematic adventure that tickled us in all the right places. We'll deal with Bobby another time and return to focusing on cinematic God Chris Klein.

Klein got his start in Election, but that's to decent of a movie for this site to comment on. Really Chris got his breakout role in American Pie as Chris 'Oz' Ostreicher brilliantly playing a member of the lacrosse team who was a bit more sensitive than the normal jock. But what made this role stand out was Klein's brilliant use of his animalistic charm as he often referred to him as 'Nova' 'Casanova' and also his ability to tell any woman to and quote "Suck him beautiful." Eventually 'Oz' put his Big Dick Playa days behind him and settled down with Mena Suvari and finally someone was able to uncover the mysteries of Pittsburgh.

With all this good fortune Chris had finally landed a lead role in Say It Isn't So. A cutting edge comedy with some of Hollywood's biggest hitters including Richard Jenkins, although he may have just been visiting, Dig McCaffrey, and Julianne Moore's better half Heather Graham. However all of this didn't equate to box office success as the film bombed, but Klein got another chance as the lead in Rollerball. A film that did the 'Halle Berry' meaning that it did not go straight to DVD but rather straight to video. Unfortunately Chris could not rebound from this and through these failures he has been arrested twice for DUIs. During the second of these arrest Chris was asked if he was suicidal, and another direct quote from him "If I wanted to kill myself I'd fucking kill myself I'd be awesome at it, Shotgun to the dick."

Settle Down El Paso.

Great films I've never seen (but should I?)

Hello everybody, It's me, Dr. Nick Riviera........... No just kidding, It's actually Machine back again to spout more nonsense onto the world as it slowly tumbles into a descent of darkness only to be never seen from again. Or is that just the premise of Sactum (I don't know, nobody does cause nobody saw it James Cameron aka Mr. Kathryn (Deuce (Mcallister)) Bigelow)? Which leads me to my next (grosse) point (blank), please don't make Avatar 2, 3, or deep space 9 cause when I look In Your Eyes, James, I only see madness. You can't say make or say anything. Your head needs to be examined by a Sledgehammer down by Solsbury Hill (Three-Peat! TM that Pat Riley). This is obviously all just bible talk both from Job and GENESIS! Boom! That was fun as will the rest of this column but not before this important announcement:

"I sincerely apologise for forgetting (Sarah Marshall) my duties to this blog as I have recently been severly compromised my best friend. I thought we were Drake and Josh, Penn and Teller, Harold and Kumar, or Lilo and Stitch. I was wrong. Though I was the (Joey) fat one, he loved the Wackness and the separation began. What can I say, he was born to be a modern day Mary Tyler Moore aka Caroline in the City. He understands the nuances of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle 2: The Secret of the Ooze, whereas I could only wrap my mind around the cartoon. Isn't it obvious?!!! I put my baby in a corner and now my baby's running off to NYC like he was James in James and the Giant Peach. Due to this, I've been unable to write or do anything for that matter but now I'm back and reformed to be a better (more unselfish, caring, non-emo hipster) machine. This will never happen again, I 100 percent guarentee it unless it happens again due to my laziness. I'm like Kate Winslet in Titanic where she goes "I'll never let you go Jack" and then she let's go. CAMERONNNNNN!"

Now for fun. Yaaaaaa!!! Today's return (of the Jedi) column is about the great movies I've never seen before but still are great considering nobody saw them except critics who hated them worse then Amy Winehouse hated a sober day (Too soon?). And if your thinking what I'm thinking then yes, I have seen both I Know Who Killed Me (Classic! Killied me with lauhgter) and Stuart Saves his Family (Double Classic! Never has Al Franken screamed sexy more then in this which still equals less then zero Jami Gertz). A film I have never seen but bear mentioning in this column is the one and only:

Charlie St. Cloud

A movie so great, I gave it a standing ovation when first seeing the preview in theaters only to not go when it came out. The movie has everything. A title which makes you wonder, a possible spinoff of Boondock Saints, in an attempt to catch some of the buzz generated from the sequel, Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day. A cast so eclectic it was confused as a radio station one might play at an underground coffee house.

Zac Efron: Great actor or greatest actor of our generation? He's in the running with the likes of Rob Schnieder, Willem Dafoe, and Howard the Duck. Speaking of which, I have never seen Howard the Duck but I know Lea Thompson has if you know what I mean. Never has beastiality felt so wrong but yet so good kind of like a Alex Pettyfer film :-0. Btw Pettyfer, Efron's been there, done that, gorgeous and the carpet does match the drapes. Many say Howard the Duck was simply Coppola's follow up to Apocalypse Now because after an apocalypse, ducks probably do fuck hot chicks named Caroline in the City (Full circle once again). Why Polar Bear, Whyyyyyyyy? The horror, the horror. Efron showed the same range he showed as Link (Yahoo) in Hairspray. Fortunately, nobody out Marsden's a James Marsden, peasent. The guy freakin killed Honest Abe fore Pete's (Dragon) sake and what great cheek structure he had as well. Cool story Hansel. The only person who can out Marsden Marsden is BARRY PEPPER becuase it is man law, nobody out pepper's a pepper. Just look at another great film I never saw, Battlefield Earth. Why did it fail? Not because it was terrible but because it was obvious to all that Pepper was going to beat Travolta due to his power as the Pepper. Travolta wants a faceoff, Pepper gives him a Pepper. Travolta holds the general's daughter hostage, Pepper steals her with some Pepper. Travolta is barely Stayin' Alive and Pepper finishes him with some Pepper. And that's Jenga. So predictable. Barry Pepper obviously created Scientology so he could rule the world. Also Forest Whitaker was miscast.

Kim Basinger: Already wanked off atleast once since writing her name. Even at 72, she still is a (Nelie) fox. She has a Post-Fisher Stevens Michelle Pfieffer appeal with a pre Fisher Stevens Michelle Pfeiffer mystique. Except for those bruises under her eye from the third lightest yet still plump Baldwin (Thank God for Billy who still takes down single white females :-0 Too obscure?). Doesn't he know she's a working girl or does she dump him in the end after all for Harrison Ford?

Ray Liotta: He's the best. He bats righty though Shoeless Joe bats lefty, rats on the mob, sleeps with Whoopie Goldberg (but so did Ted Danson ala black face) and steals honey from the bees but we all still love him. You keep doing it Ray even if thats stealing Mark Grace's wife at a baseball game in which mark was playing in. No, no, yes, now that's jenga.

Christopher Mcdonald: He was wonderful. (I can neither confirm nor deny that Mr. Mcdonald was even in this film let alone still alive)

Let's not forget about the most important part of Charlie St. Cloud, the premise. Because when young man faces the dilemma of either yachting around the globe with a chick who wants to bang him or play baseball with his imaginary brother in a forest then, well....that's just too tough a decision for one machine to make. It something I feel we face in Parenthood and now I only need one more Ron Howard ref to make it a triumvirate (The Backdraft ref was way too obscure to even count). Fuck it, Charlie, choose the chick on the yacht, I can ensure only happy days for you. Booya, just Ruth'd it!

Okay, that's all. I need to recharge myself for the next time. Hope you enjoyed and if you didn't well I know who you are because only 7 people read this shit anyways.

Machine