So a while back I saw Lincoln and loved it!!!!! It was a movie basically made about my life and when I say my life (of Pie made by Kerri Russell for Matlock RIP) I'm referring to that doppelganger known as James Spader who plays some amazing character named after a hobbit. Btw I wonder why hobbit porn hasn't caught on yet or maybe it has and I'm just too out the loop to know that market exists. But if furies can exist and midget sex can exist and both dooooo thrive, wouldn't Hobbit porn be the next logical destination? And to think a man like James Spader could lead me to such deep (blue sea) thoughts. Of course he would, he sleeps in the same bed as the Shat man aka TJ Hooks aka Showtime aka De Niro's lost career and any hope of being the greatest actor of all time. He's now somewhere ahead of Pacino but below My Dog Skip (which is underrated to say the least, it gave Muniz a freakin heart attack for Gods sake). Ok where were we then? That's right, Lincoln was awesome and so was the cast so let's do this hibachi style (no guns allowed) and bang this mother.......with a turban out.
James Spader: He's obviously the most accomplished actor in this movie so we should start with him. He's had an amazing 30 year run that saw him go chameleon for every decade. He was piece of shit coke head rich boy heart throb in the 80's ie. Pretty in Pink, Less Then Zero (which is the Yentl for coke addicts but where was Mandy Patikin? Playing alien in Alien Nation!!! How bout you sing me another Haftorah portion Mandy to close out another episode of Homeland.) He then slithered his way into becoming really the character that he's kind of been playing ever since because it prob most resembles his everyday life, that being the extremely creepy dude who inappropriately touches/fingers the random girl at the bar he just met but somehow not only is not arrested but picks her up because he's just good looking enough to pull it off and has enough confidence to make Alex Pettyfer not the # 1 best looking guy in the room but make him say things like "I'm am #4!" The movie I speak of is Sex Lies and Videotape (if you replace Andie Mcdowell with Asian chicks you get the Nic Cage Story: High Praise). He played that role over and over and over and climax and smoke and sleep over and over again aside from the his looks are fading but I remember that guy so lets put him #2 in a high budget action movie like Stargate. High praise! He finished his run with Secretary in which he beats and fucks a man who plays a woman who shares the same last name as the Prince of Persia. Some would say this man/woman known as Maggie is somehow attractive but they must have a jarhead to think that. FYI I have a Jarhead. He then took his act to TV where they say the camera adds 10 ponds but in his case adds 45. Boston Legal was our generations Vietnam in that it effected our adolescence greatly and forever. Too soon? Unfortunately he died and his ghost continued to act in The Office but his soul (is MINE!!!!! Mortal Combat!!!! Johnny CAGE!!! Sonya BLADE!!! Finish Him!!!! Sub-Zero!) was never there. He, however was ressurected from the dead like Jesus Christ himself to play the role he was born to play, that of one Abraham Lincoln. He was unjustly not given this part so he settled for a tour de force performance as himself circa 1965. OSCAR ALERT!!!!
To Be Continued.....
