So a while back I saw Lincoln and loved it!!!!! It was a movie basically made about my life and when I say my life (of Pie made by Kerri Russell for Matlock RIP) I'm referring to that doppelganger known as James Spader who plays some amazing character named after a hobbit. Btw I wonder why hobbit porn hasn't caught on yet or maybe it has and I'm just too out the loop to know that market exists. But if furies can exist and midget sex can exist and both dooooo thrive, wouldn't Hobbit porn be the next logical destination? And to think a man like James Spader could lead me to such deep (blue sea) thoughts. Of course he would, he sleeps in the same bed as the Shat man aka TJ Hooks aka Showtime aka De Niro's lost career and any hope of being the greatest actor of all time. He's now somewhere ahead of Pacino but below My Dog Skip (which is underrated to say the least, it gave Muniz a freakin heart attack for Gods sake). Ok where were we then? That's right, Lincoln was awesome and so was the cast so let's do this hibachi style (no guns allowed) and bang this mother.......with a turban out.
James Spader: He's obviously the most accomplished actor in this movie so we should start with him. He's had an amazing 30 year run that saw him go chameleon for every decade. He was piece of shit coke head rich boy heart throb in the 80's ie. Pretty in Pink, Less Then Zero (which is the Yentl for coke addicts but where was Mandy Patikin? Playing alien in Alien Nation!!! How bout you sing me another Haftorah portion Mandy to close out another episode of Homeland.) He then slithered his way into becoming really the character that he's kind of been playing ever since because it prob most resembles his everyday life, that being the extremely creepy dude who inappropriately touches/fingers the random girl at the bar he just met but somehow not only is not arrested but picks her up because he's just good looking enough to pull it off and has enough confidence to make Alex Pettyfer not the # 1 best looking guy in the room but make him say things like "I'm am #4!" The movie I speak of is Sex Lies and Videotape (if you replace Andie Mcdowell with Asian chicks you get the Nic Cage Story: High Praise). He played that role over and over and over and climax and smoke and sleep over and over again aside from the his looks are fading but I remember that guy so lets put him #2 in a high budget action movie like Stargate. High praise! He finished his run with Secretary in which he beats and fucks a man who plays a woman who shares the same last name as the Prince of Persia. Some would say this man/woman known as Maggie is somehow attractive but they must have a jarhead to think that. FYI I have a Jarhead. He then took his act to TV where they say the camera adds 10 ponds but in his case adds 45. Boston Legal was our generations Vietnam in that it effected our adolescence greatly and forever. Too soon? Unfortunately he died and his ghost continued to act in The Office but his soul (is MINE!!!!! Mortal Combat!!!! Johnny CAGE!!! Sonya BLADE!!! Finish Him!!!! Sub-Zero!) was never there. He, however was ressurected from the dead like Jesus Christ himself to play the role he was born to play, that of one Abraham Lincoln. He was unjustly not given this part so he settled for a tour de force performance as himself circa 1965. OSCAR ALERT!!!!
To Be Continued.....
Monday, December 17, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Great cast or Greatest cast of All-time?
Film : BOOGIE NIGHTS
Okay, let's get this out rite now, I love this film like it's my child and when I say child I mean I want to make love with it aka I'm Woody Allen everyone! This film has all the qualities of a masterpiece such as:
1) The title is perfection. Firstly Boogie is something I have in common with Biggie Smalls. We both don't dance, we boogie down! Also I happen to be alive so ha. The word nights represents my second favorite part of a 24 hour cycle right after daytime, together they make the movie Knight and Day which is our modern day Benny and June or for those sentimental older folks, Henry and Iris. All three have two names in the title seperated by the word the. Also, the word knight happens to be the last name of former Charlotte Bobcat and LA Clipper great Brevin Knight and when your a great from those two teams, your dog shit in the eyes of everyone else. Not bad dog shit but like celebrity dog shit like you came from the anus of one of those dogs from the film Homeward Bound. High praise Nic Cage states and yes, it is high praise when it's coming from the mouth of a man who has schtuped a Presley and dozen a little asian ladies (They make him go Bangkok Crazy/Beautiful).
2) I have something in common with Mr. Dirk Diggler and it's huge......my friedship with Reed Rothchild aka the Polar Bear. It's like a huge bright shining star big time massive maybe a little hairy at the root friendship anyone has ever seen. Pretty overwhelming if you ask me and I was only talking about the climax.....of the film.
3) The cast which leads me to the larger portion of this post about men who stare (at goats) at large penises who stare at girls boobs who stare at Burt Reynolds grey hared chest who stares a Loni Anderson who stares at his money that stares at the way it was.. oh the way it was and the way we were, when Redford had Barbara and Barbara had Redford and they had the world, the mad mad mad mad world....Spencer Tracy!
Mark Whalberg: He's like Billy Zane in that they are both pretty cool dud(a)es, we should listen to him. Let's go over Mark's highlights, he was a white rapper known as Marky Mark who grabbed his penis in every Calvin Klein underwear catwalk only to become an actor who had a 12 inch Johnson, out act Lou Diamond Phillips (which in itself is feat to behold) and bone Zooey Deschanel (and if I spelled her name wrong well screw you, I refuse to look her up after she broke my heart like Charleze Theron literally does in every film she's in or if we're reffering to Stuart Townsend's career.). So yaa, he's a pretty rad motherfucker.
Julianne Moore: How I love her, her bright red her, her average body, her little breasts she exposes in EVERY FREAKIN MOVIE EVER, who white pasty skin that scream sex appeall. She is the grooviest bitch ever straight from the mouth of the guy who's a cop and a half cause he has to carry that tripod around all day....BOOM! Think about, Moore has boned every type of person imagineable . She's bones the entire cast of Boogie Nights including Luiz Guzman who face it, is our generations Ricardo Montalban aka he's one sexy....KHANNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!! She's bones a brit (Hugh Grant), an old guy (Anthony Hopkins), JEFF GOLDBLUM!!!!!!, The Dude, The Ladies Man (The Ladies Man), and extremely old dude (Jason Robards), a gay man and a black man in the same movie, Mark Ruffalo (TWICE!!!!! Once Blind and once when she was gay, that's two ways Ruffalo which is one more way then Laura Linney can have it), Annette Benning (Seriously, thekids will never be alright) and Kevin Bacon (in the six degrees way and in the with his penis (see Wild Things) in her vagina way as well). Wow, that's a mouthful...and I'm saying that because it is with all that cum she now has to spit or swallow, her choice, equal rights everyone. People, she's the freakin catchline of this site, she's a goddess.
Luiz Guzman: Greatest. Of. All. Time. Why you ask? well for four reasons off the top of my head which are 1) He will understandddddddddd! 2) I like my Carlito's Way in two's and when I say two I mean the sequel which has this guy, the modern day Ricardo Monta...KHANNNNNNNNNNN!!!!! 3) He's boned Julianne Moore, 4) he made Journey 2 watchable even if it starred that hobbit Hutcherson aka the Hutch aka not the hitch aka not Will Smith the actor aka prob Will Smith of the New Orleans Saints aka enjoy your motherfuckin suspension asshole, that Superbowl was (Your soul is) mine!!!!!
Heather Graham: I'd still marry her even if she's comfortably in her 40's. She had all the traits of superstar like her right breast, her left breast and her right breast. She had what you called the It factor like the starring in a movie about how aliens come down in raindrops making them chubby all the while Keith Kincaid runs towards the aliens and then away from the aliens all meeting at a conclusion in which our protagonist screams "Gotcha Suckaaaaaaaa!!!!" it factor. And if you didn't get that movie ref then you don't like movies so get the fuck off this site. Plus she Favreau'd it, not Vaughn'd it, Favreau'd it, she swings that way. Whatever happens, she'll always be my it girl, jus call me Big Tuna.
John C. (stands for Charles in Charge) Reilly: The guy was in 3 of my four favorite films of the last 20 years. 1) Walk Hard 2) Cirque de Freak: Vampire's Assistant 3) The Good Girl (Got Yaaaa.. of course I'm going with the Ziegler, hell I am the Ziegler as long as I get to bone Anne Heche...while she's still lesbo cause I'm wierd like that). Oh what's that, my 4th favorite film of the last 20 years? Notting Hill
Thomas Jane: The guy is a legend. He gets killed by Alfred Molina (Sally Field got away, Too obscure?), he was Mickey Mantle, he had a kid with an Arquette, not David though unfortunately, and he boned Anne Heche a lot producing the two ugliest children to ever be born. One fat and the other is not human, not that there's anything wrong with that. The only thing cooler then Thomas Jane is Thomas Jane killing genetically enhanced smart sharks....DONE!!!!
Philip Seymour Hoffman: The guy has somehow made himself a quasi sex symbol even the tho he's balding, pasty, and obese. He just gets that scent of a woman, you know, when a man loves a woman, and he goes all out for her in the 25th hour. And tho he may seem flawless and was almost famous, he turns out to be a savage in the sack. Yes, I did just spend the last 5 minutes on IMDB and no, I'm not ashamed of myself. I love this guy only because of Along Came Polly. Just see that movie and you'll ask yourself this question? This guy's got an Oscar?.........How doesn't he have two? If Forest Whitaker's lazy eye can win one of golden boys, Hoffman can atleast win 2.
William H. Macy: Now this man is Shameless and not because he stars on the show by the same name. He's shameless because he's willing to be seen in open daylight with that hideous creature known as Felicity Huffman. When I saw Transamerica, i said "Hey, she went no makup for this one, good for her." I give him props for being the shoveler in Mystery Men and not because he a superhero but because he moved the needle on inter racial marriages being excepted in these United States, kind of like how OJ and Nicole did 2 decades earlier, how did that end up again? Too Soon????? I guess Felicity just enjoys to FREAK BILL MACY, FREAK BILL MACY!!!!!! (!!!!!)
Don Cheadle: He's Don Cheadle. The only man you'd happily let into your house knowing full well if he broke in mid night you'd never see him coming....not that there's anything wrong with that. Thank you everyone, I'll be here all...KHANNNNNNNN!!!!
Finally Burt Reynolds: The guy was a nobody TV scrub who hit the big time at 36 and never looked back until he got married, divorced, lost all his money and had to make a mini comeback in his early 60's which led to the remake of the Longest Yard which gave us Tracy Morgan in drag not to be confused with David Spade in drag or anyone associated with To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar. God Bless America where even the good ones who strike it rich with there chiseled looks and rock star mustache eventually will somehow piss it all away and die alone and unhappy. Americaaaaaa Fuck Yaaaaa.
Boogie Nights!!!!!!!
FROM,
MACHINE
Okay, let's get this out rite now, I love this film like it's my child and when I say child I mean I want to make love with it aka I'm Woody Allen everyone! This film has all the qualities of a masterpiece such as:
1) The title is perfection. Firstly Boogie is something I have in common with Biggie Smalls. We both don't dance, we boogie down! Also I happen to be alive so ha. The word nights represents my second favorite part of a 24 hour cycle right after daytime, together they make the movie Knight and Day which is our modern day Benny and June or for those sentimental older folks, Henry and Iris. All three have two names in the title seperated by the word the. Also, the word knight happens to be the last name of former Charlotte Bobcat and LA Clipper great Brevin Knight and when your a great from those two teams, your dog shit in the eyes of everyone else. Not bad dog shit but like celebrity dog shit like you came from the anus of one of those dogs from the film Homeward Bound. High praise Nic Cage states and yes, it is high praise when it's coming from the mouth of a man who has schtuped a Presley and dozen a little asian ladies (They make him go Bangkok Crazy/Beautiful).
2) I have something in common with Mr. Dirk Diggler and it's huge......my friedship with Reed Rothchild aka the Polar Bear. It's like a huge bright shining star big time massive maybe a little hairy at the root friendship anyone has ever seen. Pretty overwhelming if you ask me and I was only talking about the climax.....of the film.
3) The cast which leads me to the larger portion of this post about men who stare (at goats) at large penises who stare at girls boobs who stare at Burt Reynolds grey hared chest who stares a Loni Anderson who stares at his money that stares at the way it was.. oh the way it was and the way we were, when Redford had Barbara and Barbara had Redford and they had the world, the mad mad mad mad world....Spencer Tracy!
Mark Whalberg: He's like Billy Zane in that they are both pretty cool dud(a)es, we should listen to him. Let's go over Mark's highlights, he was a white rapper known as Marky Mark who grabbed his penis in every Calvin Klein underwear catwalk only to become an actor who had a 12 inch Johnson, out act Lou Diamond Phillips (which in itself is feat to behold) and bone Zooey Deschanel (and if I spelled her name wrong well screw you, I refuse to look her up after she broke my heart like Charleze Theron literally does in every film she's in or if we're reffering to Stuart Townsend's career.). So yaa, he's a pretty rad motherfucker.
Julianne Moore: How I love her, her bright red her, her average body, her little breasts she exposes in EVERY FREAKIN MOVIE EVER, who white pasty skin that scream sex appeall. She is the grooviest bitch ever straight from the mouth of the guy who's a cop and a half cause he has to carry that tripod around all day....BOOM! Think about, Moore has boned every type of person imagineable . She's bones the entire cast of Boogie Nights including Luiz Guzman who face it, is our generations Ricardo Montalban aka he's one sexy....KHANNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!! She's bones a brit (Hugh Grant), an old guy (Anthony Hopkins), JEFF GOLDBLUM!!!!!!, The Dude, The Ladies Man (The Ladies Man), and extremely old dude (Jason Robards), a gay man and a black man in the same movie, Mark Ruffalo (TWICE!!!!! Once Blind and once when she was gay, that's two ways Ruffalo which is one more way then Laura Linney can have it), Annette Benning (Seriously, thekids will never be alright) and Kevin Bacon (in the six degrees way and in the with his penis (see Wild Things) in her vagina way as well). Wow, that's a mouthful...and I'm saying that because it is with all that cum she now has to spit or swallow, her choice, equal rights everyone. People, she's the freakin catchline of this site, she's a goddess.
Luiz Guzman: Greatest. Of. All. Time. Why you ask? well for four reasons off the top of my head which are 1) He will understandddddddddd! 2) I like my Carlito's Way in two's and when I say two I mean the sequel which has this guy, the modern day Ricardo Monta...KHANNNNNNNNNNN!!!!! 3) He's boned Julianne Moore, 4) he made Journey 2 watchable even if it starred that hobbit Hutcherson aka the Hutch aka not the hitch aka not Will Smith the actor aka prob Will Smith of the New Orleans Saints aka enjoy your motherfuckin suspension asshole, that Superbowl was (Your soul is) mine!!!!!
Heather Graham: I'd still marry her even if she's comfortably in her 40's. She had all the traits of superstar like her right breast, her left breast and her right breast. She had what you called the It factor like the starring in a movie about how aliens come down in raindrops making them chubby all the while Keith Kincaid runs towards the aliens and then away from the aliens all meeting at a conclusion in which our protagonist screams "Gotcha Suckaaaaaaaa!!!!" it factor. And if you didn't get that movie ref then you don't like movies so get the fuck off this site. Plus she Favreau'd it, not Vaughn'd it, Favreau'd it, she swings that way. Whatever happens, she'll always be my it girl, jus call me Big Tuna.
John C. (stands for Charles in Charge) Reilly: The guy was in 3 of my four favorite films of the last 20 years. 1) Walk Hard 2) Cirque de Freak: Vampire's Assistant 3) The Good Girl (Got Yaaaa.. of course I'm going with the Ziegler, hell I am the Ziegler as long as I get to bone Anne Heche...while she's still lesbo cause I'm wierd like that). Oh what's that, my 4th favorite film of the last 20 years? Notting Hill
Thomas Jane: The guy is a legend. He gets killed by Alfred Molina (Sally Field got away, Too obscure?), he was Mickey Mantle, he had a kid with an Arquette, not David though unfortunately, and he boned Anne Heche a lot producing the two ugliest children to ever be born. One fat and the other is not human, not that there's anything wrong with that. The only thing cooler then Thomas Jane is Thomas Jane killing genetically enhanced smart sharks....DONE!!!!
Philip Seymour Hoffman: The guy has somehow made himself a quasi sex symbol even the tho he's balding, pasty, and obese. He just gets that scent of a woman, you know, when a man loves a woman, and he goes all out for her in the 25th hour. And tho he may seem flawless and was almost famous, he turns out to be a savage in the sack. Yes, I did just spend the last 5 minutes on IMDB and no, I'm not ashamed of myself. I love this guy only because of Along Came Polly. Just see that movie and you'll ask yourself this question? This guy's got an Oscar?.........How doesn't he have two? If Forest Whitaker's lazy eye can win one of golden boys, Hoffman can atleast win 2.
William H. Macy: Now this man is Shameless and not because he stars on the show by the same name. He's shameless because he's willing to be seen in open daylight with that hideous creature known as Felicity Huffman. When I saw Transamerica, i said "Hey, she went no makup for this one, good for her." I give him props for being the shoveler in Mystery Men and not because he a superhero but because he moved the needle on inter racial marriages being excepted in these United States, kind of like how OJ and Nicole did 2 decades earlier, how did that end up again? Too Soon????? I guess Felicity just enjoys to FREAK BILL MACY, FREAK BILL MACY!!!!!! (!!!!!)
Don Cheadle: He's Don Cheadle. The only man you'd happily let into your house knowing full well if he broke in mid night you'd never see him coming....not that there's anything wrong with that. Thank you everyone, I'll be here all...KHANNNNNNNN!!!!
Finally Burt Reynolds: The guy was a nobody TV scrub who hit the big time at 36 and never looked back until he got married, divorced, lost all his money and had to make a mini comeback in his early 60's which led to the remake of the Longest Yard which gave us Tracy Morgan in drag not to be confused with David Spade in drag or anyone associated with To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar. God Bless America where even the good ones who strike it rich with there chiseled looks and rock star mustache eventually will somehow piss it all away and die alone and unhappy. Americaaaaaa Fuck Yaaaaa.
Boogie Nights!!!!!!!
FROM,
MACHINE
Thursday, January 5, 2012
The One, The Only, The Paci...Oooooohaaaa!
Welcome bac...Ooooohaaaaa! It's been a whil....Oooooohaaaaa! Ok, ok, enough fun with the Dunkacino back in his "Post glory (without black actors) borderlining on crazy Pacino-still love him though cause he makes classics even if he mostly screams his lines - give me a fuckin Oscar" faze. Today I will go through the many fazes of Mr. Al Pacino's brilliant career.
I break it down into 5 fazes (in Tony Montana voice) -
1) "Glory Years AKA I'm a fuckin stud even when I play a narc, a gay dude, and a motha fuckin brother killer" (Is Gollum the modern day Freido? "It should have been mine, my precious! I'm the older hobbit, I can do things like live in a cave and shit. I'm not an idiot like Samwise Gangee claims. It was mine, mt precious.") Faze
2) "I make 1 movie every fuckin 3 years cause I'm Al MothaFuckin Pacino and if Art Carney can rob an Oscar from me then fuck you and your sister" faze
3) "Post Glory, I'm mother fuckin borderlining on crazy Pacino but you still love me cause I don't break my balls for nobody. Now give me a fuckin Oscar" Faze
4) "I've lost my fuckin mind" Faze
5) "I'm Tony Mothafuckin Montana, Say hello to my little Dunkacino, Oh wait, I've fuckin lost my mind but still every time you get away, I bring you back in" Faze
1) Al Pacino was the coolest guy anywhere, cooler then Bobby D. (who also has his "lost his fuckin mind" faze. Rocky and Bullwinkle anyone?). From 1972-1983, Al Pacino ruled Hollywood. The guy played 4, 4!!!!! iconic characters in 5 movies while making another 2 very solid films (Thank you Jeffrey Tambor) to (puss in) boot(s). Oh, what's that? Cruising? I'm sorry I think your thinking of De Niro in Stardust. Honest mistake. But it is odd that Pac(hes O'houlihan)ino did play two gay like dudes when being a gay like dude was still not cool. Unless your Pacino and you made it cool. Attica! Attica! He was soooo money. If you take cool guys from that period, Pacino murders them with his little friend that somehow ruined Beverly D'Angelo, Oh how I miss you old school (Your my boy blue) D'Angelo. From boobs in hair to Lampoon's Vacation and still keeping it strong in Summer Catch (Thank heavens that Mathew Willard made a comeback that wasn't cancelled on Showtime) but then she went full Pacino. And this was Faze 4 Pacino which is scary as fuck like 88 minutes scary as fuck. She was 80's Julianne Moore, the hotter Glen Close, the less talented Maggie Smith. John Travolta had 3 iconic roles, not 5. He also loses a point for Stayin Alive. Frank Stallone actually ruined a movie that was already ruined in his 3 minutes of screen time. If I want to watch a talentless brother have sex with a musical instrument, I have 2, the Sklar Brothers. Too Cheap? Plus in one movie he idolizes Pacino with da beard ala Serpico. De Niro had 4 iconic performances but in only 4 movies. Close(r - Natalie Portman is a goddess) but no cigar (which could be used on Portman in Closer. Too graphic?). That's it. Pacino wins. Women are less equal to men to begin with so no argument can be made for them so Dunkacino wins by knockout.
2) to be continued - very soon like sooner then they can release another horrible journey film. What will the next one be, Jour (french for day) short for journey. I've already seen two of these and the Hunger Games, and besides Brendan Fraser's hair plugs, I can honestly say The kids are not alright except when Julianne Moore shows boobs which is every movie (classic Moore). Speaking of French, love Cirque du Freak except for the kid Hutcherson. Wait, Did I just Moore it up with a sprinkle of Reed Rothchild? I did.....NEW BLOG ENTRY EVERYONE!!!!!
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